THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace
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lightnin’.
“‘That won’t do,’ sez poor Cole. ‘Wot rhymes with “waken”?’
“‘Eggs an’ bacon,’ sez Nobby.
“‘That won’t do, either,’ sez poor old Cole, and goes on scribblin’ an’ scratchin’ out. Bimeby he sez:
“‘What rhymes with “bell”?’
“So Nobby tells him, an’ old Cole gets offended. ‘I’m writin’ to my gel,’ he sez, ‘an’ I can’t use that sort of language.’
“So he goes on writin’ an’ arskin’ advice an’ not takin’ it. He spends nights an’ nights writin’ a poem about love, an’ when his gel gets it, she thinks old Cole’s been drinkin’, an’ she don’t notice the words come in rhyme at the end of the lines till she’s read it twice — an’ then she thinks it’s an accident.”
Private Cole was evidently one of Smithy’s eligible, for an Institute of Restraint.
“Then there’s Yatesey — Yatesey of ‘C’ — he’s another of ‘em,” resumed Smithy indignantly; “no, Yatesey don’t write poetry, far from it. Yatesey is wot I call a dangerous lunatic. I don’t so much mind a chap wot writes poetry, or even a chap wot collects stamps an’ is always tryin’ to swap a blue Cape of Good Hope for a pink Channel Island, but Yatesey is worse.”
“Yatesey “ is Smithyesque for “Yates,” I may remark in passing.
“Yatesey’s got a bit of money wot his father sends him from time to time. Some weeks it’s a dollar, some weeks it’s a couple of shillin’s, just how the coke business happens to be.
“Yatesey wouldn’t be a bad chap if it wasn’t for his system.
“When Nobby Clark is short of money, he lures old Yatesey into the wet canteen and gets him to talk about it.
“‘I think I’d like you to talk about that system of yourn, Yatesey,’ sez Nobby — I tell you Nobby’s one of the artfullest chaps goin’—’I’ve got an idea I’d like to have it explained, I’ve got a little bit of money left me by an uncle wot went abroad.’
“Yatesey’s system is a sort of mixture. You back a first favourite for a shillin’ an’ if it don’t come orf you back a second favourite next day for two shillin’s, if that don’t come orf you back the third favourite the next day for four shillin’s, and by that time you’ve got no money left, so you can’t lose much money at it,” explained Smithy lucidly.
“Nobby comes to me one day an’ sez:
“‘I’m gettin’ fed up with this chap an’ his bloomin’ system. It’s no joke, Smithy, listenin’ for an hour about how Nazzems could beat Pretty Bertie if the distance wasn’t so far an’ the weights was different.’
“Yatesey,” explained Smithy, “used to sit down with a book of form an’ a ready reckoner, an’ work out how much money he’d make if he only had a startin’ capital of a hundred pounds, but he never used to do no bettin’ hisself till Nobby persuaded him. Some days he’d sit down with his little books an’ his pint of beer an’ buy a pub, an’ a dogcart, an’ marry a young lady in the High Street. Another day he’d go round the world on a motorcar, smokin’ shillin’ cigars; another day he’d buy his discharge an’ then go an’ give a bit of his mind to the sergeant-major, an’ drive out of barracks in his own carriage, throwin’ five-pound notes away out of the winder.
“I must say,” confessed Smithy, “his system looked all right on paper, but I found out afterwards that when it didn’t exactly work out he used to pretend to hisself that the horse he ought’ve backed accordin’ to his system was another one altogether.
“Well, to get back to Nobby
“‘Smithy,’ sez he, lookin’ round to see if nobody was listenin’, ‘Smithy, you’ve come into a tidy bit of money.’
“‘Have I?’ I sez.
“‘Yes’ he sez, ‘your grandmother’s left you a small fortune,’ he sez, with a wink.
“‘Go to!’ I sez.
“‘Wot’s more,’ sez Nobby, ‘you’re goin’ to make a book.’
“‘Wot sort of a book?’ I sez, puzzled, an’ then Nobby tells me, an’ next mornin’ when Yatesey comes along an’ slips a bit of paper into my hand with a couple of bob I thanked him kindly.
“‘Nonsuch, 2s. to win,’ sez the paper, so I gave a shillin’ to Nobby an’ kept one for myself an’ tore the paper up.
“Nobby comes up to me that night —
“‘It’s all right,’ he sez, ‘Nonsuch was a bad ninth,’ so we spent the two shillin’s.
“Next day Yatesey gives me another paper an’ our shillin’s.
“‘Sooner, 4s. to win,’ sez the paper, so me and Nobby divided the money.
“‘Sooner didn’t win,’ sez Nobby that night. ‘He stopped to scratch his ear an’ dead-heated with the starter.’ So we had a very pleasant evenin’.
“Old Yatesey looked a bit tired next mornin’, but he turned up with a bit of paper an’ eight shillin’s, an’ I shook hands with him, an’ Nobby called him a true sportsman.
“‘Pride of Devonshire, 8s. to win,’ sez the paper. So me an’ Nobby had four shillin’s each.”
Smithy helped himself to a fill of Craven.
“That night Nobby comes up lookin’ ill. ‘Pride of Devonshire won,’ he sez, ‘at ten to one,’ he sez.
“An’, sure enough, along comes old Yatesey, lookin’ as pleased as Punch.
“‘I’ll trouble you for four pound eight,’ he sez.
“‘Wait a bit, young feller,’ I sez sternly. ‘Saturday’s my settlin’ day,’ I sez, an’ Nobby chips in:
“‘I’m surprised at you, Yatesey, a true sportsman like you, come worryin’ Smithy for a paltry four quid,’ he sez, ‘it’d serve you right if Smithy wouldn’t bet with you again,’ he sez, and Yatesey begged pardon an’ hoped no offence was taken where none was meant.
“Me an’ Nobby went down town to think it out,” continued Smithy.
“‘Let’s give him back his eight shillin’s an’ owe him the rest,’ I sez; ‘tell him it was a joke.’
“Nobby was readin’ the sportin’ in the Evening News, an’ bimeby he gave a yell.
“‘Pride of Devonshire’s disqualified,’ he sez, ‘for borin’ an’ crossin’,’ he sez.
“So we spent the eight shillin’s and went back to barracks to break the news to Yatesey.
“Next mornin’ Yatesey didn’t turn up with his paper so me an’ Nobby went down to see him.
“‘No,’ sez Yatesey, ‘that system wasn’t much good — it don’t make no allowances for a horse bein’ disqualified,’ he sez. ‘I’m workin’ out a new system altogether.’
“‘When you’ve got it worked out,’ I sez, ‘let’s hear from you.’”
20. Back to Civil Life
Private Smith Talks Very Seriously
“It’s only nacheral,” said