10 Things Girls Need Most: To grow up strong and free. Steve Biddulph
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of good cheer! It’s easier to overcome any gaps if you know what they are. In family life, it’s the things you don’t know about yourselves – the blind spots we all have – that cause the biggest problems. Once you see clearly, you have much more power to make changes. Once you know, you are set to give your daughter what she needs (even if you didn’t get it yourself).
“I was horrified to realize, doing these questions, that my daughter’s childhood was a repeat of my own. Too many moves. Men in her life being unreliable. Being lonely and on the outside at school. It gave me a massive wake-up call to think: ‘I have to make it different for her.’ All we do is fight all the time. I am determined to make our lives more positive, and calm, and steady. I want her life to be better than mine.”
Lorna, 42
“It all came down to stress. We were financially secure but just too hurried and hassled. In my childhood we had been poor immigrants, and my parents very busy, but in the here and now, we didn’t need to be so wound up. The questions made me see that we had work to do to make life more happy and focused on everyday moments. It didn’t have to be the struggle that my childhood was.”
Damien, 31
Now, we know exactly where your daughter is. It’s time to begin the main part of the book. The Ten Things Girls Need Most …
“It all begins in your arms. Her knowing that she is cherished and safe. But to give her that security, we have to be in the right place ourselves.”
This chapter is about how to get the most important thing about childhood right. That is, to help your daughter have a deep-down feeling of security and worth. Everyone alive needs to have this, because it helps us to feel at ease in the world, able to be close to others, and able to relax. Babyhood is the best time to get this feeling, but it’s never too late to start.
For a little child, mum and dad are her whole world. Their emotions are her emotions. A baby doesn’t know (or care) if she lives in a tin shed or a palace, as long as those caring for her are kind and peaceful. If we can manage that, at least some of the time, then long after we are gone she will carry this memory inside her. When times are hard, it will be there for her to draw on. Of course, this can be hard for us to hear, because our adult world is a rushed and stressful place. We might have spent our lives racing to get ahead. But with a baby or toddler, the priorities are changed. The most valuable thing we can do is – very little. We need to calm things down.
Imagine for a moment what it would feel like to be a small baby, with someone’s arms holding you gently and a loving face looking down at you. See if you can feel in your body what that would be like, and enjoy it for a moment. Imagine knowing that you are at the very centre of this person’s love and concern. Knowing that they will capably and caringly look after you. That you have no need to do anything, prove anything or fear anything. That they delight in you, and enjoy you, and love you and will give you all that you need. That you are totally safe. Just imagine all these things, and notice how that feels in your body. Where do you feel it? What is it like?
THIS IS THE FEELING WE WANT OUR CHILDREN TO START OFF WITH
This kind of experience for your daughter can only come from having you, her parent/s – and hopefully a handful of other people as well – who love her and actively show that. This is best and most easily done when she is a baby, but it carries all the way through. And if you’re reading this because you have a ten-year-old or a seventeen-year-old then it’s still fine – you can still fix this. You’ll find out how, as this book goes on.
HOW TO MAKE SURE SHE’S SECURE
‘Am I loved and secure?’ That question is at the heart of every whimper she makes, every gaze she sends out in search of your smile, every excursion she makes crawling or toddling across the grass or the floor before scurrying back to your arms.
It’s a huge question. It depends on a mother (or father or other carer) being safe themselves. Supported. Not stressed by outside factors. It depends on those around the mother – a partner, grandparents, neighbours and friends – being caring and warm to her, so she can do the same for her baby. It depends on her having memories of warmth and security in her own life, if not in babyhood then at some later time.
Babies need to be loved for a very practical reason, because that means they will be attended to, fed, soothed, kept clean and safe, talked to and sung to and played with. That takes time – huge amounts of it. And it takes an adult sufficiently mature in themselves to put this little creature’s needs ahead of their own. Love isn’t just a gooey feeling, it’s a blazing fire, a massive power source to carry you through all these things. That’s why it has to be kindled well.
Here is a rating for your situation during your daughter’s early years – give each point a rating out of five stars (5 is VERY, 1 is HARDLY AT ALL). Go slowly with this, and really think it over. When your daughter was under two:
| 1. | How relaxed was your life? | □ □ □ □ □ |
| 2. | How supportive was your partner? | □ □ □ □ □ |
| 3. | How materially secure did you feel (housing, money, health care)? | □ □ □ □ □ |
| 4. | How supportive were others – grandparents, neighbours, friends? | □ □ □ □ □ |
| 5. | Did you bring to this task a calm, settled nature, or were you naturally nervous, jumpy or anxious (circle one)? |
very nervous and afraid 1 2 3 4 5so calm I almost fell asleep
These questions add up to the whole picture, and so total your scores. My total ___________________
If you have less than 10, that’s quite a stressful time. Around 15 would be about average – not too bad.
Over 20 would be a miracle!
For many reading this, the scoring on the last questionnaire will come as a bit of a blow, because parenthood in the modern world has been made terribly stressful, and unsupported. We may be materially very secure, but emotionally far from that. Or the reverse. Or neither.
And there is another option. It’s possible the questionnaire is completely wrong in your case. Sometimes that can happen. You can have had a terrible time in the first year, little support, poor circumstances materially, isolated from others, and awful childhood memories of your own, and yet by sheer fierceness of your love and commitment, you just made sure her situation was nurturing, responsive and calm. Draw a circle around this sentence, just to celebrate …
‘I think I have overcome tough circumstances, or a terrible background of my own, and still made sure my daughter felt loved.’
Massive admiration and love to you.
And if not, if either way you look at it, it wasn’t an ideal start – don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame others. Allow that there may have been a stress burden, in your family and in your daughter’s early experience, which may explain some of the challenges she has. There are things you can do about these, but it begins with an honest appraisal. If the sense of being loved and secure is wobbly, then that has to be the primary focus. Even if she is ten or sixteen,