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Zac? Or was he just asking a general question? Everything was suddenly so muddled in my head, I felt like it was full of nothing but cotton wool, I couldn’t think straight. ‘I… I’ve had a good afternoon, yes, but… Mikku, I… I can’t do this, with Zac, I mean. I can’t do it.’
‘It won’t always feel this way,’ he repeated, those intense, dark eyes of his boring into mine, sending that now-familiar wave of calm washing over me. ‘I promise you that. But you have to want to move on, Jessie. And I think you need to give yourself a chance, I really do.’
Standing there, in the traditional blue Sami tunic with its distinctive decorations, the bands of bright red and yellow patterns that adorned the base, neck and cuffs, he looked so young, so handsome – this strange man, this beautiful boy. ‘But what if this grief, this guilt; what if it never goes away, Mikku? Jase, he’s… he’s still so… he’s still so much a part of me, I don’t know if I’m ready to let that go.’
Mikku just looked at me, his eyes locking onto mine again. It felt as though we were the only two people standing there, in the middle of the little market. It felt as though it was just us and the fairy lights and the Christmas trees and the smell of pine needles and mulled wine. ‘You were ready a long time ago, Jessie. You just need to let yourself realise that.’
I felt my eyes go heavy all of a sudden, so heavy I had no choice but to close them for a second or two, and when I opened them he was gone. ‘Mikku… Mikku…’ I swung around to see where he was but he’d just vanished. Maybe he’d had to go back to his stall, but as I wandered around the rest of the market, thinking about what Mikku had said, I couldn’t find him. He was nowhere to be seen.
I checked my watch. There was only an hour and a half until the party started and I was supposed to be meeting Zac in the bar at eight-thirty for a drink before it all got going. That didn’t leave me much time to get ready – if I wanted to get ready at all. Did I still want to go to the party? Did I still want to see Zac? Was I really ready for any of this? I didn’t know now, my head was spinning with it all, but especially with the words Mikku had spoken to me not a few seconds earlier – I’d been ready a long time ago. I just hadn’t realised it.
Zac sat at the bar, nervously swigging from a bottle of imported beer as he waited for Jessie to arrive. All around him the sounds of a Christmas party in full swing were to be heard, from the music coming from the main bar – where the party was being held – to the sounds of children running around the place as they talked in loud, overexcited voices about how they were going to see Santa Claus flying through the sky later. It was a happy place to be tonight, here, in this warm and friendly hotel, where the festive atmosphere was turned up to full and everyone was so happy it was catching. But then, he didn’t need anyone else’s happiness to make him feel good. He had his own, thanks to the incredible woman he’d met here, in this weird and wonderful little town. And it had been a long time since he’d wanted to feel happy again. Since losing Evie he’d almost felt as if he’d had no right to feel happy, not when she wasn’t around anymore, it didn’t seem fair. How could it be fair? They should have been sharing this happiness. But that had been taken from them in the cruellest of ways and he’d tried to live with it, tried to come to terms with it, tried to get over it in any way he could, which had usually consisted of him moving from ski resort to ski resort, picking up women and throwing himself into the party scene in the hope that the memories would fade and he’d stop feeling so empty, so lost. But none of it had worked. None of it had made him feel any better. None of it had stopped the guilt or the pain. None of it. Until he’d come here. Until he’d found this place. And in this place he had found Jessie. For the first time in a long time Zac felt as though a new beginning was finally within his reach; one that Evie would approve of. And he wasn’t going to let that go.
*
‘Promise me, when you meet him, you won’t go over the top or scare him off or do anything to embarrass me. Promise me, Matt.’
Matt looked at me, arching an eyebrow. ‘Honestly, Sis, what do you take me for?’
I’d completely forgotten that by inviting Zac here to the party at the hotel, he was going to have to meet Matt. But I couldn’t really avoid it now, could I? He’d be downstairs in the bar, waiting for me, so I could hardly go and tell him to leave just in case my little brother embarrassed me. Or was that just an excuse I was making up in my own head? Because Matt wasn’t really like that. And I knew it. Matt wanted me to be happy more than anyone, so I knew he would never do anything to intentionally embarrass me.
‘Jesus, Matt, I don’t know if this is right, y’know? I mean, I’ve only been here a few days and so much has happened and…’
He came over to me, holding me gently by the arms, kissing my forehead. ‘Everything happens for a reason; you and I are strong believers in that, Jess. Everything happens for a reason.’
I looked into his eyes, feeling tears stinging the back of mine. ‘Even Jase’s death? Did that happen for a reason too?’
Matt pulled me into his arms, hugging me tight, kissing the top of my head as he held me. ‘Jess, sweetheart, I don’t know. I really don’t know, but what I do know, and I’ll keep telling you this until you start to believe it, is that Jase wouldn’t want you to be unhappy.’ He pulled away slightly, gazing right into my eyes, reaching out to wipe away the tears that had fallen. ‘He wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life, Jessie, and you know that. You know that.’
I looked up at the ceiling for a few seconds, trying to clear my head, trying to frantically blink away the tears that I didn’t want to cry, but it was proving impossible. ‘Why is everything so hard, Matt?’
‘Because you make it that way, Jess. And it doesn’t have to be. Go downstairs, have a drink with Zac and enjoy yourself. Okay?’
I looked at him, trying to smile. ‘Is that an order?’
‘Yeah,’ he smiled back, squeezing my hand. ‘Now, go fix your face and the next time I see you I expect you to be happily clinging onto that ski instructor with a large drink in your hand. You got that?’
I gave him another hug, just letting the warmth and familiarity of him cocoon me for a second before letting him go. ‘I got it.’
‘Good. I’ll see you down there, then.’
I waited until he was gone before going over to the bedside table, taking a photograph out of the top drawer. I sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at the photograph of Jase with his beloved surfboard, his smile wide, his hair and beard all wet from the water and I remembered the day that photo was taken, at a surf competition in Tynemouth.
‘I’ll always love you, baby,’ I whispered, running my fingers lightly over the image, wiping my eyes with the back of my other hand as more tears escaped. ‘I will always, always love you. So much I don’t know if I can ever move on.’ I looked up from the photograph, my vision blurred as the tears took over once more. ‘Give me a sign, Jase, please. Just some kind of sign to tell me you’re okay with this because… because I just don’t know. I really don’t know.’ Bringing the photograph up to my lips I kissed Jase’s image, holding it to me as I let the last of the tears fall.
Sighing heavily I returned the picture to the drawer and walked over to the mirror, grimacing slightly as I looked at my reflection. I’d done enough damage to warrant a quick make-up repair job and as I reapplied mascara and dusted more powder over my tear-stained face, I took a deep breath and remembered what Mikku had said – I’d been ready a long time ago. For what, exactly? Ready to move on, is that what he meant? Of course he did. Of course that’s what he meant. But I didn’t feel ready to move on. I felt anything but ready.
Putting on another coat of lip gloss I took one last, deep breath and straightened the straps of my black top as I stared at my reflection. Maybe