1. The Adjutant’s Madness

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      Military “crime” is not crime at all, as we law-abiding citizens recognize it.

      The outbreak in the Anchester Regiment was not a very serious affair; from what I can gather, it mostly took the form of breaking out of barracks after “lights out.”

      But, explained Smithy, it got a bit too thick, and one of the consequences was that the guard was doubled, pickets were strengthened, and the ranks of the regimental military police were, as a temporary measure, considerably augmented. I explain this for the benefit of my military readers, who may wonder how it was that both Smithy and Nobby Clark happened to be together on Number One post on the night of The Adjutant’s Madness.

      “I was tellin’ the troops only the other night,” said Smithy, “what would ‘appen if they didn’t give over actin’ the billy goat.

      “‘Some of you bloomin’ recruits,’ I sez, ‘think you’re doin’ somethin’ very wonderful, climbin’ over the wall, an’ goin’ into town when you ought to be in bed asleep; but it’s the likes of me, an’ Nobby, and ‘Appy Johnson, chaps with twelve years’ service, who’s got to suffer. I’ll bet you old Uncle Bill will start doublin’ the guard tomorrer.’

      “‘Don’t be down ‘arted; Nobby sez; ‘take a brighter view of life, Smithy.’

      “Sure enough, next day it came out in orders that the guard was to be doubled, an’ me an’ Nobby was for it.

      “When we mounted guard, the Adjutant, old Umferville, came over an’ inspected us.

      “‘Who’s first relief on Number One post?’ ‘e sez.

      “‘Clark an’ Smith, sir,’ sez the sergeant.

      “‘I don’t want you chaps to make too much noise walkin’ about, or shoutin’,’ sez the Adjutant, an’ I’m blowed if ‘is face wasn’t as red as a piller-box.

      “‘What’s the matter with Uncle Bill?’ sez Nobby, as we was marchin’ off.

      “‘I believe ‘e’s frightened about somethin’,’ I sez, puzzled.

      “Number One post is between the back of the Adjutant’s ‘ouse and the wall where the chaps nip over. It used to be the Colonel’s ‘ouse; but when Uncle Bill got married a couple of years ago, the Colonel generously ‘anded it over, an’ took an ‘ouse in town that wasn’t so damp.

      “It was the most excitin’ guard me an’ Nobby ever did, an’ it was all through Uncle Bill. You never saw such goin’s on in your life. ‘E dodged in an’ out of ‘is ‘ouse all day long. ‘E’d start to walk across the square, then stop, as if ‘e’d forgot something, then walk