“My First – but don’t suppose,” he said,

            “I’m setting you a riddle —

      Is – if your Victim be in bed,

      Don’t touch the curtains at his head,

            But take them in the middle,

      “And wave them slowly in and out,

            While drawing them asunder;

      And in a minute’s time, no doubt,

      He’ll raise his head and look about

            With eyes of wrath and wonder.

      “And here you must on no pretence

            Make the first observation.

      Wait for the Victim to commence:

      No Ghost of any common sense

            Begins a conversation.

      “If he should say ‘How came you here?’

            (The way that you began, Sir,)

      In such a case your course is clear —

      ‘On the bat’s back, my little dear!’

            Is the appropriate answer.

      “If after this he says no more,

            You’d best perhaps curtail your

      Exertions – go and shake the door,

      And then, if he begins to snore,

            You’ll know the thing’s a failure.

      “By day, if he should be alone —

            At home or on a walk —

      You merely give a hollow groan,

      To indicate the kind of tone

            In which you mean to talk.

      “But if you find him with his friends,

            The thing is rather harder.

      In such a case success depends

      On picking up some candle-ends,

            Or butter, in the larder.

      “With this you make a kind of slide

            (It answers best with suet),

      On which you must contrive to glide,

      And swing yourself from side to side —

            One soon learns how to do it.

      “The Second tells us what is right

            In ceremonious calls: —

      ‘First burn a blue or crimson light’

      (A thing I quite forgot to-night),

            ‘Then scratch the door or walls.’”

      I said “You’ll visit here no more,

            If you attempt the Guy.

      I’ll have no bonfires on my floor —

      And, as for scratching at the door,

            I’d like to see you try!”

      “The Third was written to protect

            The interests of the Victim,

      And tells us, as I recollect,

      To treat him with a grave respect,

            And not to contradict him.”

      “That’s plain,” said I, “as Tare and Tret,

            To any comprehension:

      I only wish some Ghosts I’ve met

      Would not so constantly forget

            The maxim that you mention!”

      “Perhaps,” he said, “you first transgressed

            The laws of hospitality:

      All Ghosts instinctively detest

      The Man that fails to treat his guest

            With proper cordiality.

      “If you address a Ghost as ‘Thing!’

            Or strike him with a hatchet,

      He is permitted by the King

      To drop all formal parleying —

            And then you’re sure to catch it!

      “The Fourth prohibits trespassing

            Where other Ghosts are quartered:

      And those convicted of the thing

      (Unless when pardoned by the King)

            Must instantly be slaughtered.

      “That simply means ‘be cut up small’:

            Ghosts soon unite anew.

      The process scarcely hurts at all —

      Not more than when you ’re what you call

            ‘Cut up’ by a Review.

      “The Fifth is one you may prefer

            That I should quote entire: —

      The King must be addressed as ‘Sir.’

      This, from a simple courtier,

            Is all the Laws require:

      “But, should you wish to do the thing

            With out-and-out politeness,

      Accost him as ‘My Goblin King!

      And always use, in answering,

            The phrase ‘Your Royal Whiteness!’

      “I’m getting rather hoarse, I fear,

            After so much reciting:

      So,