THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace
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“Nobby hesitated for a bit an’ looks at the stumps, an’ then looks at me.
“‘How’s that!’ shouts ‘G’ Company, very wild.
“‘Out,’ sez Nobby, ‘quite out, by the rules of the game.’
“After this ‘G’ Company began to brighten up a bit; they could see there was something in Nobby’s rules after all.
“There was a bit of sensation in court, in a manner of speakin’, a few minutes after, when ‘Appy Johnson gave ‘is bat a swing backward an’ knocked the bails off.
“‘How’s that?’ shouts the wicket-keeper.
“‘Not out,’ sez Nobby, very prompt.
“‘Why not?’ shouts Spud Murphy, gettin’ red in the face. Nobby turns on ‘im sternly. ‘I’ve ‘ad to speak to you once before, young feller, an’ if I ‘ave any more cheek from you, I’ll deal severely with you.’
“‘But why ain’t ‘Appy out?’ sez Spud, very persistent.
“Nobby thought an’ thought, while everybody stood waitin’, an’ then, when ‘e couldn’t think of anything to say, ‘e sez: ‘I refuse to discuss the matter; go on with the game.’
“‘Appy got out after a bit by bein’ clean bowled, an’ although Nobby said it was a ‘no ball,’e allowed ‘Appy to go out, becos the other side was doin’ so badly.
“The game stood eleven all when our last man, Dusty Miller, went in, an’ the excitement was intense.
“Before the play atarted, Nobby goes up to Dusty an’ starts givin’ him tips.
“‘What you want to do, Dusty,’ sez Nobby,, ‘is to keep well in front of the wicket, an’ if you see the ball comin’ straight for the stumps, put your bat down so as it can’t get past. Get a bye if possible, because that’s easiest, an—’
“‘Ere!’ interrupts Spud Murphy, who was gettin’ quite vexed, ‘‘ere, Nobby, you’re the bloomin’ umpire; you ain’t allowed to give tips.’
“‘Ho! ain’t I?’ sez Nobby, indignant. ‘Ain’t allowed to give tips, when I’ve got four shillin’s on the game?’
“‘No,’ roars Spud.
“‘Proceed with the game,’ sez Nobby politely, ‘an’ keep your face closed, Mr. Murphy, if you please.’
“Dusty ciid very well,” commended Smithy. “All the balls that come straight for the wicket ‘e stopped, either with his bat or with his leg, an’ Nobby patted him on the back once and said ‘Bravo.’
“‘Then a nice slow ball come along, an’ Dusty, bein’ encouraged by what Nobby said, went ‘arf way down the pitch to meet it.
“‘E gave it such a sort of swingin’ roundabout cut an’ drove it be’ind ‘im.
“It would ‘ave got a boundary, only Nobby appeared to be standin’ in the way.
“The ball caught ‘im in the middle of the chest, an’ down dropped Nobby, blue in the face an’ gaspin’.
“We all gathered round, an’ Gus Ward, who was lookin’ on, gave Nobby some artificial — what-do-you-call-it? — sort of dumb-bell exercise for drownded people.
“Bimeby Nobby came round, an’ ‘e glares at Dusty.
“‘Are you ‘urt, Nobby?’ sez Dusty, anxious.
“‘Urt!’ gasps Nobby, faintly; ‘yes, I am,’ ‘e sez, ‘but you! — you’re “out” an’ warned orf the field by the new rules,’ ‘e sez.”
16. The Chef
“The thing about the Army, that’s the most curious,” said the informing Smithy, “is that you never know what a chap’s been before he enlisted.
“You see a smart-lookin’ chap, smart tunic, white belt, little boots, an’ a nice curl down over ‘is for-’ead, an’ you say to yourself, ‘That chap was a gentleman before ‘e enlisted, I’ll bet;’ but the chances are he was only a costermonger.
“Similarly you see a chap untidy, a chap who don’t like shavin’, an’ generally keeps hisself to hisself, an’ you put ‘im down as a corner boy, when the chances are he’s ‘ad a good education, an’ as likely as not ‘e’s been a chap like you — made ‘is livin’ by puttin’ bits in the paper.
“There’s quite a lot of respectable young fellers in the Army supposed to be single who dursen’t go near a work’ouse for fear ‘arf a dozen little ‘eads will pop over the wall an’ start shoutin’ ‘Father!’ an’ visa versa.
“I don’t trouble my ‘ead very much about what a chap’s been, although I’ve often wondered what Nobby was before ‘e enlisted.
“We ‘ad a bit of an argument about it the other day when Nobby was out, an’ Spud Murphy said he thought Nobby must ‘ave been somethin’ that gets money without work.
“‘I’ll bet,’ sez Spuds, ‘if you look on Nobby’s attestation paper you’ll see ‘im described as a “labourer,” like all chaps are that don’t like work.’
“Dusty Miller thought Nobby must ‘ave been a railway porter, because ‘e never gets pally with a chap unless ‘e’s got some money.
“At any rate,” said Smithy, with a faint grin, “the question was, in a manner of speaking settled, for a few days after Nobby was sent for to the orderly-room an’ paraded before the Adjutant.
“‘I see,’ sez the Adjutant, who was looking over Nobby’s papers, ‘that you describe yourself as a “cook” — is that right?’
“‘Yes, sir,’ sez Nobby, without battin’ an eye.
“‘What sort of a cook are you?’ says the Adjutant, lookin’ ‘ard at Nobby.
“‘Very good, sir,’ sez Nobby modestly.
“‘Well,’ sez the Adjutant, ‘we’re tryin’ a new system of messin’, so you can report yourself to the master cook for duty — you’re “B” Company’s cook.’
“There was tremendous excitement in ‘B’ when it got out that Nobby was the new cook. Spud Murphy went up an’ saw the Adjutant, an’ asked to be transferred to another company.
“‘I don’t want to say anything about Private Clark, sir,’ ‘e sez, ‘but I’m a very delikit eater, an’ Clark an’ me ain’t good friends.’
“All the chaps got round Nobby in the barrack room, an’ started firin’ questions at him.
“‘What are you going to make us, Nobby?’ they sez.
“‘Wait an’ see,’ sez Nobby, cautious.
“‘Are you a French cook, Nobby?’ sez Weary Thompson.
“‘A bit French,’ sez Nobby, ‘an’ a bit Spanish. I’m what you call a chef.’
“‘What’s that, Nobby?’
“‘That’s the bit of French I was tellin’ you about,’ sez ‘e.
“Nobby went into the town an’ bought a cookery book that tells you ‘ow to take stains out of silk dresses an’ ‘ow to clean old pictures, an’ started studyin’ this for all ‘e was worth.
“Nobby