Moody Bitches: The Truth about the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having and What’s Really Making You Crazy.... Julie Holland
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one partner will be clingier while the other will be squirming away. Some people comfort themselves in a dyad, while others soothe themselves solo. Compromise is key here, as we all have our sweet spot regarding intimacy. Some of us want to share everything and be bound at the hip, while others of us would like a little elbow room, please.
Part of the problem is that we’ve been fed this idea that our spouse should be able to provide everything we need: love, security, companionship, and hot sex. But the intimacy and comfort of a committed relationship carry a completely different energy (not to mention brain chemistry) than eroticism and lust do. Some of the hottest sex you’ve ever had probably occurred with someone you didn’t know all that well, right? The excitement of two people coming together rests on the uncertainty of where it’s going and whether it will last. Once you’re committed to each other, that spark is history. The trick is to balance the need for unpredictability and novelty with the need for consistency and reliability. And it’s no easy trick.
Our sex may be less hot unless we each “get a life,” but there’s a competing theory about spending time together for the good of the partnership. Couples who spend weekly time talking or being active together are more likely to be happy than couples who take less time to bond. Spouses who share friends spend more time together and have better marriages. Since the 1970s, we’re spending less time with our partners (from thirty-five to twenty-six hours a week) and more time doing other things outside the home, mostly work. For couples with kids, the number of hours spent together has gone from thirteen to nine.
Our emotional needs may be clamoring for more time together, while our animal, lusting selves may require time apart for a sense of novelty. Balancing our needs for intimacy and isolation is challenging and a frequent source of stress in our relationships. The first step is to honestly appraise what your needs and desires are and then to lovingly communicate them to your partner. You can’t negotiate what isn’t on the table, so you’re going to have to show your hand in order to win. There is one-way autoregulation, which is “I can do this for myself” or “You can do this for me.” Then there’s two-way mutual regulation: “We do this for each other.” If two people heal the relationship actively, the relationship will heal the two people. Pour your attention into the space between and it will nurture you in return.
Surviving an Affair
Nearly a third of marriages survive an infidelity. Sometimes the discovery of an affair can lead to positive outcomes in the relationship. There may be a willingness to work through problems or improve communication or the quality of the partnership. It is an opportunity to rewrite the rules of your marriage and to become aware of unconscious behaviors that threaten to put anything before your relationship. One of you went outside the safe space of your “couple bubble” to get your needs met. This is crucial information to help make your conscious marriage stronger.
Typically, the man who has an affair will realize that the wife he left is better suited to his needs and caretaking than the woman he left her for. Unfortunately, many women are schooled to reject a repentant cheater because he’ll likely do it again. Serial monogamy—falling in lust, becoming attached and committed, only to eventually fall for another partner all over again—is our way of trying to grapple with two competing masters, biology and society.
Rewriting the Rules
Some couples opt for honesty over fidelity. They accept that their partners are occasionally going to be interested in other lovers and don’t want to forfeit the entire relationship. I have a few trailblazing patients who are consensually nonmonogamous. That is, they both know what’s going on with the other. Some are swingers, others are in open marriages, and a few call themselves polyamorous. The bottom line with all three is consciousness, and dare I say conscientiousness. Rules are clearly conveyed and adherence is monitored and discussed. Everything is out in the open, which allows both partners to go through the process as one. Their trust is based on truth.
Sometimes people have sex outside their primary relationship for reasons not involving their partner’s or the relationship’s inadequacy. For example, what if one member of the dyad is bisexual? In Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, she describes “couples who negotiate sexual boundaries” as “no less committed than those who keep the gates closed. It is their desire to make the relationship stronger that leads them to explore other models of long-term love.”
It’s normal and natural for both sexes to have a wandering eye and a thirst for novelty in the form of new partners. To pretend otherwise is delusional. How we respond to those desires is up to us. We should at least begin with open communication about our wants and needs with our partner. Candid talk may reveal some surprises; for instance, some men are aroused by the thought of their wives with other men. Talk about your fantasies and share your experiences out in the world when you get home. Hiding and lying will bring only shame, stress, and their eventual discovery. Don’t wait until things have progressed before you reveal the details to your partner. Maintaining a secure attachment will assist both of you in navigating these waters together, helping to make your relationship watertight.
Making Love Last: The Temptation of Monogamy
Many committed partnerships feel the fizzle at about three to four years, a common spike in when divorces occur. Anthropologists reckon that this is biological more than anything else. Attachment, trust, security—all of these vasopressin- and oxytocin-powered devices evolved so partners would stay together at least long enough to raise a child. Pairs mate and rear an infant through toddlerhood, and when the heavy lifting of parenting has passed, there is a biological drive to move on and partner with another, always searching for the best genetic material for their lineage. Hence, serial monogamy, sequential committed relationships.
Because we’re living longer, couples are spending many more years together than was the case in generations past. So the question is, how do you keep love alive and make it last over these many bumps in the road? Have fun, have sex, and give each other space. Fun, in this case, needs to be about novelty and adrenaline. Novel experiences increase dopamine levels as the brain turns on the gas to pay attention and enjoy. Dopamine can trigger testosterone release, so new activities that require focused attention can help create desire. Dopamine injected into the male rat’s bloodstream stimulates copulating behavior, and horny rats that copulate frequently have higher circulating dopamine levels. If you can find a way to inject a sense of danger into your activities, go for it. Norepinephrine, the brain’s version of adrenaline, can also stimulate the production and release of testosterone, which will rev sexual desire. So anything that’s moderately stressful, threatening, transgressive, or mildly painful can potentially be sexually arousing as well. In sex research, this is known as excitation transfer. You may simply know it as “kinky.”
Having sex can trigger the hormones you need to make you horny. I often encourage my patients who report low desire to just go ahead and start the process of sex. Once you get going, some of the desirable brain changes will start to kick in, and before you know it, you’ll actually be enjoying yourself. “Use it or lose it” definitely applies to sex. Having orgasms regularly keeps all your sex hormones in play; the more sex you’re having, the more sex you’ll have. Regular exposure to male pheromones keeps hormone levels healthier, so keep smelling your man. Also, the chemistry that results from orgasm triggers closeness and bonding and possibly even monogamy, all of which might lead to more sex. But this is where it gets complicated.
The warm waters