The Rules: How to Capture the Heart of Mr Right. Ellen Fein
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wanes. That, in a nutshell, is the premise of The Rules. Sure, a man might marry you if you don’t do The Rules, but we can’t guarantee that yours will be a good marriage.
This is how it works: if men love challenge, we become challenging! But don’t ask a man if he loves challenge. He may think or even say he doesn’t. He may not even realize how he reacts. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.
As you read this book, you may think that The Rules are too calculating and wonder, “How hard to get do I have to be? Am I never to cook him dinner or take him to the theatre? What if I just feel like talking to him? Can’t I call? When may I reveal personal things about myself?”
The answer is: Read The Rules. Follow them completely (not à la carte) and you will be happy you did. How many of us know women who never quite trust their husbands and always feel slightly insecure? They may even see therapists to talk about why their husbands don’t pay attention to them. The Rules will save you about £50 an hour in therapy bills.
Of course, it’s easy to do The Rules with men you’re not that interested in. Naturally, you don’t call them, instantly return their calls, or send them love letters. Sometimes your indifference makes them so crazy about you that you end up marrying one of them. That’s because you did The Rules (without even thinking about it) and he proposed!
But settling for less is not what this book is about. The idea is to do The Rules with the man you’re really crazy about. This will require effort, patience, and self-restraint. But isn’t it worth it? Why should you compromise and marry someone who loves you but whom you’re not crazy about? We know many women who face this dilemma. But don’t worry—this book will help you marry only Mr. Right!
Your job now is to treat the man you are really, really crazy about like the man you’re not that interested in—don’t call, be busy sometimes! Do all of this from the beginning—from day one! Do it from the second you meet him—or should we say, the second he meets you! The better you do The Rules from the beginning, the harder he will fall for you.
Keep thinking, “How would I behave if I weren’t that interested in him?” And then behave that way. Would you offer endless encouragement to someone you didn’t really like? Would you stay on the phone with him for hours? Of course not!
Don’t worry that busyness and lack of interest will drive him away. The men you don’t like keep calling after you’ve turned them down, don’t they?
Remember, The Rules are not about getting just any man to adore you and propose; they’re about getting the man of your dreams to marry you! It’s an old-fashioned formula, but it really works!
We understand why modern, career-oriented women have sometimes scoffed at our suggestions. They’ve been MBA-trained to “make things happen” and to take charge of their careers. However, a relationship with a man is different from a job. In a relationship, the man must take charge. He must propose. We are not making this up—biologically, he’s the aggressor.
Some women complain that The Rules prevent them from being themselves or having fun. “Why should dating be work?” some ask. But when they end up alone on Saturday night because they did not follow The Rules, they always come back to us saying, “Okay, okay, tell me what to do.”
Doing what you want to do is not always in your best interest. On a job interview, you don’t act “like yourself.” You don’t eat cake if you’re serious about losing weight. Similarly, it is not wise to let it all hang out and break The Rules as soon as you begin dating a man.
In the long run, it’s not fun to break The Rules! You could easily end up alone. Think long term. Imagine a husband you love, beautiful sex, children, companionship, and growing old with someone who thinks you’re a great catch.
Think about never having to be alone on Saturday nights or having to ask your married friends to fix you up. Think about being a couple! Unfortunately, however, you must experience some delayed gratification in the first few months of the relationship to achieve this marital bliss. But has wearing your heart on your sleeve ever got you anywhere?
There are many books and theories on this subject. All make wonderful promises, but The Rules actually produce results. It’s easy to know what’s going on when you do The Rules. It’s very simple. If he calls you, pursues you, asks you out, it’s The Rules. If you have to make excuses for his behavior—for example, he didn’t call after the first date because he’s still hung up on his ex-girlfriend—and you have to think about every word he said until your head hurts and you call him, it’s not The Rules. Forget what he’s going through—for example, “fear of commitment” or “not ready for a relationship.” Remember, we don’t play therapist when we do The Rules. If he calls and asks you out, it’s The Rules. Anything else is conversation.
If you had ever met Melanie, you wouldn’t have thought she was extraordinarily pretty or smart or special, but you might have noticed that she had a way of behaving around men that put prom queens to shame. Melanie did the best with what she had: she wore makeup and clothes well, and acted elusive. Unlike other, prettier girls who ran after men or made themselves available every time a man called, Melanie acted indifferent—sometimes aloof, sometimes nice, but always happy and busy. She didn’t return their calls, didn’t stare at them (a dead giveaway of interest, see Rule 3), and always ended phone conversations first. “I’ve got a million things to do” was her favourite closing line. Melanie’s boyfriend eventually proposed to the one girl he thought he would never get—her!
Who hasn’t met a Melanie? Haven’t we all known women who seemed to be experts around men? Men don’t appear to unnerve these women or trip them up. They have a certain self-confidence around men that has nothing to do with their looks or their jobs. Melanies simply feel good about themselves—they can take or leave men—which makes men have to have them. Call it reverse psychology or whatever you want, but Melanies always get their man.
When you meet a Melanie, especially a plain and simple Melanie, you want to go up to her and ask, “What is it, what are you doing that make men run after you? What’s your secret? What am I doing wrong?” A genuine Melanie would probably say without too much thought, “Oh, it’s really nothing.” The born-again Melanies—former Rules breakers who have learned their lesson after being burned by chasing men—would probably say, “Yes, there is a secret. Men love a challenge. Don’t talk to them first, be busy sometimes, turn them down once in a while (nicely!).”
You will find Melanies everywhere you go. Watch them carefully. Observe how they have made self-contentment and independence an art form. They don’t look wildly around to catch men’s eyes. They don’t say hello first. They just go about their business.
It would probably be good practice the next time you are at a social event to stand back and watch the Melanies and The Rules breakers. Compare how the two types of women behave around men and notice the results. Notice how the Melanies intentionally don’t carry a pen with them in order to give men their phone numbers and they don’t rush to give their business cards. Notice the way they move around the room while The Rules breakers stand too long in one place, look anxious, or talk too long to one man. They make it too easy for men to ask them out—and, as you will read in this book, that’s a big mistake.
One day, after years of watching girls like Melanie snag the men of our dreams, we asked Melanie how she got such a great catch. She took pity on us and told us about The Rules. She said that we were nice but we talked too much and were over eager, and that we mistakenly tried to be “friends” with men rather than elusive butterflies, or, as she put it, “creatures unlike any other” (see