CREATING THE LOVE YOU DESERVE

      I recently gave a public lecture to a large group of people, and as I was autographing books at the end of the evening, a young woman approached me with tears in her eyes. ‘I am so inspired by everything you said,’ she began. ‘I attended the seminar you and your boyfriend gave last month as well, and I just hope one day I am lucky enough to have a relationship as good as yours.’

      There was a line of about fifty people waiting to speak with me, and normally I would have thanked this woman and gone on to talk to the next person. But something made me stop and take her hands. ‘I want you to know something,’ I said, looking into her eyes. ‘I do feel very blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. But luck had nothing to do with it. I’ve made so many unhealthy love choices in my past. I’ve found men and tried to change them into who I wanted them to be. I’ve had partners I was totally incompatible with, and told myself it didn’t matter. I’ve loved men for all the wrong reasons. It’s not luck that is making this relationship work—I finally chose the right person, and together we’ve worked very hard to create the kind of closeness and harmony we have. And you can have the same thing in your life!’

      Perhaps you, too, have felt unlucky in love, and have lost the hope of having the kind of relationship you dream of. Or perhaps you do have someone special in your life but want to feel closer and more loving and aren’t quite sure how. I’m happy that you’ve found this book and have chosen to read it. I know it will help you find the power and wisdom that wait within you to guide your heart toward love that is healthy, joyous, and real.

      We all think we know what we want in a mate. We don’t want any unhealthy or negative qualities, just lots of great ones. So we get frustrated and disappointed when we end up in a relationship with someone different from, and usually much less wonderful than, our ideal.

      I’m sure you’ve read the ‘Personals’ in magazines and newspapers, those columns of ads where single people advertise for the kind of mate they would like to meet. If you had to write an Emotional Want Ad describing the kind of partner you were looking for, it would probably sound something like this:

       ^_________ WANTED: ^_________

       Attractive, sensitive, caring person for permanent relationship. Must be emotionally open, able to talk about feelings, unafraid of intimacy. Successful but not a workaholic, with a great sense of humor. Knows how to make me feel really loved and appreciated. If you are healthy, honest, faithful, and ready for a commitment, I’m the one for you!

      The truth is, if you had to match your Emotional Want Ads to the partners you have actually ended up with, they might read more like these:

       ^_________ WANTED: ^_________

       Self-absorbed, damaged loser who has lots of potential and is doing nothing with it. Must be immature, irresponsible, and lazy. Low sex drive a bonus. No skills, background, or success required. If you are looking for someone to make empty promises to and like to blame others for your failures, call me now. Note: Men with jobs need not apply.

       ^_________ WANTED: ^_________

       Are you married? Engaged? Unable to make a commitment? Then I’m the woman for you. I’m looking for an unavailable man for a long, painful, and frustrating relationship. No time or energy required. I’ll do all the work. Call anytime, day or night; I’ll be waiting. If you like being dishonest, stringing me along, and thinking only about yourself, you’re my type of guy.

      Obviously none of us would ever write ads like these last two or even agree to accept these kinds of relationships into our lives. And yet, we often end up with partners who fit these descriptions.

      This chapter is designed to help you understand why you have chosen the partners you’ve been with, or the one you are with now.

      CHARTING YOUR LOVE CHOICES

      The following exercise will give you an overview of the relationships you have been in. I’ve taught this process for years in my seminars, and it is always an eye-opener for each person who does it. Note: This is one of the most important exercises you will learn in this book. Please read the instructions carefully, and take all the time you need to complete each portion.

      Here’s how it works:

      STEP 1 On a blank piece of paper, list the names of each partner you have had a significant relationship with, including the one you are with now. Don’t include someone you dated only a few times. Do include anyone to whom you were very emotionally attached. Leave space after each name so you have room to write. If you have had only one partner in your life, just put down that name.

      STEP 2 After each person’s name, make a list of their most negative qualities, those parts of their personality you dislike the most. Don’t write a whole sentence—rather, sum up the quality in a word or two. Example: Marcy’s boyfriend could never keep a job during their four years together. So Marcy should write ‘Jobless’ on her list. Do not list positive qualities.

      STEP 3 Once you have finished, read over all of your lists and circle any words or qualities that seem to repeat themselves from one person to another.

      STEP 4 Make a ‘summary list’ of those words or qualities you used more than once or that stood out to you.

      STEP 5 Take some time to think about your summary list and your individual lists. Ask yourself the following questions:

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