From Stress to Success: 10 Steps to a Relaxed and Happy Life: a unique mind and body plan. Xandria Williams
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and having that time to share their news of the day.
She admitted to feeling a little uncomfortable at having nothing to complain of but soon got used to the new regime and, as she said, it was amazing the way everybody was benefiting from the changes.
6 Get clear on your outcome – what are you really trying to achieve? Are you trying to prove someone else wrong, to force someone else to change to the way you want them to be, to have something to complain about – or do you really want to reduce your stress?
Let’s continue with Christina’s story. After these changes had come about she was able to acknowledge that they had been relatively easy. When asked why she hadn’t made them before she came to understand that what she had really wanted was to prove everyone else was wrong. She had wanted to prove what a thoughtless boss she had, how unhelpful her children were and what an inconsiderate man her husband was, expecting her to work full time and be a housewife as well. She was looking for sympathy for her hard lot in life. When she got clear on her goal of having a relaxed and stress-free time both at home and in the office, it was much easier for her to let go of her grudges, change the situation and reduce her stress.
7 Know you can cope. Avoid the stress caused by fear of the unknown. Imagine the worst possible scenario. Find out how you would deal with it. Then get on with handling the present.
A lot of stress comes from your fear of the future. You worry that this will happen, you’re afraid that that won’t happen. This in itself is stressful. It also reduces your ability to deal with the present and your ability to prevent this unwanted future. Further, since this bad future may never happen, you may be experiencing the stress needlessly.
The solution is to allow yourself to imagine the unimaginable. Create the worst possible scenario that could occur, the worst possible outcome that would result if all your fears were realized. Then plan what you would do. You would cope. Somehow or other, with the exception of the few people who opt for suicide, we all do cope. Recognize in detail just exactly what you would do and how you would cope. Then look for the benefits, even small ones, in this scenario, for there certainly will be some once you learn how to look for them.
Once you know that you can cope, no matter what happens, then you can free yourself from the crippling effects of your fear. If the outcome is bad but only half bad or two thirds bad then you are better off than you might have been.
You can either view a glass of water as half full or half empty. It won’t change the amount you have to drink; it will change your level of stress. If you have recognized what you will do if it becomes empty then you can enjoy the half you have rather than fret over the half you haven’t got.
This will give you an enormous increase in peace of mind and free your energies so you can focus on achieving the best possible outcome and deriving maximum enjoyment of the present.
8 Believe in a positive future, that whatever happens will be for the best, but do this without ceasing to care and without developing a laissez-faire attitude.
A lot of stress comes about from the belief that something bad will or could happen. The stress of public speaking is based on a fear that you will make a fool of yourself or that people will think badly of you. If you were totally convinced you would be a roaring success, you could look forward to the event with equanimity. The stress of an argument with your spouse may be due to an underlying fear that they are being unfaithful or are considering a divorce. If you knew that you were going to remain happily together then the argument could be an interesting difference of opinion. The stress at work could stem, not from the work itself but from a fear of losing your job. If you knew you were about to be promoted, the work could be an enjoyable challenge.
Thus a further aspect of minimizing the experience of stress is to believe in a positive future. Choosing to believe that the future will be good can take a lot of stress out of the present. Choosing to believe that any apparent setback is merely a move to allow something better to occur can reduce your experience of stress. These beliefs can also put you in a positive frame of mind such that you deal with current situations more productively and more peacefully than you would when afraid of negative outcomes.
Perhaps you are looking for a house and see the one of your dreams, one that is ideal and covers all your requirements. If you decide that you absolutely must have it and that no other house will do, you put yourself under enormous pressure. You will put in an offer and start biting your nails with the fear that someone else will offer more or that something will happen to jeopardize your purchase. If on the other hand, you work hard to get it but choose to believe that if you do you will be thrilled and if you don’t it is because you are about to find an even better one, you can save yourself a lot of stress.
There are two aspects to this. Firstly the belief helps you to proceed with a minimum of stress. Secondly it leaves you in a frame of mind in which you can negotiate the price from a position of strength. If fearing you won’t get the house and believing it is the only possible one, you get anxious, you are likely to offer a higher price than necessary and the owner will recognize your desperation and hold out for an even better price. If on the other hand, you choose to believe that if this purchase doesn’t come off you will find an even better house, you are more likely to base your offer on what you truly believe the house is worth rather than on how much you want it.
A word of warning here. If you translate this to mean that you don’t care if you get it or not, on a ‘laissez-faire’, ‘she’ll be right’ basis, this is a cop-out and you are missing the point. Stay positive and do go for your target but don’t live as if your life depended on it or as if another even better option isn’t possible.
9 Much stress is caused by your fear of other people’s opinions of you and your deeds. Decide who you are and who you want to be. Get a clear statement of purpose, develop your own Life Plan. Keep this clearly in your mind, live by it and many of your stresses will dissipate.
Much stress occurs simply because you don’t know who you want to be or what you want to achieve. Thus you are tossed around in a sea of other people’s opinions with no firm anchor.
If you are too timid the go-getters and positive people will call you a wimp. If you are too strong the nervous and the under-achievers will call you aggressive. If you are too noisy and outgoing the timid will call you brash. If you are too quiet and retiring the extroverts will call you dull. If you do too much for other people the selfish will call you a doormat. If you do too little for others the generous will call you unhelpful.
Too timid, too strong, too noisy, too quiet, too helpful or selfish for whom? For them? For you? By what standards are you judged? By what standards are you willing to be judged?
Create your own standards. Decide who you are and what you want to be. Once you have decided this and are happy with your description of your ideal self then live by it. If someone criticizes you, check it out against your own standards. If you have done the right thing according to them then relax. If you have not then use this as a learning experience and plan how you can change in future.
When you are behaving according to your own standards it is not possible for you to feel stressed by the opinions and criticisms of others. If you find repeatedly that you still feel stressed, even when you are doing what you think is right, it may be time for you to reassess your own standards. If they need to be changed, change them. If they don’t then find out what the underlying problem is, why you are still feeling stressed. There are many ways described throughout the book for doing this.
In the same way set out the plan for your life. Be very clear on your goals. Once you have done this, work towards them. Recognize the things you will have to avoid and omit if you are to reach them. Recognize the things you will have to do if you are to reach them. Once you are happy with this then get on with your life, head in this direction, clear in the knowledge of where you want to go.
Many stresses will then fall away. The stress or anxiety of not having a fixed income will be lessened when you recognize you are doing the appropriate study to reach your goal. The anxiety or discomfort of being pregnant will be reduced when you