Skip the Guilt Trap: Simple steps to help you move on with your life. Gael Lindenfield
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On reading this list you may have noticed that I did not include any gender issues. Although I often hear and read the opinion that women feel more guilt than men, to my knowledge there is no research to back up this belief. Women perhaps talk more openly in everyday life about their guilt. Men do not do this so much, but will drink, overwork or bash a boxing bag to reduce the tension, but then suppress it. However, in the confidential confines of therapy, I see little difference between the genders. Certainly the causes appear similar, as does the degree of distress.
EXERCISE: HOW PREDISPOSED AM I TO GETTING CAUGHT IN A GUILT TRAP?
1. Re-read the above list again. This time do so more slowly, giving yourself time to think about each characteristic. Mark the ones that have some significance for you.
2. Discuss with members of your family or a friend.
3. Make some notes.
Summary
• Before we can feel guilt, the neocortex regions of our brain must be fully functioning and we must able to:
a) understand the difference between the concepts of right and wrong;
b) learn and remember that there are standards that others may expect us to meet or that we ourselves may want to meet;
c) be self-aware enough to notice the sensations that we experience when guilt has been triggered.
• Guilt has evolved along with other self-conscious emotions to strengthen groups by encouraging loyalty and self-discipline.
• Guilt and shame are different. Guilt is a feeling we have when we think we have done something wrong. Shame is what we feel when we think we are a bad person because we have done something wrong.
• We may each feel guilt in different ways, even though some of the signs of guilt may be shared.
• Some of us are more predisposed to get caught in a guilt trap than others.
We often hear guilt described in oppositional terms such as ‘healthy’/’unhealthy’ or ‘rational’/’irrational’. I confess to having talked about it in these terms many times myself, and I still do occasionally. But the reality is that people who have difficulty in managing guilt are usually experiencing a messy muddle of a number of types of guilt, including both oppositional kinds. And to make matters worse, people’s inner cauldron of guilt is forever changing.
As we can’t see or touch feelings, naming and describing the problem we have with them is very helpful. It makes the issue more real and is an important first step towards dealing with it. Furthermore, if we see it in black and white outside our head, our thinking brain becomes top dog, rather than our emotional brain. We can then often see clues as to what we may need to do to manage the problem better. This is not just true for us as individuals; it also applies to groups, organisations and societies, too.
So I have compiled a list of the ten most common types of guilt that I have encountered. I will describe each kind and give you some examples. This should help you to identify the types of guilt that trouble you, and understand the kinds that other people you know may experience.
Please remember that my ten types do not constitute an exhaustive list. If you don’t feel your guilt fits under any of these categories, try creating one or more new labels and write a short description for each. I am confident that you will be able to apply the advice and strategies in this book with minimal adaptation.
Positive guilt
As we noted in the last chapter, guilt evolved in humans as a helping mechanism. For those of us whose experience with guilt has been quite negative, it is important to remember that it can still be very good for us, and also for the world we live in.
When guilt is felt appropriately, and the wrongdoer feels the motivational urge to make recompense and then takes constructive action, it has the power to be positive. Let’s look at a couple of examples:
a) 1. Ian had a journey from hell coming back from work. When he arrived home, his six-year-old son jumped on him to greet him. Ian irritably brushed him aside. On seeing the tears well up in his son’s eyes, he felt a surge of guilt. He immediately took his son in his arms and said he was sorry. He then asked if he could make up for his bad temper by having a kick-around with him with his new football. His son was delighted!
2. Janine was newly appointed as a manager in a store. Her brief was to improve the turnover. This was her first management post and she had been told by her boss that she would now have to ‘toughen up’ her style of relating to her team, many of whom had become her friends.
For the first six months she tried and failed. Turnover didn’t improve and she became alienated from her colleagues. She knew that she was doing something wrong, but she didn’t know what. Her staff were obviously demotivated and Janine felt guilty and concerned. She decided to try a weekend course in interpersonal skills