From Stress to Success: 10 Steps to a Relaxed and Happy Life: a unique mind and body plan. Xandria Williams
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your capacity to deal with situations in a non-stressful way.
Finally
Most of the contents of this book apply to most people but certainly all of the book does not apply to all people. As has already been said, it is common to find that something you thrive on worries someone else and things that other people take in their stride cause you considerable anxiety.
For this reason there may be times when you want to put the book down or skip a section, insisting it is not relevant in your case. This may be true but beware. If you feel irritated, impatient or uncomfortable with a section it may well be that it is in some way making you nervous by triggering off an emotion or concept that you have managed to bury. This may be the very section from which you can benefit the most.
The ideas expressed here have been developed over many years in clinical practice and in workshops. During this time thousands of people have, directly and indirectly, contributed their experiences and their response to this approach to dealing with stress. Very few ideas are original. Much of what any one person creates is a combination of many inputs that are then gathered together and developed further by the individual concerned. So it is here.
Many different techniques have been included in this work. Some have been successful; others less so. Over the years these have been distilled into my own particular way of working. I owe grateful acknowledgement to many sources often now long-forgotten. Most of all I owe thanks to the many thousands of people who have entrusted me with their confidence and shown a willingness to explore their innermost thoughts and experiences, out of which has come, hopefully, their opportunity to create a happier and much less stressful future.
Overall it can be said that the results, achieved largely through the efforts of the individuals concerned, have been impressive. Some people have made major gains, others have been willing to take only small steps. The most unexpected people have shown a willingness to make huge changes in their lives, to push their fears to the limit and to face up to and explore their inner anxieties, their uncertainties and past traumas. They have had the courage to take a good look at their past and their own attitudes and out of what they have learnt in this way to create a new and independent future, largely free from stress. You too can do this.
I have learnt many things during these years. I have learnt never to second guess what is bothering someone. The moment I do we get off track. Only you know what you feel. Only you know what is right for you. Only you can make the changes. I have also learnt that, by using the methods described in this book, people have been able to deal with a wide variety of stresses and come through smiling. The more willing you are to work with these ideas and explore them fully, the more successful you can be and the better your life can be in the future.
Finally, I have learnt to have great respect for every single person, not to judge them but to value them just as they are. Each individual is a single and valuable entity. Each individual is perfect, just as they are, for their present step on the pathway of their own chosen growth and development. This is true however much they plan to change and grow in the future, both immediate and distant. You too are perfect, however much you want to grow and change, and as soon as you can value yourself in this way you can have a happy and stress-free life.
One further point is worth emphasizing. The object of this book is to enable you to be in control of your life, your emotions and your responses to situations, to give you a clear base from which to enjoy your life and its relationships. It is you who can alter and improve your life, no-one else. For this reason you are not encouraged to lean on anyone or anything, including this book. At no time will you be told that it is all right in this particular situation to blame someone else, to depend on someone else rather than yourself for support and succour, to lie back and say that this time, just this time, the stress is too much and you cannot cope. You will always be encouraged to find your own way out, to rely on your own inner strengths. By all means relate to other people, share your emotions with them and welcome their concern for your welfare. But what happens if you are depending on them and they are not there for you? If you are relying on them and they don’t help, you have yet another stress with which to deal.
By not relying on others you are not becoming heartless or cut off. By being independently strong, centred and focused in such a way that you do not have stresses in your life you are not cutting yourself off from the normal interplays of emotions and relationships. On the contrary, when you are self-sufficient and centred you have much more to offer to other people. You no longer relate to them in a way that involves blame or guilt, strength or weakness. You will no longer try to manipulate situations, emotions or people, nor will people be able to manipulate you. Your relationships will be much more clear, honest and harmonious.
There may be times when the approach may seem to be heartless. It is not, nor is this the intent. There is a fine line between empowering you and seeming to be uncaring. The aim at all times is to empower you. I care too much to want to deprive you of your ultimate resource – yourself and your own strength.
This is a very practical book. You will be given a lot to think about and a lot to do. The result should excite you. Start reading – and enjoy.
Often in this book you will see the term ‘running a phrase’. Running a phrase is a very useful way to discover what is going on in your subconscious so let’s find out what happens.
The phrase you are told to run may be simple; it is usually short and you are told to complete the sentence over and over again. We will start with a simple and appropriate phrase, one you have probably said to yourself many times: ‘I feel stressed because …’ Say it once, complete it and write down the completion, or the second part. Then do this again. Repeat the process until your responses become repetitive but don’t give up. Continue for a while. There may well be some very valuable bits of information your subconscious is just getting ready to release.
There is a certain hypnotic power about the first part, the phrase itself. It’s as if it occupies your conscious mind and takes its attention away from monitoring what you are going to say next. Your subconscious is then free to let out little whispers of underlying truth. The results may look like this:
• I feel stressed because – I have too much to do
• I feel stressed because – I may not get everything done
• I feel stressed because – things are getting on top of me
• I feel stressed because – if I get behind I will be in trouble
• I feel stressed because – I’m not able to do everything I have to
• I feel stressed because – they’ll think I’m stupid
• I feel stressed because – I am stupid, I can’t cope
It is important that the completion is short and carries no explanation. If, after the first one, ‘… I have too much to do’, you had continued with ‘… there’s all the housework, and the children all seem to think I should do everything for them, and my husband does so much business entertaining and wants me with him…’ you would have lost the benefit of the process. You would have gone into justification, into logic, into the conscious brain’s ingrained pattern of justifying everything you do intellectually.
By returning to the starting phrase each time you will find you get much more interesting and useful information. You will get a truer window into your subconscious and into some of your hidden and buried memories.
Consider the above completions. This was the list Jennifer got by doing the process above, by running the phrase ‘I feel stressed because…’. At first they were logical and commonplace completions. They were the reasons many people give for feeling stressed. Many people feel they have too much to do. They worry that they will not get their various tasks done in the time available and that if this happens things will get on top of them and they won’t be able to cope. However, as Jennifer relaxed into the process, her subconscious came up with the last two, ‘They’ll think