PART THREE The Middle Bit

      In theory, after about 12 weeks you enter a new, easier, more Yummy and less vomitty phase, known as the second trimester. I call it the Middle Bit, because that’s just a lot clearer, as I’m sure you’ll agree. The middle bit brings clearly visible physical changes, and it heralds the beginning of your pregnancy ‘proper’, as opposed to some invisible affliction which makes you tired and grumpy. Now we can all see why!

      It’s during this stage that you will finally start to feel pregnant, and it can be very odd realising there really is a baby in there, and you really are going to be a mum fairly soon. Scary stuff, but something you’ll get used to in about ten years’ time. This part deals with some of the key physical and mental hurdles you will stumble ungraciously over, and hopes to make the transition into Properly Pregnant Lady a little smoother.

       Physical Changes

       15 October. 8 p.m. Hotel room in Manchester. Seven months pregnant.

       We are near the end of filming a very boring maths series for schools. My bump has grown so much over the course of the three-week shoot that we have had to resort to all sorts of clever trickery to conceal it: sitting down, holding objects at bump-level, shooting from the waist up and so on. Today wasn’t even subtle: they just stuck me behind the sofa instead of on it, and had me casually leaning over from the back. At one point I heard the floor manager complaining to the director that we needed to ‘find some way of disguising the situation’. I am not a situation. I am a pregnant lady who is not feeling very glam, and could do with someone telling her how gorgeous she is, and not that she is now so offensive to the eye that she needs to be hidden behind items of furniture!

       The worst thing is that I am starting to feel guilty about being pregnant: that I am ruining their show because of my big tummy. I should be proud, not ashamed. I felt tons better after going to the gym this evening and I managed to have a chicken salad and a yoghurt for dinner, instead of the banoffee pie and large glass of wine I actually wanted. Good girl. Now to try and sleep despite all the heartburn and a bump which means I can’t get comfortable, ever. Good night.

      You will have noticed by now that pregnancy doesn’t just affect your tummy and breasts. Sure, these are the areas it hits hardest, but the whole of your body, including your brain, God-dammit, will feel the effect in some way, and each day will hail the arrival of a new change for you to get used to. Well, at least it’s not boring…

      1. Hair

      Ahh, some good news here. It is very common for pregnant women to have thicker, more glossy hair for the last two trimesters. This is partly thanks to your hormones, which stop hair falling out so fast, and also partly because you have stopped murdering it with chemicals and treatments now that you are up the duff. If you already had thick hair then you might look like a backcombed toilet-brush, albeit a glossy one, so work out a style which works for all the new volume. If your hair becomes more oily, use a milder cleansing shampoo and don’t rub with your fingertips—this will stop it getting even oilier. For dry haystack hair, use a moisturising treatment every two weeks and leave overnight for a more intense effect.

       Top Tips for Pregnant Hair from Daniel Galvin Senior, and Lino Carbosiero, Artistic Consultant at Daniel Galvin, London

      You are more than safe to carry on having your hair coloured during pregnancy: there is no evidence that it can cause any harm to you or your baby, but if you are worried, then leave it.

      Semi-permanent colours contain no ammonia or peroxide, which you might feel happier about. Vegetable dyes are also a fantastic, gentler option.

      Having your highlights done regularly will keep you looking groomed and fresh throughout your pregnancy. It’s also a good way to relax for a few hours.

      Keeping colours lighter towards the hairline opens up the face, looks more natural, and can make you look thinner.

      Maintain your routine with your stylist throughout your pregnancy, so he or she can help you through any changes in condition and style.

      If your face becomes bigger, avoid short hair styles: this just makes your face look even rounder.

      Try softening the shape around the front of your face by going for a soft fringe, or gentle layering from the chin downwards.

      We recommend to all our pregnant clients that they get their hair washed and blow-dried before they go into labour. It doesn’t take long, but it will make you look sensational, and can really boost your mood. Lino’s wife swears it helped her to get through it all!

      NB: DO NOT GO FOR A RADICAL RESTYLE WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT! Firstly, your face will change shape (see over) so what suits you now might look awful within six months, and secondly, you are just a confused pregnant lady who thinks a change will make her feel better about the whole thing. It won’t. It will lead to tears and a disastrous barnet.

       2. Nails

      Like hair, your nails can look particularly lovely during this stage, and they can grow much more quickly. Unfortunately this can mean they become thinner and more brittle, but it’s a perfect excuse to have regular manicures.

       3. Eyes

      I had a very weird side-effect between about five and eight months pregnant with my third baby: my eyes became dry and itchy, and it looked as though the corneas were swollen and detached. Very gross, and quite worrying for a while. A check with an eye specialist concluded I had a ‘previously unseen and possibly pregnancy-related swelling of the cornea’, which I took to mean: ‘I haven’t got a clue but you’re not dying and it will probably go away eventually’, and I was discharged (sorry, unfortunate word for our subject). I only mention it to demonstrate the kind of bizarre changes you can come across.

       4. Bottom and Thighs

      The Middle Bit is when things start to change in these regions, and if you’ve been a bit smug so far, you might have to eat your words now. Despite your best efforts, your legs and bum will get a bit bigger now, because your amazingly intelligent but fashion-unaware body is programmed to retain some extra fat stores for after the birth.

       5. Arms

      Arms? Yep, even these can put a bit of worst-case-scenario-preparation flab on them, but if you are doing your weights in the gym then any emerging bingo wings can be sorted out quite easily.

       6. Face

      This was my worst bit. Seriously. I didn’t mind the legs or stomach, or even the occasional swollen ankle. But in all of my pregnancies my face got bigger, and I hated it. Sadly, it is very common: you’ve probably seen pictures of famous Yummy Mummies getting fuller in the face as their pregnancies progress, and it isn’t because the camera starts to add more pounds too—it’s because they really are getting bigger there. There