THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace
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“Well, old Mouldy counts the cards, seven to the left an’ seven to the right.
“‘There’s a fair woman wot loves you,’ sez Mouldy.
“‘How fair?,’ I sez, thinkin’ of all the redhaired gals I know.
“‘Pretty fair,’ sez Mouldy, ‘you’re goin’ on a long journey acrorse the sea.’
WHAT NOBBY SAW
“‘Battersea?’ sez Nobby, who was lookin on.
“‘You shut up, Nobby,’ I sez, ‘go on, Mouldy.’
“‘Tho nine o’ spades,’ sez Mouldy, scowlin’ like anything at Nobby, ‘is a sign of death. You’ll hear of a friend dyin’. Not much ot a friend, either, but a ignorant chap with big feet,’ he sez.
“‘You leave my feet alone,’ sez Nobby.
“All the chaps used to come to Mouldy, an’ he was doin’ well. I could see Nobby didn’t like the way Mouldy was rakin’ in the iron, an’ one night, when me an’ a few chaps was in the canteen torkin’ about how teetotallers die when they get into a hot climate, Pug Williams came dashin’ in, lookin’ as white as a ghost.
“‘Nobby Clark’s took ill!’ he sez, an’ we rushes over to the barrackroom to find old Nobby sittin’ on his bed with a horrible stare in his eye.
“‘Wot’s up, Nobby?’ I sez, and just then Mouldy Turner comes in.
“‘I see,’ sez Nobby, in a moany sort of voice, ‘I see a public house.’
“‘You’vo seen too many public houses,’ sez Mouldy, hastily.
“‘The inside of a public house, sez Nobby.
“‘That’s the part I mean,’ sez Mouldy.
“‘I see a man with side whiskers an’ a big watch-chain,’ sez Nobby moanily; ‘he’s servin’ be’ind the counter, an’ there’s a redfaced gel with yeller hair a-countin’ money. Her name’s Gertie,’ sez Nobby, holding his for’ead. “Old Mouldy’s jaw dropped an’ he went white.
“‘Where’s my George? Where’s my soldier boy?’ moans Nobby, ‘that’s what she’s a-sayin’ of.’
“Mouldy’s face got red.
“‘Boys,’ sez Mouldy, in a scared voice, ‘old Nobby’s got second-sight; he’s a seein’ the pub I go to up in London an’ my young lady.’
“‘Where’s my brave soldier?’ sez Nobby, groanin’; ‘that’s what she’s a-sayin’ of; where is my brave soldier wot rescued the colonel at Paardeberg?’
“‘He’s a wnnderin’ now,’ sez Mouldy, blushin’.
“‘Let’s take him to the, hospital,’ sez Pug Williams, but just at that minuto Nobby sort of woke up.
“‘Where am I?’ he sez faintly.
“We told him what he’d been sayin’, an’ tried to persuade him to go to bed an’ sleep it off.
“The next day the news got about that Nobby was second-sighted, an’ when me and Nobby went to got our dinner pint all the chaps crowded round an’ asked him to give a performance.
“It appeared from what Nobby told ’em that he’d always been second-sighted, an’ when he was a kid he had to wear spectacles.
FORTUNES
“‘Can you tell fortunes, Nobby?’ sez Oatsey.
“‘I can with hands, sez Nobby, lookin’ at Mouldy; ‘not with cards. Cards,’ he sez, ‘is swindlin’.’
“Can you tell mine, Nobby?’ sez Pug Williams, holdin’ out hid hand.
“‘Certainly,’ sez Nobby, who’d known Pug all his life, an’ went to school with him.
“‘You was born under an unlucky star,’ sez Nobby, lookin’ at the hand.
“‘That’s quite right,’ sez Pug, qhite proud.
“‘At School you was always gettin’ into trouble,’ sez Nobby, who happened to know that Pug did six months at a truant school.
“‘That’s right!’ sez Pug, highly delighted.
“‘You’ve had a lot a trouble through a dark man,’ sez Nobby, knowin’ that Pug got forty-two days for knockin’ a nigger about, when the reg’ment was in India.
“‘Marvellous!’ sez Pug.
“From that day Nobby made money. Chaps used to come from every company to get their fortune told. Mouldy an’ his cards did no bus’ness at all.
“Nobby charged thruppence a hand, cash on the nail; fourpenco if he ‘ad to wait till pay day.
“For sixpence Nobby used to have a fit an’ see things. Sometimes two chaps would club together, an’ then Nobby would have two fits for ninepence.
“One day up comes Ugly Johnson, of ‘D.’
“‘I want you to tell my fortune, Nobby,’ he sez.
“‘Cross me hand with silver, pretty lady,’ sez Nobby.
“‘Don’t snack a chap about his face,’ sez Ugly, very fierce.
“‘No offence, Ugly,’ sez Nobby.
“‘And I ain’t go’in’ to cioss your bloomin’ hand with silver,’ sez Ugly, ‘‘cos I’ve only got three’apence.’
“‘That’ll do, sez Nobby, who never let a customer go.
“‘You’ve got a long life in front of you,’ sez Nobby, lookin’ at the hands.
“‘Ah,’ sez Ugly.
“‘You’ve ‘ad a stormy career in the past,’ sez Nobby, ‘but all will come right!’
“‘Ah,’ sez Ugly.
“‘You’ve been crorsed in love,’ sez Nobby.
“‘That’s a lie,’ sez Ugly.
“‘So it is,’ sez Nobby, lookin’ close at Ugly’s paw, ‘wot I thought was the crorsed-in-love line is only dirt. You’ve got a sensitive ‘art, you think everybody’s passin’ remarks about your face,’ sez Nobby.
SPIRITS
“‘Never mind about my face,’ snarls Ugly.
“‘I don’t mind it,’ sez Nobby, ‘even if other people do,’ he sez.
“Well, old Ugly got mad an’ went round puttin’ it about that Nobby couldn’t tell fortunes for nuts, and Mouldy sez that Nobby was tellin’ a lot of lies an’ makin’ fun of the chaps, an’ business began to fall orf.
“One afternoon Nobby sez to me, ‘Smithy, trade’s bad.’
“‘Is it?’ I sez.
“‘Yes,’ he sez, ‘it’s about time I had another fit.’
“‘Have it now,’ I sez, ‘don’t mind me.’
“That night, when we was all cleanin’ up for commondin’ officer’s parade, an’ the barrackroom was full, Nobby suddenly stood up, moanin’ like anything.
“‘I see!’ he sez starin’ about him, ‘a man with a ugly mug. ‘E’s a-standing’ on the blink — I mean brink of destruction.’
“We all walks over an’ looks