The Rules: How to Capture the Heart of Mr Right. Ellen Fein
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you going on those bad days when you are convinced that true love is just never going to happen to you!
Last but not least, trust this process. You may not meet your husband immediately after you have gotten in shape, bought some terrific outfits, and practiced The Rules on three eligible men. It may not be your time. But it is our experience that if you continue to do The Rules at every opportunity and pray for patience, you will eventually meet and marry the man of your dreams.
Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other”
Being a creature unlike any other is a state of mind. You don’t have to be rich, beautiful, or exceptionally smart to feel this way about yourself. And you don’t have to be born with this feeling either. It can be learned, practiced, and mastered, like all the other rules in this book.
Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight), and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back).
It doesn’t matter if you’re not a beauty queen, that you never finished college, or that you don’t keep up with current events. You still think you’re enough! You have more confidence than women with MBAs or money in the bank. You don’t grovel. You’re not desperate or anxious. You don’t date men who don’t want you. You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe: if not him, someone better, you say. You don’t settle. You don’t chase anyone. You don’t use sex to make men love you. You believe in love and marriage. You’re not cynical. You don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. Instead, you get a manicure and go out on another date or to a singles dance. You’re an optimist. You brush away a tear so that it doesn’t smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if!
On a date, you never show that getting married is foremost on your mind. You’re cool. He may think you’ve turned down several marriage proposals. You sip—never slurp—your drink and let him find out all about you, instead of the other way around. Your answers are short, light, and flirtatious. Your gestures are soft and feminine. When your hair falls in front of your face, you tilt your head back and comb back your hair with your hand from the top of your head in a slow, sweeping motion.
All your movements—the way you excuse yourself to use the ladies room or look at your watch to end the date—are fluid and sexy, not jerky or self-conscious. You’ve been on many dates before; you’re a pro. That’s because you take care of yourself. You didn’t lie in bed depressed, eating cakes before the date. You took a bubble bath, read this book, and built up your soul with positive slogans like, “I’m a beautiful woman. I am enough.” You told yourself that you don’t have to do anything more on the date than show up. He’ll either love you or not. It’s not your fault if he doesn’t call again. You’re beautiful, inside and out. Someone else will love you if he doesn’t. All that matters is that you end the date first (see Rule 11).
When you go to singles dances or parties, you pump yourself up. You pretend you’re a movie star. You hold your head high and walk in as if you just flew in from Paris on the Concorde. You’re only in town for one night and if some lucky hunk doesn’t swoop down and grab you it’ll be his loss!
You get a drink, a Perrier perhaps, even if you’re not thirsty. It keeps your hands busy so you don’t bite your nails or twirl your hair out of nervousness. You don’t show that you’re nervous, even if you are. That’s the secret: you act as if everything’s great, even if you’re on the verge of flunking college or getting fired. You walk briskly, as if you know where you’re going, which is just around the room. You keep moving. You don’t stand in a corner waiting for anyone. They have to catch you in motion.
If you think you aren’t pretty, if you think other girls are better dressed or thinner or cooler, you keep it to yourself. You tell yourself, “Any man would be lucky to have me,” until it sinks in and you start to believe it. If a man approaches you, you smile and answer his questions very nicely without saying too much. You’re demure, a bit mysterious. You leave him hungry for more, as opposed to bored. After a few minutes you say, “I think I’ll walk around now.”
Most women hang around men all night waiting to be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants to be with you or get your phone number, he’ll search the crowded room until he finds you. You don’t offer him your pen or business card. You don’t make it easy for him. Don’t even carry them with you or you may be tempted to “help him out.” The reason is that he has to do all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand by quietly. You think to yourself, “The Rules have begun!”
It’s that simple. You do The Rules and trust that one day a prince will notice that you’re different from all other women he’s known, and ask for your hand!
Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)
Never? Not even “Let’s have coffee” or “Do you come here often?” Right, not even these seemingly harmless openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is just being polite?
We know what you’re thinking. We know how extreme such a rule must sound, not to mention snobbish, silly, and painful; but taken in the context of The Rules, it makes perfect sense. After all, the premise of The Rules is that we never make anything happen, that we trust in the natural order of things—namely, that man pursues woman.
By talking to a man first, we interfere with whatever was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process. Eventually, he’ll talk to the girl he really wants and drop you.
Yet, we manage to rationalize this behavior by telling ourselves, “He’s shy” or “I’m just being friendly.” Are men really shy? We might as well tackle this question right now. Perhaps a therapist would say so, but we believe that most men are not shy, just not really, really interested if they don’t approach you. It’s hard to accept that, we know. It’s also hard waiting for the right one—the one who talks to you first, calls, and basically does most of the work in the beginning of the relationship because he must have you.
It’s easy to rationalize women’s aggressive behavior in this day and age. Unlike years ago when women met men at dances and “coming out” parties and simply waited for one to pick them out of the crowd and start a conversation, today many women are accountants, doctors, lawyers, dentists, and in management positions. They work with men, for men, and men work for them. Men are their patients and their clients. How can a woman not talk to a man first?
The Rules answer is to treat men you are interested in like any other client or patient or coworker, as hard as that may be. Let’s face it, when a woman meets a man she really likes, a lightbulb goes on in her head and she sometimes, without realizing it, relaxes, laughs, and spends more time with him than is necessary. She may suggest lunch to discuss something that could be discussed over the phone because she is hoping to ignite some romance. This is a common ploy. Some of the smartest women try to make things happen under the guise of business. They think they are too educated or talented to be passive, play games, or do The Rules. They feel their diplomas and salaries entitle them to do more in life than wait for the phone to ring. These women, we assure you, always end up heartbroken when