Jenny Colgan 3-Book Collection: Amanda’s Wedding, Do You Remember the First Time?, Looking For Andrew McCarthy. Jenny Colgan
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with? Jesus, that’s dreadful.’ The tape filled up with traffic noises.
‘This is pointless,’ I said.
Fran looked at me. ‘It’s not pointless. You’re only going to have to play the first bit to the boys. So what if they think you’re an over-romanticized idiot?’
‘I think there are enough people in the world already who think I’m an idiot,’ I grumbled sulkily. ‘I don’t want you to play that stupid tape. Let them get married. I don’t care.’
‘Fine. I don’t care either.’
‘Fine.’
‘Fine.’
‘Oh God.’
Fran’s lip curled.
‘OK, play the damn thing. Can you tell them it’s not me?’
‘That’s right, it could be almost anyone of a million friends I had at that hen night. With a Woking accent.’
‘I’ve got it! Stop it immediately before that bit. Then you just hear the Amanda being a cow bit and nobody gets to hear my speech.’
Fran pulled the spare mattress from under my bed and put the tape recorder under the pillow.
‘But that would be no fun,’ she protested.
‘Hey, nobody said a detective’s life is easy, schweetheart.’
Alex and I met up the next day. He’d been out with some of his pseudo rock-star mates, and looked pretty wasted. I wanted to do some early Christmas shopping, but knew there wouldn’t be much point in suggesting it, so we were lazing around in Charlie’s house, nursing our hangovers.
I’d told him about the invites, and he’d offered to phone up and get me into the wedding if it meant that much to me, then I’d had to explain that that wasn’t the point, then he’d said, well, what was the problem then, and I’d looked at him like he was a moron and he’d shrugged his shoulders and said what did I want him to do, go read Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus? and I said no, forget it, I was having my period.
But I couldn’t stay in a strop, because I had to tell him about the night before – in a highly edited version of course, centring around the idea that I might have some ethical concerns about the whole business. He couldn’t believe we’d actually gone so far as to wire ourselves up, and thought it was pretty cool.
‘Shall we join the FBI when we grow up?’ I asked him dreamily.
‘Yes, I think so. Do you think they get a million morons a day asking to join their alien division?’
‘I don’t know. Let’s phone them up, ask to join, and measure how pissed off the person’s voice is. Those are the kind of forensic detective skills you need to join.’
Alex nodded sagely. ‘So what are you going to do with the tape?’
‘I don’t know. Fran thinks we should play it to Fraser. I’m not so sure.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well … it’s illegal, isn’t it?’
‘So, you think Fraser might report you to the police?’
‘No … although I couldn’t join the FBI with a record.’
‘Or without American citizenship. Come on, do you really think it’s criminal?’
‘No-o-o … I just think it was a bit embarrassing and I kind of wish we hadn’t done it now. I mean, what if Fraser just shrugs his shoulders and never talks to us again?’
‘Well, you know me, I don’t really give a shit about this wedding … or any wedding for that matter …’
Point taken.
‘… but if you think it’s such a horrendous idea, well, then don’t you want to stop it? Like you won’t let your friends drive drunk, will you?’
‘Oh God, not that damn crocodile again.’
‘What?’
‘Never mind. I do want to stop it. I just didn’t think I’d actually, you know, have to do hard things.’
‘That’s why people tell other people to mind their own business.’
‘I know.’
‘But if they insist on interfering, pumpkin … they should carry it through. Can I hear it?’
‘No.’
‘Why not? What does it say on it? Does Amanda renounce Fraser because she’s desperate for my body?’
‘You wish.’
Alex shrugged.
‘Really? Would you really wish?’
‘No, my darling, I prefer my women more … Rubenesque.’
‘Fuck off! I can’t believe it. If she walked in here naked right now and offered it to you, would you take it?’
‘Are you still here at this point?’
‘No. Say I don’t even exist.’
‘Well, maybe.’
‘Maybe?’
He grinned. ‘Well, you know …’
‘But she’s evil!’
‘So you say.’
‘You’ve seen her be evil!’
‘When?’
He was right. I couldn’t remember a single occasion. God, she hid it well in front of men.
‘You have the morals of a lobster,’ I grumbled.
‘Oh, come on. You asked.’
‘Yes, and you’re supposed to say “no”. Always. Even if it’s like a whole Helena Christensen/Naomi Campbell lesbian-type thing. You’re always supposed to say no, you’d prefer me.’
‘But you don’t exist.’
‘Yes, well, apart from that.’
Charlie wandered in. When he saw me, he looked slightly embarrassed. I didn’t say anything.
‘Hey,’ said Alex.
‘Hey,’ said Charlie. Then he took a deep breath.
‘Urm … Melanie.’
I looked up, surprised.
‘I’m terribly sorry about last week.’
‘Oh, I’d forgotten all about it,’ I lied.
‘Huh. Right-oh. Erm, how’s that friend of yours?’
‘Which one?’ I asked him deliberately.
‘Yas, you know, erm … Fran.’
I smiled, and decided to embellish it a bit. ‘Oh, she’s doing absolutely great! Ever since she started seeing Angus …’
‘She’s seeing Angus?’ cut in Alex abruptly. ‘Since when?’
‘Since that night, actually.’
Charlie looked utterly crestfallen. ‘Gosh, I rather buggered that up then.’
‘What?’ said Alex. ‘She had her tongue down that other guy’s throat when we left.’
‘Well, you know Fran. Always up for a bit of adventure.’
Charlie perked up a bit. ‘Really?’
‘Only with Scottish people though,’ I said sympathetically. His crest fell again and he turned and left the room.
‘Damn gorgeous