Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk: A Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands. Bonnie Kaye
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and family members would spill into our home. He called as many as possible to invite them over with promises of good food (that I would have to prepare) and great conversation (that he would monopolize) There was too much danger in having a long period of quiet time together. That would mean that I might make the “demand” (in his head) or “suggestion” (in my head) for intimacy.
It became an all too familiar holiday pattern. Surround us with lots of people I couldn’t care less about, and in fact feel irritated by, to avoid my desperate pleas for affection, intimacy, and …..sex. And on those rare days when people just couldn’t make it over due to snow blizzards or other plans, you can be sure that was a day when an argument would ensue. The fight didn’t have to be over anything of importance—it just had to start and then build itself into a mountain. I’m sure that my husband realized that a molehill would have never stopped me from making a suggestion. But once things escalated into a mountain, they were too high to climb and usually left me sleeping on a couch or not sleeping at all while I cried.
Overdramatic? I don’t think so. When I recall some of the absurdities that went on in our marriage that I couldn’t understand, it finally makes sense. After speaking with thousands of women, this is often an emerging pattern. After it happens enough times, you retreat and take a giant step backwards. You know the drill. Ask for something that your husband doesn’t want you to ask for long enough, and you’ll just stop asking. It beats a fight or argument over nothing of importance, as well as the humiliation of being turned down again for wanting a normal, human need—namely intimacy. .
Somehow, the fantasies that had played over and over again in my head throughout my youth, adolescence, and early adulthood about home and the holidays just never happened. That’s why I became conditioned after the first few holidays not to get excited, not to see the beauty, not to feel the spirit, and most importantly, not to get my hopes up. That went for every holiday. I had to reshuffle my way of thinking about the song “No Place like Home for the Holidays.” I definitely knew that they were not talking about my home.
And so, my friends, if your holidays don’t meet up to your expectations of what they are supposed to be, don’t feel that it’s you. It’s not. It’s your situation. And if you are not in your marriage, don’t think that those feelings go away quickly—the memories of when you were in your marriage can linger on for many years to come. The good news is the feeling of excitement can return in time. If you meet your soul mate at a future point, you will understand the joy of watching the Big Apple fall down at midnight while he holds you close to him and starts the fireworks at midnight to celebrate your future year together. You’ll be able to turn off the television after the third verse of Auld Lang Syne and make your own music.
And even if you spend the night alone until you meet your soul mate, or if you never meet him, it won’t hurt nearly as much as spending it with someone who makes you feel as if you are the person who takes the joy out of the holiday because you are always hoping for something that he is just not willing or able to give you.
AND SPEAKING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS…
Speaking about the New Year…..I love the thought of a New Year coming in while an Old Year is going out. It’s a time to make resolutions for change. It’s a reminder that there is no time like the present to make some new resolutions that can resolve some of your problems. Most women are busily making plans to start a new diet or to stop smoking. Women with gay husbands can commit to making a new start free of the mental pressure that is wearing you down.
I always say that when you finally find the emotional and mental freedom, you are more than halfway to your goal. This is an excellent time to start planning your physical escape from your unhappy marriage. It’s not something that has to happen today or this month, but it is an opportunity to think about a better place that you can be in before another year passes by without any movement to happiness.
This is an opportunity to reflect back on your past years of marriage to your gay husband. If you are one of the nearly thousand of women receiving this newsletter, chances are you are living with conflict in your life. This is the best time of the year to start making a plan that will help you to reach your goal. For some of you, that may mean going back to school to learn skills that will make you financially independent. For others, it may mean joining a support group or finding a women’s group that will help you rebuild your self-esteem to give you the strength to do what you need to do. As long as you plan positive actions in your personal life, you will start to gain the strength that you need to make permanent positive changes in your life.
So, even though New Year’s Eve may normally be a painful night for you, look at it differently this year. Make a conscientious effort to stay up late and watch the Big Apple descend for the countdown. This year will be for you. View it with the optimism and hope that it is supposed to bring. Vow to make this a year of change—a better year for you and your children. Make a mental plan on how you are going to get there—and like with all resolutions, try to stick to it!
THE HONEYMOON REVISITED
I love happy endings to stories. With straight/gay marriages, some of you also have the advantage of having some happy middles of stories even if the endings are sad. Of course, these middle stories don’t last very long, but while they happen, it’s like having a second honeymoon.
I hear it from many women. The story is usually the same, so here goes a typical one that I received this week:
“Dear Bonnie,
It’s a miracle! After I confronted my husband with my suspicions about his being gay, he admitted to me that he had passing thoughts about men but would never act on them. And now, things are better than they’ve ever been. Now it’s just like when we were on our honeymoon—but even better. My husband is being very attentive to me and very considerate. For the first time in years, he is being affectionate to me. He is holding my hand in public and kissing me goodnight every night.
And now for the best part—my husband realizes that he is not gay.
He has approached me for sex for the first time in years. He is really doing everything to be the kind of husband that I knew he could be if he could just get those homosexual thoughts out of his head. Now I realize that we can move forward in our marriage with all of the bad times behind us.”
Most of the time, the letters end with, “You were wrong, Bonnie.” Sometimes, I’ll hear a more insightful thought from a woman saying, “I know that this is just a temporary stage, but I’ll take it for the moment!”
I do want to tell you that these honeymoons don’t last for long. Sometimes they’ll last a few weeks or even a few months. But as letters that come in later with humble apologies to me say, the “honeymoon revisited phase” is usually over within a short amount of time. You see, after the husbands lulls you into a false sense of security once again, he feels he has you back where he wants you and so his “Normal,” or shall we say, “Abnormal” patterns creep back slowly or sometimes quickly. But they always come back. I tell these women there is no need to apologize. I know how I used to hang on to any false hope that came my way no matter how quickly it whizzed past my eyes.
Why do our gay husbands revisit the honeymoon phase? Quite simple. They fear that you now suspect or know the truth about their homosexuality and they are determined to throw you off track and start doubting yourself. They are not ready to be honest, and so they buy time. They become affectionate, attentive, and start to give you unexpected gifts. They say they are willing to work on their “sexual dysfunction.” The claim they will go for marriage counseling, and in some cases, give it a try for a few weeks or months.
And you feel good. You start believing that your suspicion about the worst possible scenario is untrue. And all those little signs that you thought were leading you in that direction were really something else. Maybe it was just a curiosity phase. Maybe your husband was having problems from medications. Maybe he does have some gay tendencies, but maybe that’s from an extra chromosome or two that has been misplaced. Maybe he’s learned his lesson by realizing that you are going to leave your marriage if you find out that he’s doing his thing.
Then