Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk: A Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands. Bonnie Kaye
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“GET OVER IT”
Another problem that many women write to me about is the pressure they get from family members or friends to “get over it” when it comes to recovery from their marriages. They can’t understand why they are having such trouble doing this, and they feel even more inadequate (as if we need more to feel worse about) because it just isn’t happening as quickly as other people.
I get upset when I hear this pressure expressed from women who are really trying to move past their anger and hurt but not at the pace that others expect of them. After all, marriages fall apart all of the time. In fact, almost 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce. People start over again and find new relationships. Why are you having such a hard time?
What other people don’t realize is that there are numerous issues that we have to deal with after a marriage to a gay spouse ends. Some of these issues are unique and unlike those that women with straight husbands face. We have to figure out what to say to the children and when to tell them; we also have to decide what to tell family, friends, and co-workers. We live in a world where people still don’t understand about a gay husband and fear the ridicule we will face from them. There are many very ignorant people out there. Even in this day and age, people say, “What did you do to make him gay? After all, he wasn’t gay when he married you.”
We have to rebuild our own self-esteem, which has been sorely damaged through these marriages by not only feeling the failure of a marriage, but also wondering how much of a lie we were living. We have to rebuild our sense of trust within our own decision-making processes knowing that we walked blindly into a situation where we were so misled. Most of us have lost or never had the feeling of what real intimacy means in a relationship. We have difficulty trusting men again and trusting our own ability not to walk into this situation one more time. And this is a genuine fear that many women express—”It happened to me once. How do I know the next man I get involved with won’t be gay?” After all, why couldn’t we tell the first time around? This is confirmed by the ignorance of others who insist that we “must have known but married him anyway because we thought we could change him.”
There are other complications as well. There are those women who still feel some sense of responsibility for their husbands’ homosexuality. They are convinced that they played some part in their husbands turning to men.
That’s because some gay husbands are cruel enough to say that to them rather than take the responsibility for the truth.
We have to deal with our own feelings of homophobia. Even if we understood homosexuality in general terms, it took a whole new meaning when it entered our marriages and ruined our hopes and dreams for our futures with our husbands. We have to deal with our own feelings about our husbands bringing lovers into the lives of our children and how that will affect our children emotionally. We have to fear how other people will treat our children if they find out. And of course, we now have to contend with the possibility that our children will be gay because this is a new reality.
Certainly straight marriages that end go through emotional upset and turmoil. We have to go through those same problems, such as single parenthood, financial problems, selling the home, and legal tangles. But in addition, we are forced to deal with all the additional issues stated above. This is a double whammy that just doesn’t end when a marriage ends.
So, the next time someone tells you to “Get over it,” don’t feel that there’s something wrong with you. Just smile and say, “Someday I will.” Take the time that you need to rebuild your strength. Gay Spouse Recovery takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time. Eventually things will equal out, but some scars are bound to remain. And that’s okay. We are not machines that can just wipe away the emotional impact, nor should anyone tell you how you should feel after this disaster.
FACING OUR FEARS OF DEALING WITH A GAY HUSBAND
In my last newsletter, I promised that I would address the most common fears women have when they are finally able to accept that they are married to a gay man. These are the same fears I had when I learned about my husband. I think that the fear of the unknown is much more difficult to deal with than the truth. These questions are painful, but they need to be discussed to alleviate some of your irrational worries and help you understand your rational ones.
Q. If my husband is gay, will my children be gay?
A. It’s possible. I was scared for years. I believe that gay is genetic, not a choice or learned behavior, and I know that genes can be passed on to children. In the 1980’s as I met a greater number of families and started calculating multiple homosexual members of the immediate or extended family, I began to see a pattern that really alarmed me. No one wants to have a homosexual child. That is not a homophobic statement at all, but rather one based on a mother’s love for her child. We all know how difficult it is to be gay in our society, and we don’t want our children to have to face those hardships. However, recognizing that this was possible, I raised my children in an environment of positive feelings about homosexuality from a young age.
I corrected them when they would repeat derogatory statements they heard from friends, classmates, teachers, neighbors, and even television. I was honest about my friends who were openly gay and allowed them to serve as role models long before they knew about their father’s homosexuality. I emphasized that people had no choice in their sexuality any more than they had a choice in their color, height, or eye color. Just because people were different, it didn’t make them wrong or bad. I did this because I knew there was a greater chance of one or both of my children being gay because their father was gay. And, I later learned that my ex-husband’s father was “bisexual,” even though Michael had never met him because he was adopted by extended family members at birth.
As things turned out, our daughter, now 21, is a lesbian. When I discovered this two-and-a-half years ago, I cried. No matter how much you prepare yourself for this possibility, you still cry when it becomes a reality. And when I finished crying, I hugged her and told her that I didn’t care—and I don’t. My daughter told me that thanks to my attitude, she was able to accept who she was without running away from it and hiding like her father felt he had to do. She was comfortable with her sexuality. For that, I am grateful. I know all of the confusion and pain her father lived with for years trying to accepting himself. I assure you that my daughter will not be marrying some unsuspecting man to prove that she is straight. I feel good about that. Ironically, it was much easier for me to accept my daughter’s homosexuality than it was for her father to accept it. And, her father is extremely defensive and angry if I bring up the fact that this is genetic, as if I am blaming him. There is no blame here, nor do I hold him responsible. But I know there is a part of him that feels responsible even though there is no blame intended.
I have spoken to so many women who have experienced one or more of their children being gay or struggling with accepting their homosexuality. I know that it is heartbreaking, but don’t let this be a barrier between you and your child. By now you should understand that homosexuality is not a choice that anyone would consciously make. There are no choices when it comes to this. Love your child without letting this become an issue; otherwise you will both lose out. And in case this is a fear that becomes your reality as it did mine, stop the negative gay talk in front of your children lest they get the message that there is something wrong with them that will stop you from loving them if they are gay.
Q. Can my child’s sexuality be influenced if she/he spends time with his/her father and sees his lifestyle?
A. Absolutely not. Gay is not something that can be influenced when it comes to a person’s sexuality. No one can “become” gay by hanging around gay people. Sexuality does not “rub off” on children. It can influence their opinions in either a positive or negative way about homosexuality, but it doesn’t “turn them gay.” I find it so sad when I receive letters from time to time from women