THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace
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“‘Are there two of you?’ ‘e sez.
“‘Yes, sir,’ sez me an’ Nobby, an’ e got very red an’ muttered somethin’ an’ walked off.
“We was talkin’ about it in the guardroom that night when we was drinkin’ our guard allowance — one pint a man, accordin’ to regulations. All the other chaps ‘ad noticed Uncle Bill’s strangeness, too.
“‘It’s drink,’ sez Nobby, shakin’ ‘is ‘ead. ‘Wot a pity to see a pore young chap go wrong, all for the sake of the cursed liquor — after you with that pot, Smithy.’
“‘You’ve ‘ad your whack, Nobby,’ I sez; ‘don’t come it on a pal.’
“‘Did I?’ sez Nobby. ‘I must ‘ave been thinkin’ of the Adjutant.’
“‘I think ‘es ‘aunted,’ sez a chap from ‘D’ — a young chap.
“‘‘Aunted!’ sez Nobby, scornful. ‘Why, there ain’t no ghosts after Christmas, fat’ead!’
“‘Never mind about Christmas,’ sez the young chap; ‘it’s my belief ‘es ‘aunted, there’s a spirit or somethin’ follerin’ ‘im about.’
‘Dry up,’ sez Nobby, shudderin’, for me an’ im was on the worst relief, ten to midnight, an’ four to six.
“When we mounted at ‘last post’ Nobby sez to me: —
“‘Do you think there’s anythin’ in that ghost idea, Smith?’
“‘No,’ I sez. ‘Still,’ I sez, ‘you never know.’
“‘What’s that?’ sez Nobby, pointin’ to a shadder movin’ along the wall. So I shouts
“‘‘Alt! — who goes there?’
“It turned out to be little Bobby Burns tryin’ to break out of barracks, an’ me an’ Nobby captured ‘im an’ shoved ‘im in the clink.
“Just before twelve me an’ Nobby was standin’ at ease, when we ‘eard a most ‘orrid groan. We jumps round with our ‘arts in our mouths, an’ there was the Adjutant in is overcoat an’ slippers.
“‘What the dickens are you starin’ at?’ ‘e sez.
“‘Beg pardon, sir,’ stammers Nobby, ‘I thought you was a ghost!’
“But the Adjutant didn’t seem to ‘ear what we said. ‘E just walks up an’ down mutterin’ to hisself. Bimeby ‘e sez, ‘Keep a sharp lookout, an’ don’t make too much noise — d’ye hear, you Clark ; d’ye ‘ear, you Smith?’ ‘e sez fiercely.
“‘Yes, sir,’ sez me an’ Nobby; an’ then the Adjutant went indoors.
“‘Drink,’ sez Nobby solemnly. ‘Let this be a warnin’ to you, Smithy.’
“When we come on duty again at four in the mornin’, the two chaps we relieved looked scared out of their lives. ‘I shall be bloomin’ glad when its daylight,’ sez one of ‘em; ‘we’ve ‘ad an ‘orrid time.’
“‘Ow so?’ sez Nobby.
“‘The Adjutant’s gone orf ‘is napper: mad, that’s wot ‘e is,’ sez the chap. ‘ ‘E’s bin walkin’ up an’ down talkin’ to ‘isself an’ moanin’ an’ chuckin’ ‘is arms about.’
“‘Nice thing, ain’t it?’ sez Nobby, after we was posted; ‘if you ask me — why, ‘ere the beggar comes again.’
“‘What shall we do?’ I sez.
“‘Wait till ‘e gets violent, then bang ‘im with the butt of your rifle.’
“‘You do it,’ I sez.
“‘No, you’d better do it, Smithy; you’re the oldest soldier!’
“Up comes Umferville, and I’ll take my oath there was tears in ‘is eyes.
“‘Sentry’ ‘e sez in a chokin’ voice, ‘challenge all persons approachin’ your post.’
“‘Yes, sir,’ sez me an’ Nobby.
“‘Don’t allow nobody to pass without challengin’, ‘ ‘e sez wildly, an’ then run back to ‘is ‘ouse like mad.
“‘Balmy,’ sez Nobby; ‘let’s go an’ tell the sergeant.’
“‘Better wait,’ I sez. So we waited.
“‘The beggar ‘ain’t bin to bed,’ sez Nobby after a bit, ‘there’s lights in all the rooms.’
“‘I wonder what ‘is missus thinks,’ I sez, an’ I felt sorry for Mrs. Umferville, who’s a lady bred an’ born.
“It wanted about an hour to daybreak when out rushes the Adjutant again an’ makes straight for us.
“‘‘Ere ‘e comes,’ I sez, liftin’ up the butt of my rifle. ‘Nobby, you’re evidence that I only ‘it ‘im to save your life,’ I sez.
“‘Your life!’ sez Nobby hastily.
“Up comes Umferville, sort of laughin’ an’ cryin’.
“‘Sentry,’ e sez, ‘wot about your orders?’
“‘Wot orders, sir?’ I sez.
“‘Some one’s come into barracks,’ ‘e sez excitedly, an’ you ‘aven’t challenged ‘im.’
“‘‘E ain’t passed ‘ere,’ sez me an’ Nobby together.
“‘Yes, ‘e ‘as,’ sez the Adjutant. ‘Listen’
“We listens.
“‘‘Ear anythin’?’ sez the Adjutant.
Suddenly Nobby lets out a yell.
“‘Guard, turn out,’ ‘e shouts, an’ out come the guard with a run.
“‘Wot’s up?’ sez the sergeant of the guard.
“‘Present arms!’ sez Nobby, ‘to the Adjutant’s new baby,’ ‘e sez.”
2. Military Motoring
“What’LL be the badge for that?” asked Smithy
We were talking of the new course of military motoring that is contemplated.
“Cross’ guns for marksman, cross’ flags for signaller, cross’ swords for instructor, cross’ choppers for pioneer,” mused Smithy.
“Cross pedestrians for military chauffeur,” said I humorously.
“Cross corpses, if I know anything about it,” said Smithy pessimistically. “Some of the chaps I know who are goin’ in for motorin’ I wouldn’t trust with a clockwork p’rambulator.”
“As you say,” I began. “There—”
“Let alone motorcars,” interrupted Smithy gloomily.
“Of course there are—”
“Let alone bloomin’ motorcars,” repeated Smithy, with a knowing nod of his head.
“I suppose,” he went on, “you don’t happen to know Spud Murphy, of ‘B’ — he’s doin’ duty now, but he used to be groom-of-the-chambers to Major What’s-his-name?”