The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide. Liz Fraser
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bothered. And don’t feel sick, or have terrible heartburn (although my husband swears he knows the best cure for that, if you know what I mean…), or are too tired, or want to sit in the bath squeezing colostrum out of your nipples instead. It’s your call, because you are the pregnant one here.
Oh, and masturbation is still fine. Quick, effective, painless and risk-free.
TOP TIP: Less of a tip than a request, really. Please, please keep having sex as much as you can while you are pregnant. It’s so easy to put it on hold for a while, but getting your mojo back when you’ve been ‘on a break’ for several months is really difficult. You will need all the help you can to feel like a sexy, horny, desirable, nubile young thing once you become a Yummy Mummy as it is, and sex is one of the best ways of keeping in touch with the old you.
The F Word: I am Definitely the Fattest Person in the World
No you’re not. You are pregnant. Reminding yourself that you are pregnant and not fat doesn’t make it any easier or less distressing at the time, alas: when you start to feel big, bloated and shapeless it’s horrible, and you won’t be able to see past your growing abdomen and convince yourself that it’s actually not that bad. However, to most other, rational people you look lovely and womanly.
TOP SURVIVAL TIPS for this stage:
If none of the above works, then this will be a difficult, depressing few months, until you become properly pregnant and have no option but to go with the flow and love your bump. In the meantime, do yourself a favour and remember: YOU ARE NOT FAT, you just have ‘fat lenses’ in for a while.
Testing, Testing: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six…
Pregnant women need to toughen up before the birth, and the best way to do this is to stick needles in them as often as possible. Or so the medical profession seems to think. By the time you’ve reached The End, your arms will look like a watering can, you’ll have weed in enough small plastic vials to fill a watering can, and you will have had more tests than a watering can goes through before it’s released onto the shelves at B&Q.
Most of this testing is just to keep an eye on your iron levels and to see if there’s any protein in your urine (a sign of pre-eclampsia, aka Very Bad News). But there are other tests you will be offered, which can tell you a lot about your unborn baby, and which you will have to decide whether to have done or not.
Here are some of the main tests to expect:
Ultrasound Scans
Oh. My. God. Amazing, amazing, amazing. Scans are one of the most incredible things you will experience during the whole of your pregnancy, on a par with feeling your baby move and looking at your cleavage. A scan makes your baby seem real for the first time, and it can be a huge shock.
If you have completely irregular periods, like me, then you might have a scan within the first few weeks of gestation, just to confirm how far gone you are. At this stage there is almost nothing to see, except for a small blob, so don’t get too excited.
It’s common to have another one at about twelve weeks, to check that everything is hunky-dory, and to terrify you a little. By this stage your baby is about six centimetres long, and you may clearly be able to see the beginnings of little limbs, and a definite head bit. This is a good chance to get the first ‘baby photo’, which you can stick on your drinks cabinet to remind you why you’re not going to have that gin and tonic, or hide in your wallet and peek at on the way home.
The BIG SCAN usually happens at twenty weeks, and you should prepare yourself well. This time you will see a proper-looking human baby sucking its thumb, kicking its legs, waving at you (yes, really waving at you), scratching its head, turning somersaults and all sorts. Most people cry, some can’t speak for hours, and others get hysterical.
Tips to make the experience better: