He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. Greg Behrendt
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obvious. Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don’t know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. I worked hard for my career, and was quite aggressive about it. I called people, made appointments, asked for favors. I took action. But now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We’re just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don’t you just tie my corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who’ll scoop me out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me? That’ll get his attention.
Really, in this day and age, the hardest thing to do for many women, particularly me, is nothing. We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan. And I’m talking about more than just making sure our hair doesn’t frizz. Most women who date, I would guess, don’t have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there’s a long stretch during which nobody’s asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it’s even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come back again for a long time.
But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn’t worked at all. I’ve never had a successful relationship with a guy that I’ve pursued. I’m sure there are many stories out there to the contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going out of town for business. Usually it doesn’t even get that far. They usually just don’t ever return my phone call. And let me tell you, that didn’t make me feel very in control of anything.
Since I’ve been implementing Greg’s handy-dandy “He’s Just Not That Into You” philosophy, I’ve been feeling surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There’s no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn’t ever feel like I’m just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it’s good for us all to remember that we don’t need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We’re fantastic.
THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Greg
One night I was drinking in a bar and flirting with the bartender. I asked for her number. She said, “I don’t give out my phone number because guys rarely call me when they say they’re going to. My name is Lindsey Adams, and if you want to call me, find my phone number.” Which I did—the very next day. Do you know how many Lindsey Adamses there are in the phone book of a major city? Let’s just say I talked to about eight or nine before I found mine.
An actor we work with met a girl while he was making a public appearance on an aircraft carrier. He lost track of her in about ten minutes. And yet, because he was so smitten, he somehow managed to track her down in the army, and they are now married.
GREG, I GET IT! By Leslie, age 29
Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that “Oh my God, I think I just met someone!” feeling. He didn’t ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I’m just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He’s not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I’m just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else.
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG
We did an incredibly unscientific poll where we polled twenty of our male friends (ranging from ages twenty-six to forty-five) who are in serious long-term relationships. Not one of their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. One guy even said that if she had, “It would have spoiled all the fun.”
What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
• An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of “ruining the friendship.”
• Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking.
• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
• Just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.
• “Hey, let’s meet at so-and-so’s party/any bar/friend’s house” is not a date. Even if you live in New York.
• Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
• You are good enough to be asked out.
Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook
Hey, what’s a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it.
Love,
Greg and Liz
Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn’t trust my own innate hotness? Yes, you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.
P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn’t even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?
2 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling You
Men know how to use the phone
Oh sure, they say they’re busy. They say that they didn’t have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. Bullshit. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don’t even mean to. We may try to make you think differently, but we men are just like you. We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy. Just like you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.
The “But He’s Been Traveling a Lot” Excuse
Dear Greg,
I recently started dating a very nice man. He’s gentle, he’s affectionate, he’s attentive. It recently became a long-distance thing because of his work. The first