Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk: A Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands. Bonnie Kaye
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love with our gay husbands because they were attentive, sensitive and compassionate.
Another statement she made was:
“I was a confident, fulfilled, happily married woman, wife and mother. He did have a secret life going on but it did not affect me, or how I was living. Not until he “came out” did our lives begin to change, and I sense that they will turn for the better, not for the worse, or the dissolving of our marriage.”
I am not quite sure what this means. To me, if a husband is having a secret life, how can it not affect you when the news comes out? I personally believe that this information means that the life you think you were living with someone is a lie. And not just a little fib, but a totally big lie. If a husband is having a secret life apart from you, regardless of the sexuality issue, how does this equate to something that will make your marriage turn for the better? If any of you understand this, please educate me—I’m a willing learner.
She then continues:
“I take it from this that you believe that there is simply NO WAY that you will support those trying to keep their marriages intact, you even say that you will REFUSE to support anyone, like us, who is determined to keep our marriage together, and that you will only give support and understanding to those that are dissolving their marriages. It seems as if you are an advocate for divorce instead of restoration. We are looking for restoration, not devastation.”
Well, yes, that is true. I just don’t know how in good conscience to give support to couples who want to keep these marriages together. I don’t know how to tell any woman that she has to try to understand that her husband will always on some level be attracted to other men. I don’t know how to advise women that no matter how hard they try to be good wives that this will never be enough to stop their husbands from wanting to have sex with men. I don’t know how to get women to erase from their minds and memories the information that they have come to learn, nor do I know why I should expect them to accept this as acceptable in a marriage based on trust between two people.
And I’m okay with this. I’ll take my chances keeping my points of view. I know that there are marriages that are coping through this situation for various reasons. They are staying together because it fits whatever needs are there. They can be for financial reasons, family reasons, or emotional reasons. And I am willing to give support to anyone who is in a marriage like this as long as they understand that I am not supporting the marriage—but rather her.
The women that I work with are in all different phases of their lives. Although the majority of women are divorced, some are still in their marriages. But those who are in them have no false illusions or hopes. They are there physically because of circumstances, but they are not there mentally or emotionally. I give them support so they do not get lost in an emotional blitz of unreality and denial. Some women just can’t make the break at the moment, but they don’t delude themselves into thinking that their marriages are working. They are working the marriage because at the moment, they need to for various reasons. They are wise to the fact that their marriages will never be what they need them to be, and they don’t try to make them into something that they can’t be. They know that when the right time arises, they will be able to physically leave as well.
Chances are, if you are married and part of my support network, you know exactly what I mean. Sometimes women are stuck in relationships due to various predicaments. I have a number of you whom I correspond with regularly who are there out of obligation because your husbands are ill and you can’t walk away. You are good women who have made a conscious decision to do what you have to for the time being until the opportunity comes when you can break free and live with your own conscience. But to encourage you to stay in your marriages by telling you to forgive your husband for marrying you knowing he was gay or to understand that he later came to terms with his homosexuality and it’s not a big deal, would be ludicrous. I won’t do it. I can’t do it.
As I advised this woman, there are people you can find who can accept this way of life. The Internet affords people the opportunity to search for magical answers and solutions that fit everyone’s needs if you search long and hard enough that I don’t give. There are couples who are living with homosexuality in their marriages and somehow coping with it and even accepting it. And there are all kinds of well meaning and professional people out there who will tell them they are doing the right thing. I am sure that Dr. Laura would advise couples to make their marriages work by telling the gay husband to hold off on acting on his sexual impulses until the children are grown. After all, it’s much better for children to be raised by two parents than one, which is not the way I feel when a marriage is just a functional marriage. I don’t know how gay men put aside their feelings for twenty years or so and not act on them, but if they can, more power to them. I’m sure there are men out there who are doing this even though I haven’t met them. And in all fairness, is this right thing to do to the wife? Give her a sense of false security that the marriage is workable until the children are grown and then say, “Well honey, the kids are grown and now it’s time for me to pursue my own life?” Now that the wife has invested years of her time building a marriage, she is faced with the same nightmare only at a later time when she has to start over and it’s more difficult because years of her life have been wasted in a relationship that is ending.
And one last comment that I’d like to share with you that offended this woman:
I resent being told that “Gay men do not belong married to straight women. Period.” How can you say that with such absoluteness, without knowing individual situations? This implies ALL, every single one. That none should be married. Period. How can you make such a definite, 100% claim?”
All I can say here is that I stand by my words. Gay men do not belong in marriages to straight women. Period. 100%.
WHEN THERE’S JUST NO PROOF
Every week, I receive numerous letters from women who are desperate to find “proof” that their husbands are “bisexual” or gay. On my website at www.Gayhusbands.com, I have a section called, “Catch Him.” It gives women the directions to check their computer’s temporary Internet files on line to see if there are any gay sites that their husbands are visiting. I also advise them to install inexpensive spyware to monitor all of their husbands’ activities. Some of these women write back to me after finding the evidence that they were so afraid of finding. At the same time, there is a great sense of relief because their suspicions were finally confirmed.
It’s interesting to see the various emotional reactions after women confront their husbands with their discoveries. Some rethink their immediate fears and write back to me saying that after questioning their husbands with the information, and they were made to secondguess their suspicions when their husbands give them a perfectly logical explanation as to how these websites appeared. Here are some of the most common explanations:
1. “He claims he has no clue how they got there. Someone else must have been using the computer.” In other words, there are gay men sneaking into your home and using your computer to go to gay pornographic websites right under your nose but you don’t notice it.
2. “A friend of his at work is having sexual identity problems. He asked my husband to do some research for him because he’s too embarrassed to do it himself.” This means that your husband must be an exceptional man if he is willing to help a gay man come to terms with his homosexuality by visiting numerous gay porno sites. Does this educate your husband so he can be an effective helper?
3. “My husband said that it is normal for men to look at all kinds of sexual sites. It doesn’t mean anything just because the sites are gay. It’s normal curiosity.” I still haven’t met the straight man yet who is sexually turned on by the site of men having sex. Curiosity may account for a one-time look, but not repeated visits.
4. “My husband said that just because he is looking at gay sites doesn’t mean that he is going to have sex with men.” So why isn’t he looking