THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace
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I said irritably. Smithy smiled in a superior way.
“The other day,” he went on, without taking further notice of my interruption, “we ‘ad a lecture; Uncle Bill it was, the chap that ‘ad the motorcar. ‘Company will parade at 11 a.m. in “B” Company’s barrackroom for a lecture on military manners, by Captain Umfreville.’
“We all like lectures,” explained Smithy; “you can sit down to ‘em, an’ there’s generally a fire in the room. Well, Uncle Bill starts off with a long yarn about a new Army Order, sayin’ that chaps must not lose their tempers with other chaps; they ought to be polite an’ kind an’ courteous, an’ he finishes up by sayin’ he hoped he’d see an improvement in the company, that before we let our angry passions rise we ought to count twenty.
“After lecture we all goes over to the canteen; me an’ Nobby Clark an’ Spud Murphy an’ Ugly Johnson.
All the chaps was talkin’ about Uncle Bill’s lecture, an’ a chap of the ‘G’ Company says they’s bin havin’ a lecture too, about losin’ your temper, in fact, the whole bloomin’ regiment was lectured on it.
“We take it in turns to buy beer,” explained Smithy; “this day it happened to be Spud’s turn, but he seemed to forget it.
“‘Pardon me, Spud,’ sez Nobby, as polite as you please, ‘talkin’ about beer—’
“‘I wasn’t talkin’ about beer, dear friend,’ sez Spud, liftin’ his cap.
“‘Well,’ sez Nobby, tryin’ to smile in a friendly manner, ‘suppose you talk about it — comrade?’
“Nobby nearly choked sayin ‘Comrade,’ owin’ to his hatin’ Spud Murphy worse than poison.
“So Spud shuts his eyes an’ makes a noise like a chap thinkin’. ‘Um — m — ah — oh, yus,’ et cet’ra, whilst me an’ the other chaps stood gaspin’ for a drink.
“‘When you’ve done makin’ faces,’ sez Nobby, gettin’ red in the face, ‘p’raps, gallant comrade, you’ll buy some beer.’
“‘It ain’t my turn, dear Nobby,’ sez Spud, as bold as brass.
“Nobby sort of went blue.
“‘Not your turn!’ ‘e sez in an ‘usky voice, ‘not your turn — gallant soldier; not your bloomin’ turn — brother?’
“‘No,’ sez Spud shortly; ‘I bought it yesterday — comrade.’
“Nobby looks round at all the chaps who was watchin’ ‘im be polite to Spud, an’ sez: —
“‘Bought it yesterday — comrade? Why, you funnyfaced perisher, it was Me wot bought it yesterday!’
“‘Be polite,’ sez Spud; ‘don’t lose your temper,’ ‘e sez ‘or you’ll be gettin. what you’re askin’ for,’ ‘e sez.
“‘Wot’s that?’ sez Nobby, ‘beer, you daylight robber, you thievin’ recruit!’
“‘Wot you’re askin’ for — comrade,’ sez Spud, still tryin’ to be polite, ‘is a thick ear.’”
Smithy went on to a faithful recital of what Private Clark had said in response to this threat of personal violence.
For reasons purely private I suppress the lurid details.
“So at last Nobby paid for his own pint,” Smithy resumed, “and sat in a comer by hisself, countin’ twenty. For about a week after the barracks was like a Sunday school.
“The orderly sergeant comin’ round to warn chaps for duty was like a parson givin’ out notices just before the collection.
“‘Is Private Jordan here?’ sez the sergeant.
“‘Yes, Sergeant,’ sez Jerry Jordan.
“‘I regret that I must warn you for picket duty tomorrow evenin’.’
“‘Thank you kindly, Sergeant,’ sez Jerry, who’d made arrangements to take his girl out that night.
“‘Is Private Purser here?’
“‘Yes, Sergeant, at your service,’ sez Long Purser.
“‘It’s my painful duty to inform you that you must appear at company office tomorrow morning to answer the charge of not complying with an order.’
“‘Don’t mention it, Sergeant,’ said Purser.
“One night Nobby comes to me an’ sez, ‘Look ‘ere, Smithy, I’m about fed up with this countin’ business.’
“‘Are you, comrade?’ I sez.
“‘Not so much of the “comrade,”’ sez Nobby nastily; ‘I’m gettin’ tired of hearin’ Spud Murphy call me “ole friend” an’ “chummy” an’ “comrade,” an’ the very next time he comes snackin’ me, I’ll put him through the mill.’
“‘Will you, dear friend?’ sez I.
“‘Yes, I will, fat ‘ead,’ sez Nobby.
“Next day, me an’ Nobby bein’ orderly men, we went down to the cookhouse about four o’clock to draw the tea.
“Spud’s our cook; so Nobby sez to ‘im: —
“‘Ullo, greasy, wot’s the price of drippin’?’ Spud’s got a second-class certificate, so rather fancies hisself.
“‘Be a little more polite, Private Clark,’ ‘e sez in a loud voice so’s the sergeant-cook could hear.
“So Nobby sez something to him.
“‘Did you ‘ear that!’ sez Spud in an ‘orrified voice.
“So Nobby sez something else to ‘im.
“‘Don’t use that language in this clean cook’ouse.’ sez Spud loudly, but the sergeant didn’t take no notice. ‘I’m surprised at you, Private Clark, losin’ your temper like that.’
“So Nobby sez something else to ‘im.
“‘Say that again,’ sez Spud, takin’ off his coat.
“‘Count twenty,’ sez Nobby, with a sneer, ‘like I do.’
“‘Say that again,’ sez Spud, so Nobby did.”
Smithy paused to ruminate on that joyous memory.
“We got ’em apart at last, an’ the sergeant-cook fell-in four of us to put ’em both in the guardroom.
“Next morning they was both up at company office. an’ Uncle Bill sez, ‘Did you count twenty, Clark?’
“‘Yes, sir,’ sez Nobby, ‘five at a time,’ ‘e sez.
“‘I ought to send you before the Colonel,’ sez Uncle Bill, but I won’t; you’ll be both let orf with a caution.’”
“That was very sporting on the part of Umfreville,” I remarked in some surprise.
“Yes,” said Smithy, with a ghost of a smile. “Uncle Bill doesn’t like takin’ men before the Colonel.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Him an’ the Colonel ain’t on speaking terms,” explained Smithy naïvely.
5. The Umpire
Smithy sprawled lazily on the grassy cliff. A gentle breeze blew in from the south,