The World of Karl Pilkington. Karl Pilkington
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Well there’s loads more than that.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky: Okay, show me that you’ve got just one.
Karl: No, right, there’s this one that’s knocking about and what it is – say if I’m in a pub, right, and I’m just doing a crossword or whatever …
Steve: … Unlikely, but go on …
Karl: And there’s some woman who’s walked in, right, and she’s staring at me. I know she’s looking at me and I look up and she’s looking at me. They’re saying that’s a new sense that they’ve found out from doing tests and what have you.
Ricky: Yeah, it’s rubbish.
Karl: And they are saying that’s been around since like man and dinosaurs was knocking about.
Ricky: But it could be peripheral vision.
Karl: No they’ve explained it.
Steve: I think it’s safe to assume that, with your perfectly round head, people are always stopping and looking at you.
Karl: No, but they explained it. They said it’s from the time when caveman was wandering about and he would go, ‘Hang on a minute’ and he would look round and there’s a dinosaur there or whatever, and he’d leg it.
Ricky: Right, this is nonsense. ‘When caveman was wandering round’. Cavemen and dinosaurs, oh they used to live together, yeah sure. Oh that’s the same era. What have you been watching, Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC?
Karl: What d’you mean?
Ricky: What do you mean, ‘caveman wandering about, knocking around with a dinosaur?’
Steve: You do know The Flintstones is only partly based on fact?
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Dinosaurs and man did not co-exist. Dinosaurs had long gone before man arrived. Extinct, kaput.
Karl: Hmm.
Steve: What, you don’t believe us because you saw that film where they took pictures of lizards and magnified them and put them next to men so they looked like they were fighting each other?
Karl: No but why couldn’t that have happened? Why wasn’t there dinosaurs back then? Just like we have dogs now.
Ricky: He has been watching The Flintstones. You know cavemen didn’t mix concrete in a pelican?
Karl: I just think that there must have been a crossover point.
Ricky Why do you think there must have been a crossover point?
Karl: Because if nothing was knocking about at any point, how did anything carry on?
Ricky: I know, exactly. Why didn’t Hitler meet Nero? It’s weird, there must have been a crossover, they must have met at a party somewhere. I mean are you telling me that Ken Dodd has never met Genghis Khan? They must have bumped into each other, I can’t believe it!
Karl: Oh forget it.
‘D’you know what, I’m sure summit’s died in here.’
Karl: D’you know how you don’t believe in scary stuff, like ghosts?
Ricky: I believe in scary stuff. I don’t believe in anything totally illogical.
Karl: Vampires?
Ricky: No. Anything made up by man.
Karl: Well there was summit in the paper the other day about a vampire, how they found one. They dug summit up, found a body in a coffin with a bit of wood through its heart and a knife in its mouth.
Ricky: It was a vampire pirate?
Steve: That’s definitely proof of a vampire, of course, and not just some grotesque murder. That’s definitely proof of a vampire. As far as I’m aware when you’ve put the stake through the heart they just turn into dust.
Ricky: And all their victims get their lives back.
Karl: Right and there was a second bit. Somebody had dug it up, got the heart, blended it, burnt it, popped it in some water, drank it and they’re in prison now. Now if it wasn’t dodgy stuff why are they in prison?
Ricky: Because they’re mental. Because they dug up a body, liquidised its heart, burnt it and drank it.
Both: That’s why they’re in prison!
Karl: But anyway I met Derek Acorah the other week, right.
Steve: Is he a medium that can contact the dead? Is that right?
Karl: Yeah, he just chats to ’em and that. Passes messages on.
Steve: Nice of him.
Karl: So I said, ‘Tell us summit a bit weird and that.’ So he said, ‘What do you want to know?’ and I said, ‘Just summit weird.’ So he goes, ‘Alright then, here’s one for you. There’s this pub out in the country and there’s this mug.’ You know them old mugs that they have, where they used to leave their own cup knocking about, a tankard thing. So there was one of them mugs in there right, and everybody …
Steve: Tankard, let’s call it a tankard.
Karl: Tankard, yeah.
Ricky: ’Cos you’re the only mug in this story.
Karl: So this tankard’s knocking about, right, and everyone who’s running the pub keeps going, ‘Oh I wish they’d stop leaving this tankard about’ right and they pick it up …
Steve: It must be a pain, having a small tankard in a pub – that must be a real grind.
Karl: So they picked it up and they said, ‘We’ll have to wash that’ and they popped it on a different sideboard. Next thing you know, that person who’s touched it died.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: So they kept getting new staff and they thought ‘What’s the connection here?’, right.
Steve and Ricky laugh.
Karl: So someone notices, and they go, ‘Yeah, it’s a bit weird. It’s that cup, right.’
Steve: Tankard.
Karl: ‘It’s that tankard’ and that. So they get a vicar in and they go, ‘Look, there’s a lot of weird stuff going on here. This tankard – every time someone touches it, they die.’ So he said, ‘Leave it with me.’ He gets his special water out, he comes round, does a little prayer, sprinkles it. He goes, ‘Right, not a problem, don’t worry about it.’ And he picks it up and chucks it in the bin. Guess what …
Ricky: What?
Karl: He dies in a crash on the way home. Because he
picked it up.
Ricky: But Karl, you’re telling me this like it’s fact.
Karl: Derek Acorah, he told me.
Ricky: But Karl, I have no opinion of that story, other than I am pretty sure there was absolutely no connection between touching the tankard and him dying. That’s all I am sure of. I’m not gonna even contest the chain of events. All I’m saying is: there is no connection possible because I believe in logic and the laws of the universe. So when you’re telling me about miracles and strange things you may as well be telling me about the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. It’s absolutely ludicrous.
Karl: