F*ck Feelings: Less Obsessing, More Living. Sarah Bennett
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problem, even though it’s gotten you fired, dumped, arrested, etc.
Among the wishes people express when they need to stop an addictive behavior are:
• To end their substance abuse and/or self-abuse, period
• To get others to understand that they don’t have a drinking problem, it’s everyone else who’s got a thinking problem
• To figure out whether they’re really addicted or just a big fan
• To find the elusive middle ground of use between sobriety and addiction
Here are some examples:
I’ve gone through detox three times and I just can’t stay sober. The only place I can go after treatment is back to my family and a marriage from hell, but my kids need me. I start out with lots of determination and a list of meetings, and I just get absorbed by the stress of conflict with my wife and caring for the kids, and by the end of the day I’m grabbing for the hidden bottles. I don’t have time to go to meetings and there aren’t any near where I live. My goal is to find the strength I just don’t have and no one has been able to give me.
My husband tells me he doesn’t have a problem with addiction because he never has a hangover or misses a day of work, but he’s quietly plastered by dinner and useless after, which is when the kids really want to spend time with him. It’s true, he’s a quiet, mellow drunk, but he’s just not good for much after the second glass. He says he’s better than his own father, he’s a good provider, he works hard—and so he has a right to relax at night, so I’m just making trouble by giving him a hard time. My goal is to figure out whether he’s addicted and how to get him some help.
My wife was angry when she found out that I spend hours every evening looking at porn and playing video games online, but I don’t see what’s wrong. We have a good sex life, I’m not unfaithful, and there’s no harm in it. She says I can’t see how much of my life I’m wasting online, how it’s taking away from other areas of my life, and that I need help. I think the only thing wrong is that she’s mad at me because she’s overreacting to my looking at sex on the Internet. My goal is to get her to see that there’s nothing wrong.
Before even attempting to decide whether you’re addicted to a substance or destructive behavior, define for yourself what those things mean. You know what your family says, and what AA pamphlets say, and even what your dealer says, but unless you take time to define addiction for yourself, everyone else’s opinion is bullshit (especially your dealer’s).
In fact, most people who struggle with addiction don’t necessarily have medical withdrawal symptoms (although, if you do, that’s significant), or get arrested, or become the subject of an intervention. So aside from the major signs of addiction, your definition should include all the ways a behavior or substance prevents you from doing your job, being a decent person, and avoiding unnecessary risks.
What you want to examine then, even by asking friends and family when necessary, is the impact your possible addiction has on just those factors: quality of work/security of employment; your own definition of being a good friend or partner; and your physical health (safe driving, safe sex, safe liver, etc.).
Most important, consider whether your possible addiction is getting in the way of being a decent person (with “decent person” defined as someone who does their work, doesn’t drive drunk, isn’t an insufferable idiot, etc.).
You can even pull a Hasselhoff and ask for a video recording of what you’re like under the influence if you don’t remember or doubt the objectivity of feedback. Weigh in the opinions of others but ignore their feelings, because this isn’t about changing their minds, arguing with them, or pleasing them. It’s about whether your behavior compromises your ability to live up to your standards.
If you remain in doubt, gather more information by trying to stop using whatever substance or behavior you may be addicted to, observing yourself for a month while abstaining, and seeing what the difference is. Don’t talk yourself into or out of recognizing an addiction because of the way you or anyone else feels about it, just gather facts and measure your behavior against your own standards.
If you decide you need to change an addictive behavior and can’t do it with willpower alone, finding the right AA meeting can connect you with a huge resource. AA tells you that you become stronger the moment you admit you can’t overcome addiction on your own, an admission that, among its twelve steps to recovery, is the first. It also encourages you to disown responsibility for what you don’t control, so that undeserved guilt won’t prevent you from improving your management of what you do control (see: the Serenity Prayer). AA isn’t a perfect fit for everyone—some find it too rigid or even cultlike—but because it’s free, easily accessible, and pragmatic, it’s always worth trying first. If meetings alone don’t stop your addictive behavior, seek out a more time- and activity-encompassing treatment, like four hours per day of therapy with professionals (called an intensive outpatient program) or all-day therapy (called day or partial hospital treatment) or all-day therapy while living at an institution (residential rehabilitation).
If you believe that your responsibility for taking care of others prevents you from stopping an addictive behavior, think again. Yes, some people carry huge responsibilities, but what makes it hard for them to help themselves is their help-aholism, or inability to put a boundary on their obligations. They can’t help others and think of their own needs at the same time, which means they give too much, get tired and empty, and lose control. As they get better at managing addiction, however, they also get better at managing other needs, including the need to give, so sobriety pays extra dividends for the person who can’t stop giving.
If you’re trying to get help for someone who doesn’t yet want it, keep in mind that such help seldom is effective, because it doesn’t work when someone is attending treatment for you rather than for themselves. Instead of taking responsibility for another person’s recovery, give them tools for auditing themselves, as above, and challenge them to use those tools to decide for themselves whether they need sobriety and help.
Don’t give priority to their happiness or lack of it. Ask them whether they have priorities that are more important than happiness, like safety, health, and the quality of their relationships. If so, then they must ignore happiness and control behaviors that are doing them harm.
The spirituality that helps people help one another to manage addiction does not require a belief in God. It requires a belief that there’s more value in doing good, and being the kind of person you can respect, than there is in feeling good.
Addictive behaviors make it very hard for you to control all impulsive actions aimed at pleasure and quick relief of pain, and they prevent you from getting strong. Good management helps you build your own values and gives you the strength to ignore pain and do what, after much reflection, you’ve decided is right.
Quick Diagnosis
Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:
• Happiness/relief when you deserve it
• Freedom from fear about life’s dangers and the responsibility to protect yourself
• The ability to rescue others from addictions
• Sometimes, the ability to stop your own addictions, at least without tons of struggle
Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:
• Judge your sobriety and self-control objectively
• Manage behaviors you want to change rather than attack yourself for having them
• Ignore shame, and respect yourself for what you’re trying to achieve
• Value a good effort, regardless of results
Here’s how you can do it:
• Define your standards for sober behavior
• Decide how