Are You the One for Me?. Barbara Angelis De
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_________ WANTED: _________
Angry, unemployed control freak for long, demeaning relationship. Must be moody, manipulative, and an expert at making me tiptoe around in fear, because that’s what I like. The more you keep me guessing, the happier I’ll be. Men with ambition or a clean credit record need not apply. If you are looking for someone to love you no matter how unavailable and obnoxious you become, then I’m the girl for you. Chronic lateness and lying are real pluses. Don’t worry if you can’t get it up—I’ll pretend you’re normal and won’t ever complain. Call whenever you want to—after all, you’re the boss.
Here is Mitchell’s Love Choices summary list once more:
Drama queen
Controlling
Obsessive
Victim
Emotionally unstable
Immature
Sexually damaged
Here’s how Mitchell’s Emotional Want Ad might sound:
_________ WANTED: _________
Do you hate yourself? Do you hate the world? Do you like to blame everyone else for what’s gone wrong in your life? I’m looking for an immature, sexually damaged woman who will whine and complain twenty-four hours a day. Eating disorders, drug addiction, or other obsessions are definite pluses. You must be good at jumping out of moving cars, hanging up on me on the phone, and throwing temper tantrums in expensive restaurants. Hate being touched? Then you are perfect for me! If you call your parents less than once a day, don’t bother applying, because I’m not looking for a grown-up. Call me in the middle of the night, or better yet, at work during an important meeting. Don’t worry about interrupting—nothing is as important as you and your latest crisis.
Writing your Emotional Want Ad can be very confrontational, because it forces you to look at the message you’ve been giving out about the kind of partner you are willing to accept. But it is a powerful way to break your own negative programming by taking what has been unconscious and making it conscious.
DONT SKIP THIS EXERCISE, EVEN IF IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE. WORK ON YOUR WANT AD UNTIL IT IS SO STRONG THAT IT MAKES YOU LAUGH.
Here are a couple more samples written by some of the participants at my seminars:
Cynthia was married for thirty-two years before she divorced her husband. She wrote this want ad based on her list formulated from their relationship:
_________ WANTED: _________
Moody asshole who doesn’t know how to talk. Sign language O.K. I’m looking for a man to glue himself to the couch, watch sports day and night, and belch. The more boring you are, the more I like you. No need to shave or shower frequently. I like to be disgusted. Denial a must. Don’t ever admit that we have any problems. Erections not necessary.
Carl, thirty-six, keeps attracting women who don’t think he is good enough for them. Here is his want ad:
_________ WANTED: _________
I know you are out there. You: gorgeous, superficial, obsessed with money, cars, and being seen by the right people. Me: not good enough for you. Together we’ll be perfect. You’ll constantly put me down, and I’ll love it. I need a woman who will make me feel inadequate. Humiliation in public a big plus, especially around your friends. If you spend hours getting dressed and putting on makeup and haven’t read a book in years, you are just what I am looking for. Please call—I need you to make me feel worthless.
Francine, forty-three, has a history of attracting charming but cruel men. Here is her want ad:
_________ WANTED: _________
Hey There! Do you like hurting the one you love? Are you interested in a long, drawn-out, painful relationship fraught with multiple breakups and reconciliations? I’m looking for someone to make me miserable. I’m not picky; addictions welcome. Call any time day or night. My good night’s sleep is nothing compared to the pure pleasure of hearing from you. Your thoughtless impulse to call after an evening of drinking and whoring will be viewed as the ultimate in attentiveness and a compliment to my desirability as a woman. Hurry. There are many men even more troubled than yourself applying at this very moment.
Over the years I’ve helped thousands of people understand more about their relationships through making Love Choices Charts and Emotional Want Ads. Remember: We’re not looking at the positive qualities in your partners, but the pattern of negative or undesirable qualities.
LOCATING THE PERSISTENT, NEGATIVE PATTERNS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARD ELIMINATING THOSE PATTERNS.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMOTIONAL PROGRAMMING
Have you ever wondered:
As the saying goes, ‘If I’m so smart, how did I end up in such a dumb relationship?’
The answer lies in understanding why you’ve chosen the partners you have in your life.
WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’VE MADE THE LOVE CHOICES YOU HAVE, YOU WILL THEN BE FREE TO MAKE NEW AND BETTER LOVE CHOICES.
The rest of this chapter is dedicated to helping you gain insight into your relationship choices, past and present. As you read, remind yourself of your summary list of negative characteristics and your Emotional Want Ad. This will keep you focused on the particular issues you’d like to know more about.
As I said earlier, it is not by accident, nor by virtue of your bad luck that you’ve ended up with the partners you have. Rather, it is due to your emotional programming. Your emotional programming is simply a set of decisions and beliefs you made about yourself, others, and the world in general when you were growing up. Each day that you are alive, you collect experiences, and each experience helps you form decisions about yourself, about people, and about life. In the same way you would program a computer with basic information, so you program your mind with these beliefs. For the rest of your life this ‘program’ affects how you think and behave.
In other words, your life experiences cause you to make certain decisions about yourself and others. The combination of all of these decisions is your emotional programming, which in turn causes you to make certain love choices as an adult.
Life Experiences → Decisions → Emotional Programming → Love Choices
Here’s something else to be aware of: The majority of this emotional programming occurs when you are still very young. Psychologists estimate that: