The Constant Couple; Or, A Trip to the Jubilee: A Comedy, in Five Acts. George Farquhar
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Smug. A lawsuit, boy – Shall I tell you? – My ship, the Swan, is newly arrived from St. Sebastian, laden with Portugal wines: now the impudent rogue of a tide-waiter has the face to affirm it is French wines in Spanish casks, and has indicted me upon the statute – Oh, conscience! conscience! these tide-waiters and surveyors plague us more than the war – Ay, there's another plague of the nation —
A red coat and cockade.
Vizard. Colonel Standard, I'm your humble servant.
Colonel S. May be not, sir.
Vizard. Why so?
Colonel S. Because – I'm disbanded.
Vizard. How! Broke?
Colonel S. This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my brave regiment, a thousand men, that looked like lions yesterday, were scattered, and looked as poor and simple as the herd of deer that grazed beside them.
Smug. Tal, al deral. [Singing.] I'll have a bonfire this night as high as the monument.
Colonel S. A bonfire! Thou dry, withered, ill-nature; had not those brave fellows' swords defended you, your house had been a bonfire ere this, about your ears. – Did we not venture our lives, sir?
Smug. And did we not pay for your lives, sir? – Venture your lives! I'm sure we ventured our money, and that's life and soul to me. – Sir, we'll maintain you no longer.
Colonel S. Then your wives shall, old Actæon. There are five and thirty strapping officers gone this morning to live upon free quarter in the city.
Smug. Oh, lord! oh, lord! I shall have a son within these nine months, born with a leading staff in his hand. – Sir, you are —
Colonel S. What, sir?
Smug. Sir, I say that you are —
Colonel S. What, sir?
Smug. Disbanded, sir, that's all – I see my lawyer yonder. [Exit.
Vizard. Sir, I'm very sorry for your misfortune.
Colonel S. Why so? I don't come to borrow money of you; if you're my friend, meet me this evening at the Rummer; I'll pay my foy, drink a health to my king, prosperity to my country, and away for Hungary to-morrow morning.
Vizard. What! you won't leave us?
Colonel S. What! a soldier stay here, to look like an old pair of colours in Westminster Hall, ragged and rusty! No, no – I met yesterday a broken lieutenant, he was ashamed to own that he wanted a dinner, but wanted to borrow eighteen pence of me to buy a new scabbard for his sword.
Vizard. Oh, but you have good friends, colonel!
Colonel S. Oh, very good friends! My father's a lord, and my elder brother, a beau; mighty good indeed!
Vizard. But your country may, perhaps, want your sword again.
Colonel S. Nay, for that matter, let but a single drum beat up for volunteers between Ludgate and Charing Cross, and I shall undoubtedly hear it at the walls of Buda.
Vizard. Come, come, colonel, there are ways of making your fortune at home – Make your addresses to the fair; you're a man of honour and courage.
Colonel S. Ay, my courage is like to do me wondrous service with the fair. This pretty cross cut over my eye will attract a duchess – I warrant 'twill be a mighty grace to my ogling – Had I used the stratagem of a certain brother colonel of mine, I might succeed.
Vizard. What was it, pray?
Colonel S. Why, to save his pretty face for the women, he always turned his back upon the enemy. – He was a man of honour for the ladies.
Vizard. Come, come, the loves of Mars and Venus will never fail; you must get a mistress.
Colonel S. Pr'ythee, no more on't – You have awakened a thought, from which, and the kingdom, I would have stolen away at once. – To be plain, I have a mistress.
Vizard. And she's cruel?
Colonel S. No.
Vizard. Her parents prevent your happiness?
Colonel S. Not that.
Vizard. Then she has no fortune?
Colonel S. A large one. Beauty to tempt all mankind, and virtue to beat off their assaults. Oh, Vizard! such a creature!
Heyday! who the devil have we here?
Vizard. The joy of the playhouse, and life of the park; Sir Harry Wildair, newly come from Paris.
Colonel S. Sir Harry Wildair! Did not he go a volunteer some three or four years ago?
Vizard. The same.
Colonel S. Why, he behaved himself very bravely.
Vizard. Why not? Dost think bravery and gaiety are inconsistent? He's a gentleman of most happy circumstances, born to a plentiful estate; has had a genteel and easy education, free from the rigidness of teachers, and pedantry of schools. His florid constitution being never ruffled by misfortune, nor stinted in its pleasures, has rendered him entertaining to others, and easy to himself. Turning all passion into gaiety of humour, by which he chuses rather to rejoice with his friends, than be hated by any; as you shall see.
Sir H. Ha, Vizard!
Vizard. Sir Harry!
Sir H. Who thought to find you out of the Rubric so long? I thought thy hypocrisy had been wedded to a pulpit-cushion long ago. – Sir, if I mistake not your face, your name is Standard?
Colonel S. Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.
Sir H. Come, gentlemen, the news, the news o' th' town, for I'm just arrived.
Vizard. Why, in the city end o' th' town we're playing the knave, to get estates.
Colonel S. And in the court end playing the fool, in spending them.
Sir H. Just so in Paris. I'm glad we're grown so modish.
Vizard. We are so reformed, that gallantry is taken for vice.
Colonel S. And hypocrisy for religion.
Sir H. A-la-mode de Paris again.
Vizard. Nothing like an oath in the city.
Colonel S. That's a mistake; for my major swore a hundred and fifty last night to a merchant's wife in her bed-chamber.
Sir H. Pshaw! this is trifling; tell me news, gentlemen. What lord has lately broke his fortune at the clubs, or his heart at Newmarket, for the loss of a race? What wife has been lately suing in Doctor's-Commons for alimony: or what daughter run away with her father's valet? What beau gave the noblest ball at Bath, or had the gayest equipage in town? I want news, gentlemen.
Colonel S. 'Faith, sir, these are no news at all.
Vizard. But, pray, Sir Harry, tell us some news of your travels.
Sir H. With all my heart. – You must know, then, I went over to Amsterdam in a Dutch ship. I went from thence to Landen, where I was heartily drubbed in battle, with the butt end of a Swiss musket. I thence went to Paris, where I had half a dozen intrigues, bought half a dozen new suits, fought a couple of duels, and here I am again in statu quo.
Vizard. But we heard that you designed to make the tour of Italy: what brought you back so soon?
Sir H. That which brought you into the world, and may perhaps carry you out of it; – a woman.
Colonel S. What! quit the pleasures of travel for a woman?
Sir