THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace
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“Nobby looks round, an’ so did the audience.
“‘Catch this tanner, Nobby,’ an’ Cokey threw a sixpence.
“Nobby ‘adn’t got the face to catch it, so it fell on the ‘ead of a young militia officer in the stalls.
“‘Turn ‘im out!’ shouts everybody, an’ the villain on the stage lit another cigarette.
“‘It’s blank, blank!’ shouts Cokey, strugglin’ with a chucker-out.
“Well, the end of it was that old Cokey got seven days for usin’ horrible language in a public theatre and creatin’ a disturbance.
“Then it got about that the two words was what you’d say to a chap if you wanted to stand treat, an’ ‘arf a dozen fellers paid sixpence to say, ‘Drink up,’ ‘ ‘Ave another,’ an’ ‘What’s yours?’ but Nobby always said ‘Beer,’ an’ took their sixpences.
“They got fed up after a bit: Nobby ‘ad collected thirty-seven an’ six, an’ nobody managed to guess the words.
“‘Let’s see that paper, Nobby,’ sez Spud Murphy one night; ‘we’re tired of payin’ you tanners, and we’re goin’ to give the riddle up. What’s the words?’
“Nobby looked at me ‘an sort of considered.
“‘I’ll give you all another chance,’ ‘ e sez, ‘at ‘arf price.’
“But there was no takers.
“‘Let’s see the paper, Nobby,’ sez Mac, who’d spent two an’ six on five guesses.
“‘What paper? ‘ sez Nobby.
“‘The paper them words are on,’ sez Spud.
“Nobby thought a bit, then took the paper from ‘is pocket an’ broke the sealin’-wax.
“All the chaps crowded round when Nobby opened the paper, an’ looked over ‘is shoulder.
“‘Why, there’s nothin’ written on it at all!’ sez Spud Murphy, very indignant.
Nobby looked surprised.
“‘I must ‘ave forgotten to put ’em down,’ ‘e sez.
“‘‘Ere, Smithy, lend us a bit of pencil, an’ I’ll put ’em down now,’ ‘e sez.”
15. The New Rules
“You mustn’t think,” warned Smithy, “that soldiers are soft or silly, or easily got over, just because Nobby Clark’s got a way of takin’ ’em in.”
“Nobby’s got what I call an artful way, an’ there’s no doubt at all,” added Private Smith, impressively, “that what Nobby don’t know ain’t worth knowin’.
“We was havin’ a talk the other night about cricket. Well, everybody knows that ‘B’ Company is the worst cricket company in the regiment, an’ the other chaps was chaffin’ me an’ Nobby about it.
“‘Look ‘ere, Spud,’ sez Nobby, solemnly, ‘when you talk about us not knowin’ how to play cricket you’re only showin’ up your ignorance. It’s you that don’t know how to play cricket — real cricket.’
“‘How so, Nobby?’sez Spud.
“‘Why, sez Nobby, ‘you chaps don’t play accordin’ to the new military rules.’
“‘What new rules?’ sez Spud.
“So Nobby explained a few of the new rules for military players, an’ everybody was very surprised’ to hear ‘em.
“‘Where did you pick ’em up?’ sez Spud, suspiciously.
“‘When I was a referee,’ ‘e sez.
“‘You mean umpire,’ sez Spud.
“‘It’s called referee under the new rules,’ sez Nobby, calmly.
“‘It’s my belief,’ sez Spud Murphy, ‘you don’t know anything about the new rules.’
“Still,” explained Smithy, with an admiring wag of his head, “it was easy to see that a lot of chaps believed old Nohby — especially chaps of our company — when Nobby told ’em that if the game’d been played under proper rules they wouldn’t ‘ave lost a match last year, an’ the end of it was our company agreed to play ‘G’ — the best cricket company in the regiment — an’ Nobby offered to be referee.
“Spud Murphy wanted two referees, but Nobby said that wasn’t allowed under the new rules. So Spud. ‘ad to be content — although ‘e groused! like anything an refused to play for us.
“‘Let ‘im play for “G”,’ sez Nobby, and Spud was allowed to play for the other side.
“There was lots of bets on the game, an’ Spud made a bit of row because he ‘eard that Nobby was backin’ ‘B’ company very heavy.
“‘Umpires ain’t allowed to bet,’ sez Spud, an’ Nobby referred ‘im to the new rules. Spud went all over the town tryin’ to buy a book of the new rules, but couldn’t.
“Everybody went over to the cricket ground to see the match, an’ Nobby was there with a book under his arm.
“The other side won the toss, an’ Crawley an’ Spud Murphy was the first men in, an’ I could see Spud didn’t ‘arf like it.
“‘None of your larks, Nobby,’ sez Spud.
“‘Go on, my man,’ sez Nobby, very haughtily, ‘attend to your business, an’ don’t talk to the referee.’
“‘If you give me out,’ sez Spud, wettin’ ‘is hand, an’ catchin’ hold of the bat, ‘you just look out for yourself.’
“‘Out!’ sez Nobby.
“‘What for?’ roars Spud, an’ all the chaps come runnin’ up.
“‘I warn you off the field,’ sez Nobby, firmly, ‘for threatenin’ the referee.’
“There was an ‘orrible row, an’ one of the chaps went over an’ brought Corporal Mason, who’s a football referee, to decide it. ‘E come over ‘an said ‘e didn’t know anything about cricket, but if Spud insulted the referee, ‘e’d have to leave the field, which Spud did amid loud cheers from ‘B’ Company.
“In one way an’ another,” said Smithy, “Nobby got all the ‘G’ chaps out for eleven.
“Spiky Brown was put out for hittin’ a ball outside the boundary, old ‘Ampshire Giles got run out naturally, Billy Pain was out for makin’ remarks to the referee, two other chaps was out for hittin’ the ball with the wrong side of the bat, an’ the rest was out under one of Nobby’s new rules.
“Me an’ ‘Appy Johnson was the first to bat for our side, an’ Billy Pain was the bowler.
“The first ball I got I just managed to touch, an’ it” sort of glanced off my bat into Spud Murphy’s hands.
“How’s that?’ yells Spud.
“‘Not out!’ sez Nobby.
“‘It is out!’ roars Spud, indignantly.
“‘What did you want to ask me for?’ sez Nobby, ‘if you knew all about it? Go on with the game.’
“But they wouldn’t go on until Nobby explained the