The Constant Couple; Or, A Trip to the Jubilee: A Comedy, in Five Acts. George Farquhar
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II
Lady L. Parly, my pocket-book – let me see – Madrid, Paris, Venice, London! – Ay, London! They may talk what they will of the hot countries, but I find love most fruitful under this climate – In a month's space have I gained – let me see, imprimis, Colonel Standard.
Parly. And how will your ladyship manage him?
Lady L. As all soldiers should be managed; he shall serve me till I gain my ends, then I'll disband him.
Parly. But he loves you, madam.
Lady L. Therefore I scorn him;
I hate all that don't love me, and slight all that do;
'Would his whole deluding sex admir'd me,
Thus would I slight them all.
My virgin and unwary innocence
Was wrong'd by faithless man;
But now, glance eyes, plot brain, dissemble face,
Lie tongue, and
Plague the treacherous kind. —
Let me survey my captives. —
The colonel leads the van; next, Mr. Vizard,
He courts me out of the "Practice of Piety,"
Therefore is a hypocrite;
Then Clincher, he adores me with orangerie,
And is consequently a fool;
Then my old merchant, Alderman Smuggler,
He's a compound of both; – out of which medley of lovers, if I don't make good diversion – What d'ye think, Parly?
Parly. I think, madam, I'm like to be very virtuous in your service, if you teach me all those tricks that you use to your lovers.
Lady L. You're a fool, child; observe this, that though a woman swear, forswear, lie, dissemble, backbite, be proud, vain, malicious, any thing, if she secures the main chance, she's still virtuous; that's a maxim.
Parly. I can't be persuaded, though, madam, but that you really loved Sir Harry Wildair in Paris.
Lady L. Of all the lovers I ever had, he was my greatest plague, for I could never make him uneasy: I left him involved in a duel upon my account: I long to know whether the fop be killed or not.
Oh lord! no sooner talk of killing, but the soldier is conjured up. You're upon hard duty, colonel, to serve your king, your country, and a mistress too.
Colonel S. The latter, I must confess, is the hardest; for in war, madam, we can be relieved in our duty; but in love, he, who would take our post, is our enemy; emulation in glory is transporting, but rivals here intolerable.
Lady L. Those that bear away the prize in arms, should boast the same success in love; and, I think, considering the weakness of our sex, we should make those our companions who can be our champions.
Colonel S. I once, madam, hoped the honour of defending you from all injuries, through a title to your lovely person; but now my love must attend my fortune. My commission, madam, was my passport to the fair; adding a nobleness to my passion, it stamped a value on my love; 'twas once the life of honour, but now its winding sheet; and with it must my love be buried.
Parly. What? disbanded, Colonel?
Colonel S. Yes, Mrs. Parly.
Parly. Faugh, the nauseous fellow! he stinks of poverty already. [Aside.
Lady L. His misfortune troubles me, because it may prevent my designs. [Aside.
Colonel S. I'll chuse, madam, rather to destroy my passion by absence abroad, than have it starved at home.
Lady L. I'm sorry, sir, you have so mean an opinion of my affection, as to imagine it founded upon your fortune. And, to convince you of your mistake, here I vow, by all that's sacred, I own the same affection now as before. Let it suffice, my fortune is considerable.
Colonel S. No, madam, no; I'll never be a charge to her I love! The man, that sells himself for gold, is the worst of prostitutes.
Lady L. Now, were he any other creature but a man, I could love him. [Aside.
Colonel S. This only last request I make, that no title recommend a fool, no office introduce a knave, nor red coat a coward, to my place in your affections; so farewell my country, and adieu my love. [Exit.
Lady L. Now the devil take thee for being so honourable: here, Parly, call him back, I shall lose half my diversion else. Now for a trial of skill.
Sir, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. When do you take your journey?
Colonel S. To-morrow morning, early, madam.
Lady L. So suddenly! which way are you designed to travel?
Colonel S. That I can't yet resolve on.
Lady L. Pray, sir, tell me; pray, sir; I entreat you; why are you so obstinate?
Colonel S. Why are you so curious, madam?
Lady L. Because —
Colonel S. What?
Lady L. Because, I, I —
Colonel S. Because, what, madam? – Pray tell me.
Lady L. Because I design to follow you. [Crying.
Colonel S. Follow me! By all that's great, I ne'er was proud before. Follow me! By Heavens thou shalt not. What! expose thee to the hazards of a camp! – Rather I'll stay, and here bear the contempt of fools, and worst of fortune.
Lady L. You need not, shall not; my estate for both is sufficient.
Colonel S. Thy estate! No, I'll turn a knave, and purchase one myself; I'll cringe to the proud man I undermine; I'll tip my tongue with flattery, and smooth my face with smiles; I'll turn informer, office-broker, nay, coward, to be great; and sacrifice it all to thee, my generous fair.
Lady L. And I'll dissemble, lie, swear, jilt, any thing, but I'll reward thy love, and recompense thy noble passion.
Colonel S. Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! poor Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! Rather kiss her hand than the Pope's toe; ha! ha! ha!
Lady L. What Sir Harry, Colonel? What Sir Harry?
Colonel S. Sir Harry Wildair, madam.
Lady L. What! is he come over?
Colonel S. Ay, and he told me – but I don't believe a syllable on't —
Lady L. What did he tell you?
Colonel S. Only called you his mistress; and pretending to be extravagant in your commendation, would vainly insinuate the praise of his own judgment and good fortune in a choice.
Lady L. How easily is the vanity of fops tickled by our sex!
Colonel S. Why, your sex is the vanity of fops.
Lady L. On my conscience, I believe so. This gentleman, because he danced well, I pitched on for a partner at a ball in Paris, and ever since he has so persecuted me with letters, songs, dances, serenading, flattery, foppery, and noise, that I was forced to fly the kingdom. – And I warrant you he made you jealous?
Colonel S. 'Faith, madam, I was a little uneasy.
Lady L. You shall have a plentiful revenge; I'll send him back all his foolish letters, songs, and verses, and you yourself shall carry them: 'twill afford you opportunity of triumphing, and free me from his further impertinence; for of all men he's my aversion. I'll run and fetch them instantly. [Exit.
Colonel S. Dear madam,