Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat. Gael Lindenfield
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me during a period when I was suffering from chronic sinusitis. And I know that I will have a struggle to remember all my own advice on anger management if ever I become seriously ill or disabled. So physical health can also be a considerable factor in the anger equation.
INDIVIDUAL PERCEPTION
The variables of this factor are so numerous that perhaps they deserve a whole book to themselves. Here we will have to make do with one chapter devoted to looking at why some people tend to get more angry than others! For the moment, as an hors d’oeuvres to Chapter 5, imagine a room full of people from the same cultural background, all in good health and in a state of peaceful relaxation (perhaps a family or an office outing relaxing after Christmas lunch!) Picture something frustrating or irritating happening (perhaps a fuse blowing or the wine running out). Would you not expect a variety of reactions according to the range of personalities of the people in that room? Given the same trigger, under the same conditions, no doubt some will laugh the frustration off, others will express mild irritation and there may even be a few who stamp their feet with rage. Each person will have actually perceived a different anger trigger depending on the contents of both their conscious and subconscious minds, and each person will have reacted in a different way according to how they have individually learned to manage and demonstrate their feelings.
The Responses
Once the trigger has emerged from this complicated personal filtering process, a reaction can take place. This will take three different forms, physical, emotional and behavioural. Each one has a range of possibilities
You will note that:
– our physical reaction can range from being in a high state of arousal (so that our bodies are raring for energetic self-protective action) through to a catatonic state of deep-seated tension which immobilizes both body and mind
– our emotional reaction can range from violent outwardly focused rage through to an apparently emotionless depressive state caused by the denial or repression of the feeling of anger
– our behavioural reaction can range from murderous destructive attack through to the passive smile of the martyr who encourages further abuse and seems to lap up frustration and pain.
So our anger’s journey, from the moment it is stimulated through to the response we make, can indeed be very complicated. But it is certainly worth taking the trouble to become familiar, at the very least, with our own particular set of filters and responses because that, as I said earlier, is the first step towards having more control.
Out of control, you are at the mercy of your anger…you need a new kind of relationship with your emotions, one where you run them instead of them running you.
MARIA ARAPAKIS
CHAPTER 2 Anger and Our Bodies
One of the reasons why anger is so feared by many people is that it generates such immense physical power. Sometimes this power is so great that it can overrule both our hearts and our heads. Maybe we all harbour the fear that if we let this emotion get a physical hold on us, we could get out of control. It could perhaps be us one day standing in the court dock pleading:
‘I was so angry that I didn’t know what I was doing.’
‘I was in the grip of a furious temper and I couldn’t stop myself.’
‘I was blinded by rage.’
Let’s start by reminding ourselves of some of the benefits of anger’s physical qualities.
The Positive Function of Anger’s Physical Qualities
Yes, anger does have the potential for great physical power and this can be directed negatively both outwards and inwards. This is why we need to be fully aware of its role in relation to our bodies so that we have greater control of its physical effects.
The understandable concern we have in our society about violence and the association which, rightly or wrongly, people make between anger and this problem, means that it is often difficult for us to remember the two main positive functions of anger’s physical qualities:
1 Self-protection – our bodies are aroused into a state where they can function with maximum physical energy to aid our defence in response to potential hurt. This is commonly referred to as our natural ‘fight’ response.
2 Decompression – our bodies are given a chance to release pent-up physical tension caused by over-exposure to frustration. The safe physical ventilation of anger is an effective way of helping the autonomic nervous system to switch back into its normal relaxed functioning state. This is the state we commonly describe as ‘the calm after the storm’
WHAT HAPPENS IN OUR BODIES WHEN WE ARE ANGRY?
When we start to become angry, a whole chain of events automatically takes place inside our bodies. We are prepared physically to meet the threat which we perceive confronts us. Exciting new developments in the field of neuroscience have now made it possible to track this anger response even during its very earliest unconscious phase in our brains. As with all brain activity, the process is mind-blowingly complex. I can assure you that ploughing through all the latest literature on the subject has been tough going for a non-scientist like myself. But I am glad I persevered, because not only did I find the knowledge fascinating in itself, I found that having a little more insight into the physiological workings of anger has made it easier for me to convince some cynics that anger can be managed. In the following section I have tried to summarize the most relevant aspects of the knowledge we have to date. I hope you will also find it interesting and helpful. Should this whet your appetite for more detailed information, there are now many good books on the subject which will explain the process in much more detail (a selection is listed in the Further Reading section).
Anger’s Physical Journey
Once we have perceived a threat, either externally through our senses or in our mind through our imagination, there are two routes the anger response can take. The first is the one I have called The Wisdom Way. This route is the one which has been evolved for humans to use in everyday situations. It travels through our sophisticated, thinking brain centres. It is the route anger takes when we have (or imagine we have) time to reflect on the nature of the threat and choose an appropriate response.
The second route which the anger response uses I have called The Jungle Speedway. This is one designed for emotional emergencies. Our anger response will travel down this route if we need (or imagine that we need) to react instinctively and instantly in order to protect either ourselves or someone in our care, such as a young child. It is the fast-track to the primitive fight/flight/freeze response.
Let’s now take a look at each of these routes in action. In the following examples you will see how either of the two routes could be taken in the same person, even when the very same anger trigger is present.
Please note: this illustration does not give the full, complex picture of Anger’s Emotional Journeys. I have selected the stages in the process which are relevant to our anger management work.
RESPONSE 1 – VIA THE WISDOM WAY
Cathy is standing at home doing some washing up at her kitchen window. She is feeling relieved that her busy day has ended and is looking forward to a relaxing evening watching TV with her partner.
She