Space: one hundred one story of surrealism. Рим Дик
Читать онлайн книгу.
him so that they lived one day in his world.
The hippo loved cotton candy, and every evening he went to work with the cloud people and pulled pieces from the clouds, and made cotton candy out of them, sprinkled with sugar on top. Of course, people did not know this, that they made cotton wool from clouds, because when they gave cotton wool to hippos, they plugged their nose during bleeding, and their buttocks during injections. Hippo spread your arms to the sides and ran away. He cried for three days, then his eyes dried up, and he climbed into the lake, which he himself cried out. He drank half, mixed the rest with mud and became a statue, until better times. He will wake up tomorrow, when people will say “today” not today.
A goose lived in a column of one giant, he had the ability to know all the songs in the world, and all the languages of the world. He barked all day in Mongolian, Tajik and Chinese. He knew physics and chemistry, zoology and astrology, and every evening he thought about the stars about millet porridge. One day, returning from a Negro disco, the giant forgot the black speakers. And the Negroes do not stand on ceremony for a long time, they stole the column and brought it to the point where they sold burnt things. Here they are vtyuhivayut column, when suddenly, a goose beatboxing, speaks in the voice of Putin, everyone immediately fled, and some of them killed themselves in the name of God. It’s not surprising, since Satan himself got in touch through the speakers.
– I will slaughter you all, gentlemen and gentlemen, I will sell your offal on the black market for free. We’ll make activated charcoal out of blacks.
Well, how can you not be afraid. For the hands of a white man to touch them, but this will never happen!
Once, Mike Tyson took a loan and did not pay it, and waited for collectors. There was a knock on the door, several whores lay on the threshold, a hundred million dollars in suitcases and Elon Musk, tied and gagged. Mars was in his eyes. People from that planet waved their hands, fired salutes and laughed. They bought a ticket for this performance today. The whores hovered at Tyson’s feet, without panties, and demanded that he be gentle with them, because they are from the planet of the veil, and their skin is fragile, like crystal.
The mummy, returning from the other world, found that all the toilet papers were sold out by alarmed people during the coronavirus. It became a shame for the mummy to walk naked, and lies in a coffin and waits for toilet paper with a three-layer soft face of children to appear instead of paper.
In Zeeland, under the bricks on the beach of the Maldives, in a large hole, maniac mushrooms live, they run around with kitchen and hunting knives and kill people. They pounce on people’s heads, cut out their ears, eat them, break their legs and put them under themselves instead of legs, put on their heads instead of a hat and run around the clearing, laughing, happy. Snowdrops, chanterelles, fly agarics and a variety of mushrooms catch people, trip them, then pounce, tie their legs and drag them into a hole and skin them there.
In Bashkiria, herbivorous wild people live, primitive. Seeing people from neighboring republics, they hide under a stone, and sit, wait for people and attack them with spears. Their hair is pulled out and glued under the armpits, arms, legs and chest. They believe that hair should be all over the body. And they worship monkeys because they have the most hair.
I saw him the summer before last, when the stars were killed by a fragmentation grenade. The grenade shattered into pieces, and little dwarfs with knives and forks flew out of them, and they stabbed the star into the tank, having previously tied their mouths so as not to scream. Here he was among them – my little brownie, manual. His name is Seryoga. He is a legless invalid. His leg was bitten off by sharks when I threw him over the side of the boat. He tried to climb back, but my boot was not simple, with one sharp blow I opened his venous vein, and he, like a fountain, flew back, and the shark grabbed him and dragged him down. When Seryoga shouted that he would let me stay with him for a week, I immediately pulled his body without legs from the water. Then he started threatening me. Can you imagine me? That I’m a bad friend. Son of a bitch! I had to throw him back, where he was torn to pieces by piranhas, because the back is also a leg. The chest remains yes hands. He didn’t scream anymore. It is understandable, I closed his mouth with a sock, which I removed from my foot. I protected them and never took them off for ten years. He could not pull them out, because I tied his hands in his rectum, and pulled him out through his nose, and with a bow, and with a bow. When a week later, three years ago, the time came to leave the house, I had to roll it up in a carpet and throw it in the trash. And he told everyone that he had gone on a business trip abroad. But whoever asked me, no one actually saw my brownie. We shared responsibilities at home equally. He cleaned, cooked, washed, brought money, repaired and bought everything, and I watched the weather on TV and told me when to go out so that he would not get caught in the rain. Every time he left, slamming the door on his skateboard, I laughed because he forgot to put on his shoes, stupid Seryoga. He tumbled down the stairs. He loved it – as he himself said, he loves parkour and break dancing, in a word, wallowing on the ground. I also laid a place for him on the floor of dirt and old, worn underpants with dead rats. In the morning I opened the cage, walked him on the balcony, while he was doing business there, and he himself would put it in a bag. Sometimes, I didn’t have time to walk with him, I needed to be lazy, he grabbed himself by the leash and walked himself. When the alarm clock rang, he pulled himself out of the balcony. When he did not obey, he beat himself on the armature on the balcony, and pinched his temple with the door. Only strangely he did his business due to the lack of a backside, and shit from his mouth all the time. I told him that you can just open his stomach and pull everything out, it’s not the case to defecate through the mouth. And he, you see, does not want to be cut. But then it will be convenient. Sew on the lock and open it,
So. They took him away in a dustbin, never saw him again until that day. Well, I didn’t see him, I watched him through binoculars in the photograph on the wall of his mother, no more, I remembered with good words. How he cleaned, walked himself and washed the toilet. Now I had to buy brushes and sponges. But he licked everything well, to a shine. When the cat hit him on the back with a stool, he smiled. The cat did not like crybabies and began to scalp Seryoga. There is not a single living seamless place on the face. The cat beats him, then sews him up, sitting by the fireplace. However, I forgot to mention how the mother poured slop on the photo, it was probably his favorite dish. When he was still alive, he always ate food from a bucket under the sink. And it turns out he is quite alive.
You know, he was kind of cruel. The street has changed him. He began to carry a fork in his pocket. When he tangled under the feet of the dwarves, like a withered locust leg, they kicked him, pulled him up on a rope and strangled him. Then a huge dwarf came out and boxed. Sometimes, they even hung a rug on him and beat him with a hoe to knock off the dust. To get the dust out of the carpet faster, he vacuumed the dust into his mouth and licked it until it was shiny. He knew very well that cleanliness was more important. Cleanliness is the key to survival.
When he saw me, he immediately begged me to help him. Well, the hurricane was there, a sandstorm of incredible proportions. And I’m kind, I couldn’t pass by, I took a hoe and began to help shake out the dust, knock it off the carpet, with all my might, in order to finish faster. Somehow the hoe got stuck in my head, I put both feet on the skull and barely pulled it out. Kissel dripped from him. And immediately Seryoga’s legs grew. He got up, grabbed the dwarfs and bit off their heads, spat out and ran at me, shouting that I was finished. I pulled out my magnum and fired right between the eyes. The double plexus of his eyes flew out of his head and crashed into the tree behind him. Woodpeckers flew in and started pecking at his eyes, so they then lost their beak. It turns out that Seryoga was short-sighted, and woodpeckers saw only far-sighted. Near-sighted eyes are denser than a diamond, while far-sighted eyes are as light as air. No wonder the universe is expanding and all the planets are moving away from each other. Even the worms know this when they crawl through my friend’s intestines.
With a quick jerk of the mongoose, I took out his eyes and tore them into nine pieces, then fed them to mice, and told him to guess where his eye was. He looked at