F*ck Feelings: Less Obsessing, More Living. Sarah Bennett
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of persuasion, as much as you would wish for it. Instead, use whatever other methods you can find, even if they’re not interesting or fun, to get the job done.
Here are signs that the Force of Persuasion is not with you:
• When you try to dress for success, people ask if you’re going to a costume party
• Your words come out as if you’re speaking a foreign language
• Your listeners respond as if you’re speaking a foreign language
• The harder you try to project confidence, the more you get treated like poop
Among the wishes people express when they yearn for the power to persuade:
• To find the confidence to release their inner persuader
• To move the world with the strength of their words and beliefs, or at least move a date, key family members, or important clients
• To stop overthinking and trying to defeat themselves
• To understand where their mojo’s gone
• To trick themselves into thinking they’re great so others will follow
Here are three examples:
I used to be able to hold my students spellbound, but ever since my stroke it’s hard to keep their attention. My speech is clear and my memory is solid, but my words don’t flow and sometimes I get nervous and blush, which never happened before. Then I doubt myself, which just gets me more off my rhythm, and I start to notice they’re fidgeting and bored, and it’s even harder to get back on track. My goal is to figure out how to get back my ability to lecture to my standards or let myself down and retire.
If I wasn’t her son (and only child), I bet I could get my mother to stop drinking. I’m always nervous about how she’s going to respond, so I’m always hesitant and apologetic, instead of telling her why she needs to quit. It’s depressing that I can’t get through to her, but with Dad long gone, I don’t know anyone else she’ll listen to. My goal is to get the confidence to speak to her effectively and get her sober.
There are three guys at the dealership I work at who know less about the cars than I do, but they sell them better because they really think they’re hotshots. I’ve studied the sales material carefully and know it cold, and I sell enough cars to keep my job, but I hate getting beat by guys who are just better at bullshitting than I am. My goal is to get the confidence to be a better bullshitter or get better at bullshit so I’ll have more confidence, get the bonuses, and never feel screwed over again.
Just because you lack persuasive abilities for one reason or another, or find them unequal to the task at hand, doesn’t mean that you should be able to be more persuasive and should keep trying until you are. There’s a certain point—let’s call it the desperation fulcrum—at which pushing yourself to be more articulate makes you repetitive, boring, and overeager, driving people further away from your point of view.
Unfortunately, practice doesn’t make perfect; at some point, after you’ve consulted advisers, tried exercises, and analyzed obstacles, it’s time to accept that the problem is what it is. If you keep on looking at improving persuasiveness as the goal of a failed quest, life will seem increasingly negative and hopeless, and the fulcrum point will move ever closer with each new negotiation.
If you accept your problem as an unfortunate dysfunction you’ve done your best to fix, then the failure isn’t personal. You’ve done a good job pushing your limits (even if they pushed right back) and it’s time to look for alternatives.
Remember, persuasiveness is one of those abilities that can do both good and harm. It can get you sales, votes, and deals, but it also gives you the power to take advantage of others or use negative emotions to get their support, and this may turn into mini–Wolf of Wall Street, damaging your reputation (and eternal soul) in the long run. Even if you get them to do things for you that they wouldn’t for someone else, their motivation will disappear if they think they don’t have your attention.
In any case, there are ways you can achieve your goal even if you don’t have the ability to persuade. One is to follow a commonsense procedure for weighing decisions as if you were the person you wish to persuade. Instead of pushing their emotional buttons, pretend you’re a coach or adviser responsible for reviewing all the reasons for or against a decision, taking into account consequences and your clients’ values.
Whether you’re trying to sell them a car or sobriety, use plainspoken expertise, not flash, to explain the risks and benefits you believe they face. Know the pros and cons well enough that your confidence in your knowledge shines through, and if you still can’t close on the sale, you won’t feel the urge to keep nudging, or to reproach your own unpersuasiveness, since you’ll know you did your best.
So don’t despair if you can’t summon persuasive powers. You may long for the unique pleasure and power of being a wheeler-dealer or orator, but assuming that your main interest is in getting the job done, there are other ways to do it and feel good about your accomplishments instead of desperate about what you just can’t do.
Quick Diagnosis
Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:
• To get people other than your mother to pay attention and take pleasure in listening to you
• To get people to do what you want for financial, sexual, or generally selfish benefit
• To win people over with the natural charisma you do not have
Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:
• Offer people a fair summary of the pros and cons of a possible decision
• Persuade people that you’re more interested in enhancing their choices than imposing your own opinion
• Be a knowledgeable, good listener
• Keep your emotions to yourself
• Take satisfaction in meeting your own standards rather than moving others
Here’s how you can do it:
• Develop due diligence procedures for listing the risks and rewards of any decision, including purchases, partnerships, and partying
• Do your research and gather information about decisions you wish to influence
• Present yourself in terms of your interest in finding a good solution, rather than forming a close relationship or winning a contest
• Learn to present information accurately and concisely, even if you’re boring and not funny
• Judge yourself on whether you’ve followed your procedures, rather than on whether someone did what you wanted them to do
Your Script
Here’s what to say to yourself or a skeptical relative, client, or customer when you’re trying, and failing, to sell your point.
Dear [Me/Suspicious Client/Stubborn Relative],
Regardless of my own opinion, I’d like to help you [make a decision/spend a lot of money/pass an exam/get your head out of your ass] by giving you a brief rundown of the [pros and cons /fact and fiction/details I know backward and forward]. If you happen to have strong [insert emotional noun] about this situation, I hope you will weigh them objectively while considering their likelihood, and add them into your overall equation.
Good versus Bad Things upon Which to Base Your Self-Esteem
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