The World of Karl Pilkington. Karl Pilkington
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Karl: I mean I watch it, I like those little trial bits, right, but what I don’t think people realise is, right, it is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.
Steve: Really, how do you know?
Karl: No, it’s just, you think about it and you go, ‘Oh I couldn’t do that,’ but what they never mention on the TV programme – which I think takes it to the next level, right – is that they’re eating that stuff at, like, half past seven in the morning – which is worse, innit? If I was there and Ant and Dec said, ‘Right Karl, eat the knob’ I’d go, ‘Hang on a minute. Give us a few hours. Let me get some rice and that in me belly and just sort of fill myself up a little bit more. I’ll pop back at about half six this evening – have it ready.’ And I’d be happier then.
Steve: You don’t want to eat animals’ private parts on an empty stomach?
Ricky: So what are you saying?
Karl: I’m saying I could eat a knob at night.
Ricky: Just cut that there. We’ll loop that. If any DJs are listening, just take that quote ‘I could eat a knob at night’ by Karl Pilkington and maybe do a dance remix.
Steve: Yes, maybe you are a house music producer and you could maybe get some high energy beat going and then we could send that out to some of the gay clubs. I’m sure it would be really popular.
Karl: No, but d’you know what I mean though?
Ricky: I could not do it. I couldn’t pop a kangaroo testicle in my mouth and chew it. It was disgusting to watch. Good on them because they were doing it but then again I think, ‘Well, they wanted to go in there.’ On the one hand I think, ‘Is that admirable? Is that showing good British mettle or is it “I’ll do anything to get on telly for a week?”’ Where does it stop? I thought Rebecca Loos went too far when she gave the little pig a tug, but at least she knew where to stop.
Steve: I think it’s obvious when you have to stop – the pig tells you that.
Ricky: Where is there a kangaroo hopping around without a cock?
Karl: Here’s another question right – a bit of a spin off with animals and that. Have you ever, Steve, killed a fly?
Steve: Probably, yes.
Karl: Right. Well I was watching David Attenborough, right. He makes his money out of flies and that, don’t he. D’you think he’s ever killed one, or does he go, ‘Well I can’t kill that fly or that spider ’cos that’s how I make my money’?
Ricky: I don’t know what the question is.
Karl: Right, me mam, right, she said, if a fly is knocking about the house, she never kills it. She always catches it and puts it out and that. She said she’d never kill one.
Ricky: Who is she, Mr Miyagi? What do you mean, ‘she catches it’? How does she catch it?
Steve: With a pair of chopsticks.
‘Let me just tell you the ending ...’
Karl: D’you know the other week when I came up with a different idea of how we can make the world run and that.
Steve: Can we just have a quick recap of that because I seem to remember it was a load of old arse.
Ricky: It was ridiculous. It was saying that the world is over-populated so we should have a system whereby people live until they are seventy-eight – I don’t know how you can enforce that – but when they die they’ve got a little baby in their stomach, like a pip in an apple, and the baby carries on when they die. It wasn’t a theory, it was the ramblings of a mental case.
Karl: Anyway listen, right, I’ve been thinking about it, right, and if we can’t do that, right, if it’s a ‘no’ to that idea …
Ricky: It is a ‘no’.
Karl: … Here’s another idea…
Ricky: Ooh, you could win the Nobel prize for this one …
Karl: There is a lot of ways in’t there, in the world, that some creatures and that go about sort of moving on, if you know what I mean …
Ricky: Not really. Do you mean evolution?
Karl: Yes, on that David Attenborough programme he’s always showing, yeah, little insects and what they have got to do. And there was one about a wasp, right, that had to fly about, right, for ages, looking out for a certain type of spider, right.
Ricky: Which it lays its eggs in, correct.
Karl: It whizzes down, it lands on its back, so it’s got to get that right. I don’t think the spider’s up for anything, the spider isn’t even aware of this. It’s not going, ‘I’ve got to look out for a wasp’, even though all this has got to be perfect timing. So this wasp dived down right, sat on the back of this spider, it injects it or something, with a maggot or something, right – and then that maggot lives off the spider for a bit. The spider knows it’s got a maggot in it.
Ricky: No it doesn’t.
Karl: It does.
Ricky: No it doesn’t.
Karl: And it’s making a web for it. It goes, ‘I’ve got something to look after here now. I’ve got responsibilities.’ It makes a web, right. It sort of reverses into it and puts the maggot on the web. The maggot sort of clings on to the web, maggot eats the spider – and then it moves on. Now if I came up with that idea you’d say, ‘That’s never gonna happen.’
Ricky: Wake up! It’s not the fact that you came up with the idea for an old lady dying at seventy-eight with a baby growing in her – even though it’s nonsense, it’s no idea – it’s how could it be enforced. Even if scientists thought that was the best idea in the world how would they make it happen? Who’s gonna go, ‘That’s a good idea, we’ve never thought of that, get in Elsie. Elsie, we wanna try something …’
Karl: Who told the wasp to look out for that spider? To go on its back?
Ricky: What do you mean ‘Who told the wasp?’ – It’s evolution, it’s natural selection …
Karl: Yeah but say, like, we have a kid at the moment. You don’t just jump on the back of a woman and go ‘There you go love’ and then a baby pops out.
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