He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. Greg Behrendt
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Dear Nikki,
Good to hear from you again. Well, not really. Listen, Nikki. Really busy is another way to say “just not that into you.” Totally important is another way to say, “you’re unimportant.” How great that you’ve “landed” someone that even you think is out of your league. Too busy and important to ask you out or call you—what a catch. Congratulations on your quasi-relationship! It must feel amazing to know that you’ve been programmed into the super hot and important busy guy’s cell phone, even if he never uses it to call you. You must be the envy of every woman he’s really dating.
I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: The word “busy” is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.
IT’S SO SIMPLE
Sadly, I can’t be with you ladies all the time, fending off all the bad excuses, and, thereby, bad men that come your way. But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.
HERE’S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD, by Liz
We’re smart. We get it. We know guys should be attentive and considerate and thoughtful. I mean, for God’s sake, we’re not idiots. We know that they should call us when they say they’re going to and let us know that they’re thinking about us. Duh.
But somehow, just when I think I have that lesson perfectly drummed into that thick skull of mine, I meet the one guy who really does have the perfect excuse for being a flake. His family really is falling apart and he’s the one that has to take care of them all. He really is moving and didn’t know how difficult it was going to be. He really does have that big case at work and can’t be around for a while, but he really does—really, really—like me. And I like him so damn much that I’m willing to be patient and cut him some slack and see how it all turns out.
I know intellectually what I’m supposed to be getting from a relationship. I’m writing a damn book about it. But when faced with being offered less than that (sometimes a lot less than that), it’s hard to know exactly when to cut loose and move on. He forgets to call me one night—am I supposed to just dump him? He forgets to call me three times—is that when I dump him? It’s not easy to find someone you like and are excited about. And you always want to believe that the men you do meet are honest and kind and have your best interests at heart. And when you see the first glimmer of potentially bad behavior, you first hope more than anything that it’s not what you think it is. And you want to make sure you don’t overreact, punishing him unjustly for some other guy’s mistakes. It’s a very complicated and tricky world we live in when we choose to date, and I can’t keep calling Greg all the time and asking him what I should do.
So right now I’m just trying to notice when a guy’s behavior starts making me feel bad about myself—when I start feeling like he’s making me suffer. A little pang of disappointment because he didn’t call when he said he would? Well, that’s okay; we’ll see how it goes. A constant state of uneasiness because he’s completely unreliable? That’s bad. Tears? Really bad. Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. That’s always a good rule to live by, no matter what the special circumstances (i.e., excuses) are. It’s not easy. But let’s try to remember that the next incredible guy we meet with the really good excuse is just another guy who’s hurting our feelings.
THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Liz
When I was working with Greg on this book in New York, I noticed that Greg would often call his wife just to tell her that he couldn’t really talk to her right then, but he was thinking of her and would call later. It didn’t look like the most difficult thing in the world, but it sure seemed nice.
GREG, I GET IT! By Traci, age 25
Greg, I get it! I had two dates with a guy. On the second date we slept together. He said he would call me the next day (Tuesday) and he didn’t call me until the weekend. When he called, I told him that it was too late. He was stunned, but really, I don’t have time for that shit. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it felt great!
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG
100% of men polled said they’ve never been too busy to call a woman they were really into. As one fine man said, “A man has got to have his priorities.”
What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
• If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind.
• If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.
• Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do.
• If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.
• “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating.
• You deserve a fucking phone call.
Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook
We all love multiple choice. Here’s hopefully an easy one for you:
A guy you went out with once and slept with hasn’t called you in two weeks. Do you:
1 jump to the conclusion that he’s just really busy, lost your phone number, and was struck in the skull, and is now suffering from short-term memory loss, and you should call him?
2 quit your job, stay at home, call the telephone company to make sure your phone works, and wait for him to call?
3 realize He’s Just Not That Into You and move on with your life?
Good for you. You answered C. We knew it was easy—but doesn’t it feel good to make the right choice?
3 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Dating You
“Hanging out” is not dating
Oh, there seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery, and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings. When you ask someone out on a real bonafide date, you’re making it official: I’d like to see you alone to find out if we have a romantic future together (or at least pretend to listen to you while I ponder whether you’re wearing a thong). In case you need more clues: There’s usually a public excursion, a meal, and some hand-holding involved.