Are You the One for Me?. Barbara Angelis De
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takes hard work.
Love Myth 3
There Is Only One True Love in the World Who Is Right for You
There comes a time in every relationship when we ask ourselves this question:
‘Is he the one for me?’
or
‘Is she the one for me?’
Part of the problem we have answering this question is the phrase ‘the one.’ It assumes that for each person in the world, there is one and only one right partner, and we need to find that person or we will never be happy. No imposters will do, no imitations. We must make sure we have fallen in love with our real soulmate.
So when we are single, we walk through life suspiciously scrutinizing each potential partner, cataloging every flaw as evidence that this is not ‘the one.’ The one would be a better dancer; the one wouldn’t have two children from a previous marriage; the one would be making more money; the one wouldn’t be ten pounds overweight. But in our attempt to avoid making a mistake and missing out on our one true love, we often deprive ourselves of experiencing truly wonderful relationships.
And when we are in a relationship, especially during rough times, we secretly ask ourselves, ‘I wonder if ______ is really my perfect mate? I wonder if there is someone else out there somewhere who I would be happier with?’
Here are the consequences of believing Love Myth #3:
1 You compare your partner to your fantasy picture of ‘the one’ and miss out on appreciating their uniqueness.
Tammy was a very attractive, outgoing thirty-four-year-old flight attendant who came to one of my seminars in hopes of figuring out why she couldn’t develop a serious relationship with a man. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me,’ she began, ‘but all of my friends are either married or engaged or at least in love, and I can’t seem to find anyone who’s right for me.’
‘Do you date a lot?’ I asked.
‘That’s just it—I meet guys all the time who are interested in me, and at first I feel really enthusiastic about them. But within a month or two I get turned off and stop seeing them. Last year I thought I’d finally found someone I could really spend my life with. We went together for eight months. And for the first four or five, everything was perfect. But then little things about him started to bother me, and for the last few months of our relationship we fought all the time until I finally broke it off.’
As I talked more with Tammy, I discovered that she thought a relationship was working only when things were ‘perfect,’ and to her ‘perfect’ meant no conflict, no differences, and most important, nothing about her partner she didn’t like. Tammy had grown up believing in Love Myth #3, that somewhere out there in the world, this ‘perfect’ man was waiting for her, and that he and only he would make her happy. So at the first sign of challenge in her relationships, she bailed out, unconsciously comparing her boyfriends with Mr. Perfect. Naturally, they all flunked the test. And in the process she never had an opportunity to truly appreciate the individual she was with and to fall in love with him.
I worked with Tammy to help her understand the origin of her fantasy picture of men and how it prevented her from having any real relationships. Three months later she wrote me a letter to let me know she was dating her old boyfriend again. ‘I can’t believe how different it feels,’ she marveled. ‘He is the same person, but I’ve stopped expecting him to be perfect, and it’s making it so much easier to love him as he is.’
2. It prevents you from being open to a new relationship after one has ended.
The second problem with believing Love Myth #3 is that it can inhibit you from starting over again after the relationship you hoped would last a lifetime ends through breakup, divorce, or death. If you really believe in one true love, and you lose that person, you are left facing the rest of your life with a lonely heart, sure that no one could replace your mate.
Several years ago, I met a woman through a mutual friend I’ll call Doris. Doris was sixty-one years old at the time and had been widowed for two years after almost forty years of marriage. Her husband had fought a long battle with cancer, and Doris had spent the past few years adjusting to life without him. Now, her family and friends were encouraging her to date again, but she was resistant and reluctant.
‘I had the love of my life,’ she explained to me over lunch. ‘We had many wonderful years together. Why should I run around trying to find someone who doesn’t exist to replace my husband? You only get one true love like that in a lifetime.’
I explained to Doris that a new partner would never replace her deceased husband but would offer her an opportunity to experience a totally different relationship. ‘I don’t know,’ Doris said hesitantly. ‘I think I’m too old for that kind of thing.’
Six months passed, and I received a phone call from Doris. ‘I think I need some help!’ she begged. Doris had met a sixty-four-year-old gentleman named Saul through a charity she was involved with. Saul had been divorced for fifteen years but had never found a partner he wanted to share the rest of his life with, until Doris. ‘He’s crazy about me!’ Doris explained. ‘And the scary part is, I think I’m crazy about him, too. We’ve been seeing each other for four months. At first I thought of him as an escort or companion to social engagements, but lately I can’t stand to be without him. Now he’s talking about marriage, and when he brings up the subject, I feel like I can’t breathe. I keep thinking about how different this relationship is from my marriage, and feeling like I already have a husband, so what am I doing with him?’
‘You’re loving him,’ I answered with a smile, ‘not in the same exact way you loved your husband, but in a new and different way. That’s what is so wonderful about love—you can experience it in so many different expressions.’
‘You mean it is okay for me to love him?’ Doris asked sheepishly.
‘It’s okay, Doris,’ I reassured her.
Two months later, Doris and Saul were married. They are gloriously happy together, and from time to time Doris calls to tell me how she is doing. ‘I can’t get over this relationship!’ she always says. ‘I loved my first husband so much, but I love Saul just as much, only in different ways. Who would have thought a grandmother would get a second chance!’
Doris almost missed out on a wonderful life with Saul by believing in Love Myth #3, that there is only one true love.
THERE ARE MANY RIGHT PARTNERS FOR YOU
The love reality for Love Myth #3 is:
IT IS POSSIBLE TO EXPERIENCE TRUE LOVE WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON—THERE ARE MANY POTENTIAL PARTNERS YOU COULD BE HAPPY WITH.
I can’t tell you that there are X number of potential partners for each of us roaming around the earth, but I do know that the possibilities of your experiencing happiness in love are not limited to one person. I know from my own experience that the human heart has a tremendous capacity for loving, and that we limit the amount of love we allow ourselves to enjoy because of the Love Myths we believe. I believe that if you selected just about any two people in the world and stranded them alone on a deserted island for the rest of their lives, they would probably become romantic partners. While this may not be your romantic fantasy, it illustrates the point that the act of loving itself is inherently so enjoyable, that if given the opportunity we find ways to love people we thought we couldn’t.
Each true love we have stretches our heart in a different direction, and each relationship serves us in a different way. Does this mean that it really doesn’t matter who you are with? Of course not—in fact, it makes the issue of compatibility even more important. Finding a partner with whom you are compatible, as well as one