Are You the One for Me?. Barbara Angelis De
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philosophies that says:
YOU GET WHAT YOU THINK YOU DESERVE.
Not only do I believe this, but I have seen it manifest itself in my own life and the lives of thousands of people I have worked with. For many of us, the problem is that we don’t think we deserve a lot when it comes to love. This is the fourth way your emotional programming can affect your love life: it unconsciously tells you that you don’t deserve the love you consciously think you want.
I could write a whole book on self-esteem, but here’s the important point:
IF YOU WERE TOLD OR CONCLUDED THAT YOU WERE NOT LOVABLE AS A CHILD, YOU MAY HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME ATTRACTING LOVE.
As children we believe what our parents tell us, because we love them and because they are the only authorities we know. So if your parents told you you weren’t good enough, or smart enough, or likable enough, part of you believed them. Even if they didn’t actually use these words, but treated you in an unloving way, you probably still concluded that you were unlovable. When you grow up, you either attract people into your life who can’t love you, or mistreat you, or you have a difficult time finding partners at all.
The big problem with low self-esteem is that you may not even realize you aren’t being treated well in your relationships. People with self-esteem problems typically either make excuses for why their partner isn’t loving them enough or blame themselves for their partner’s behavior.
CASE#1
Craig, twenty-seven, is dating a woman who constantly breaks dates, shows up late or not at all, and doesn’t call to explain. It’s obvious to his friends that she doesn’t really care about Craig, but he doesn’t see it that way. ‘Patrice is just really busy,’ he insists. ‘She is dedicated to her career, and sometimes things come up at the last minute she needs to do.’ Craig grew up with a father who told him he would never amount to anything, and a silent mother who was afraid to interfere. Craig is used to being ignored and treated like he is unimportant, so Patrice’s behavior doesn’t seem strange to him.
DO YOU FEEL TOO GUILTY TO BE LOVABLE?
Sometimes it isn’t our parents’ influence that destroyed our self-esteem, but repressed feelings of guilt or shame we’ve been carrying with us since childhood.
IF YOU’VE DONE SOMETHING YOU HAVEN’T FORGIVEN YOURSELF FOR, OR FEEL IN SOME WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S PAIN, YOUR EMOTIONAL PROGRAMMING MIGHT HAVE CONCLUDED THAT YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE LOVED.
CASE#2
Joanie was a vivacious thirty-two-year-old nurse who couldn’t seem to meet men, let alone start a relationship. I was surprised to hear Joanie describe her lonely life, since she was so outgoing and attractive. ‘I don’t know what it is about me,’ she complained, ‘but no matter what I do, I can’t find someone to love. All of my friends are either married or have boyfriends. What’s wrong with me?’
As we worked to uncover her emotional programming, we came up against something from Joanie’s childhood that she had never connected with her vacant love life. Joanie had a younger sister named Stephanie who was born severely handicapped. As a young girl, Joanie remembered helping carry her little sister everywhere, because she couldn’t walk, and helping to feed her, because she couldn’t coordinate her limbs. Stephanie was confined to a wheelchair at age five, and eventu-ally was put into a home for children with special needs.
‘I remember lying in bed as a child next to Stephanie,’ Joanie reminisced, ‘and looking at her beautiful face. I couldn’t understand why God did this to my little sister. She was my only sibling—my parents didn’t have any children after that—and I felt like she was taken from me. Everyone used to tell me how lucky I was to be healthy, but that only made me feel more … well, I guess “guilty” is the right word. I felt guilty to be so normal when poor Steph was so damaged.’
Joanie broke down and cried tears of grief and love for her little sister. We talked about the decisions she had made as a child—that she didn’t deserve to be happy if Stephanie wasn’t happy, that she didn’t deserve to have a husband and a normal love life, since Stephanie would never be able to have one. Joanie hadn’t been aware of what a powerful affect her guilt had on her as an adult. Somehow her feelings translated into behavior that kept men away from her. She was emotionally programmed not to fall in love. Now that she was aware of the source of her pattern, Joanie could begin to heal her feelings of guilt and give herself permission to be twice as happy—one dose for herself, and one dose for Stephanie.
USING YOUR PAST TO CREATE A LOVING FUTURE
I’m sure you have been able to relate to some if not many parts of this chapter. Don’t be surprised if your personal experience is a combination of several things: Maybe you concluded that you’ve been ‘going home’ by choosing partners who don’t make you feel special, because that’s what your childhood was like, and have been falling in love with men or women just like Mom or Dad in order to rescue them. You may even have to read this chapter over several times before you can digest all of the information it contains. Here are some suggestions that will help:
This chapter is titled ‘Why We Choose the People We love.’ We’ve talked about emotional programming, completing childhood business, trying to rescue Mom or Dad, and other unhealthy motivators for choosing a mate.
But what about healthy reasons for falling in love? Don’t they exist? Is it possible to choose a partner because we simply love them? The answer, of course, is YES. That magical feeling of connection called ‘love’ can draw us to someone. What’s important to remember, however, is that even in the best of relationships, many unhealthy patterns may manifest themselves. For instance, you could be in a very happy relationship but notice that you have a tendency to try to fix your partner, or rebel against your mate’s demands for intimacy. These behaviors probably have their source in that emotional programming we discussed.
So if you are in a good relationship, and have discovered that some of the reasons you are together have to do with your emotional programming, don’t panic and think you need to break up or get divorced. Every relationship has some elements of healing in it, and there is nothing better than having a partner with whom you feel safe. You can work together to heal the wounded parts in each of you.
And if you are in a relationship you suspect is not healthy, read Chapter Eleven in this book to help you determine whether to stay in a relationship.
I know this can be a painful, though enlightening, chapter to read, and I’m proud of you for having had the courage to finish it! There is a wonderful quote by George Santayana:
‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’
None of us can ever fully escape from the influence of our past. I truly believe, however, that