Let the cameras roll

      The esteemed archaeologist, Professor Crump, is off on an archaeological dig to Templeton where a Roman encampment has been unearthed next to a caravan site. Assisting him on his dig are a group of eager students from the University of Kidburn and Professor Vooshka, an attractive woman whose mispronunciations of the English language are in danger of landing her in all sorts of trouble, especially when she greets everyone with the phrase, ‘How are your doings?’

      Other people heading to this quiet corner of England include Fred Ramsden and his mate, Ernie Bragg, two middle-aged men who tell their wives they’re off on a fishing trip, but it’s birds – and not the feathery kind – rather than fish that Fred’s hoping to catch. Arthur Upmore, meanwhile, is looking forward to a break with his wife, Linda, until he discovers his nagging mother-in-law is joining them. But it’s not the mother-in-law who’ll be causing problems in the Baxters’ caravan, but their enormous dog.

      Two late arrivals at the Riverside Caravan Site, which is normally restricted to caravans, are Sandra and Carol, two leggy girls who are hoping to camp. Although Major Leep, the site owner, points out no tents are allowed, he’s quick to bend the rules when Sandra shows a bit of thigh, claims she’s got a bad leg and will need it massaged later. Their cunning gets them through the gates and they pitch their tent next to Fred and Ernie’s caravan, who are soon eyeing them up.

      In the Lipmores’ van, Arthur is already fed up to the back teeth with the moaning Daphne Barnes, his mother-in-law; he’s soon getting the blame for the expletives pouring out of the beak of Daphne’s myna bird, and is somewhat relieved when it later escapes from its cage. But Daphne becomes a changed woman when she stumbles across her ex-husband, Henry, who’s working at the site as an odd-job man. Now with nearly £20,000 in the bank, thanks to a win on the Pools, they rekindle their love after ten years apart.

      A lack of progress on the girl front sees Fred and Ernie head for a pint at the local where they learn from the landlord that the caravan site is riddled with holes caused by Roman mining; they take little notice but their ignorace comes back to haunt them later.

      To liven up the site, Major Leep is planning a cabaret evening and contacts a theatrical agent for a singer. When he interrupts the conversation to talk to his caretaker about paint stripper, the agent gets the wrong end of the stick and thinks he’s after a stripper. Everyone is shocked when the dancer arrives and starts her erotic act, but while the men are lapping it up, the women aren’t so pleased. When some decide to leave they find they’re stuck to the recently painted chairs, tearing their trousers and skirts in the process.

      Before the holiday is over, the old Roman mines reveal themselves, swallowing the caravans, just as it’s time to go home.