The Adventures of Roderick Random. Tobias Smollett
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and were conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, where Mr. Jackson’s dress attracted the assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses, in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them, till at length sleep began to exert his power over us all, and our conductor called “To pay.” When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself the trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a good deal at first; but after some recollection, he seized the two ladies who sat by him, one in each hand, and swore if they did not immediately restore his money he would charge a constable with them. The good lady at the bar, seeing what passed, whispered something to the drawer, who went out; and then with great composure, asked what was the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore if she refused him satisfaction, he would have her and her female friends committed to Bridewell. “Robbed!” cried she, “robbed in my house! Gentlemen and Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalised my reputation.” At that instant, seeing the constable and watch enter, she proceeded “What! you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions to ruin my character, but even commit an assault upon my family! Mr. Constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here; I shall take care and bring an action against him for defamation.”
While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite sober, one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that passed between us, cried, “They are all concerned!” and desired the constable to take us all into custody; an arrest which was performed instantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was very little concerned, and charged the constable, in his turn, with the landlady and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried altogether prisoners to the round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort to us, informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next morning before the justice. In a little time the constable, calling Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive that you and your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved in such an ugly business. I have known this woman a great while; she has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years; and although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes through her interest with the justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you first, her complaint will have the preference, and she can procure evidence to swear whatsoever she shall please to desire of them; so that, unless you can make it up before morning, you and your companions may think yourselves happily quit for a month’s hard labour in Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or an assault against you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at the next session at the Old Bailey for your life.” This last piece of information had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might be restored. The constable told him, that, instead of retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it would cost him some more before they could come to any composition. But, however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our adversary, carried her into the next room, and pleaded, our cause so effectually, that she condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been extremely uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl—to which, by the bye, I had contributed my last shilling—it was morning, and I proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand, he could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice, before whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation.
About nine o’clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain justice not many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted him as follows: “So Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. What den of rogues have you been scouring?” Then looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he continued: “Ay, ay, thieves. I see—old offenders; oh, your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your house. Yes, yes, here’s an old acquaintance of mine. You have used expedition,” said he to me, “in returning from transportation; but we shall save you that trouble for the future—the surgeons will fetch you from your next transportation, at their expense.” I assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life before. To this declaration he replied, “How! you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent, which you have assumed? But it shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far north for you. Here, clerk, write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is Patrick Gaghagan.” Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on which he valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, “Who are you, sir? Do you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who affronts me upon the bench but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I will—for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon.” My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and, to complete the discovery, continued his threats, “Now, I am convinced you are a thief—your face discovers it, you tremble all over, your conscience won’t lie still—you’ll be hanged, sirrah,” raising his voice, “you’ll be hanged; and happy had it been for the world, as well as for your own miserable soul, if you had been detected, and cut off in the beginning of your career. Come hither, clerk, and take this man’s confession.” I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable, going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the truth of the story; which having learned, he returned with a smiling countenance, and, addressing himself to us all, said it was always his way to terrify young people when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus, having cloaked his own want of discernment under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had been lifted off my breast.
CHAPTER XVIII
I carry my qualification to the Navy Office—the nature of it—the behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s concern for my absence—a battle betwixt him a blacksmith—the troublesome consequences of it—his harangue to me—his friend the schoolmaster recommends me to a French Apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman
I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the Navy office, before one o’clock. Accordingly, we went thither, and gave them to the secretary, who opened and read them, and I was mightily pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a third-rate. When he had stuck them all together on a file, one of our company asked if there were any vacancies; to which interrogation he answered “No!” Then I ventured to inquire if many ships were to be put in commission soon. At which question he surveyed me with a look of ineffable contempt; and, pushing us out of his office, locked the door without deigning us another word. We went down stairs, and conferred together on our expectations, when I understood that each of them had been recommended to one or other of the commissioners, and each of them promised the first vacancy that should fall; but that none of them relied solely upon that interest, without a present to the secretary, with whom some of the commissioners went snacks. For which reason, each of them had provided a small purse; and I was asked what I proposed to give. This was a vexatious question to me who (far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous secretary) had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore answered, I had not yet determined what to give; and sneaked off toward my own lodging, lamenting my fate all the way, and inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations,