Snap. Patti Wood
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when we can read someone’s emotions easily we are more comfortable around them — which puts introverts at a disadvantage when it comes to creating a good first impression. If you are a nice, quiet person who wonders why slick players and high-maintenance drama queens get all the attention, know that there is science behind this love for “madness at first sight.” Happy, healthy extroverts seem confident and expressive, which are things we like. Even extroverts who display red-flag warnings with their over-the-top, supersized gestures still make a great first impression. This expressiveness — at which the extrovert excels — may aid the few dangerous extroverts in their successful deception.
Introverts, on the other hand, who naturally pause to think before they speak, who talk softly, display fewer gestures and expressions, and make less eye contact, don’t fare as well on first blush. Introverts’ ways may appear to be signs of deception. We may wonder why they are so quiet, why they stumble over their words and make so little eye contact, and this may make us suspicious of them.4 Understanding these differences between introverts and extroverts can help you read and interact with them more effectively.
A person who demonstrates likability does so in person, online, and over the phone. You know it immediately. And, like credibility, likability is universally recognized. We can recognize likability in the first split second when we meet someone.
Likability includes, but is not exclusively about, commonality. We like people who are like us, but likability is more about personality, warmth, and friendliness. People who are likable turn and look at you. Like Debbie when she met Scott and Sharon, they open their bodies to you when they speak. Likability welcomes connection.
Amy went to her fiftieth (yes, fiftieth) high school reunion and remet a high school pal, Rob. It was love at first re-sight. They said they knew they were reunited soul mates. To introduce him to her friends, Amy had a dinner party. Imagine this strange new guy meeting Amy’s friends, many of whom had known her for thirty or more years and were highly protective of her.
Rob was at the door to meet Amy’s friends as they arrived, hugging them warmly. Throughout the evening he spent time with each one, leaning in to talk and in one case touching his listener on the arm to emphasize his emotional point. He obviously worried less about himself than connecting with each person. If something were between him and another — such as a sofa pillow on the couch or a vase of flowers on the table — he gently and subtly moved it out of the way. Rob spent time with Amy, too, as the evening progressed, but he also gave each of her friends his rapt attention. As they shared stories, his face and body language fully reflected their emotions. He laughed with them and sighed with them. At one especially emotional point in the evening, when stories of a loved one lost to AIDS were shared, he cried with them. Of course Amy’s friends all loved him.
What’s to Like? — Cues That Make You Likable
Several characteristics contribute to likability.
Moving toward: We go toward what we like and move away from what we don’t like. This is a foundation principle of body language, and it is related to our primal orienting reflex. Instinctually we move toward what we like, desire, or want, and move away from what we fear, distrust, or don’t like. You can move toward someone by stepping nearer to him or by simply tilting your head, upper body, or whole body in his direction. Leaning your body toward another says, “I’d like to be closer to you.” It also tests whether he will reply in kind. Think of how you pose for a photograph with another person or a group: everyone leans in. This is something we often do when we’re listening intensely, which is another way to show our particular interest in someone.
What do you think is the most honest portion of the body? Think about the part of the body under the least amount of conscious control, and the part of the body that is often first to change in response to stress. Did you guess the feet? The feet point to where the heart wants to go. When we are stressed, our feet may freeze in place, point away to flee, plant themselves far apart so that we can fight, or go out from under us as we faint. We stand with both feet toward the door to signal that we want to leave a conversation, or, more politely, we place one foot toward the speaker and one toward the exit in a subtle, little “please let me go” plea when we want to wave good-bye.
Opening windows: We have what I call “body windows,” which we seemingly open or close while interacting with others. Our feet, knees, pelvis, stomach, heart, neck, mouth, eyes, and palms are the body parts that act like open or closed windows, depending on how we orient them in relation to other people. Likable people tend to keep their windows open by orienting their body windows toward others, unfolding their limbs, and keeping barriers like desks, cups, drinking glasses, and purses from coming between them.
Reaching or pointing: Think of the trained hunting dogs who point their bodies toward prey so the hunter can find it. A person interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot or knee, cross his leg at the knee so his foot is facing toward you, reach a hand partway across the table, or point his face toward you. These are all signals that say, “I am focused on you.”
Eye focus: In this electronic age, with so many distractions, it feels great when you have someone’s full attention. They aren’t looking around the room, distracted by others, or glancing down at electronic devices. They look and listen until you have finished speaking.
Facial and auditory feedback: Clear, readable facial expressions and lots of them — smiling, brow furrowed in concentration, slow nodding — and perhaps small sounds like uh-huh and mmm show interest. These are examples of warm and/or enthusiastic, expressive paralanguage.
Matching: Subconsciously, people demonstrate their comfort with the people they talk to. When you reflect the other person back to him, he feels affirmed and that you are aligned with him. If you lean forward, he leans forward. If you cross your legs, he will cross his. If you reach out across the table, a comfortable person will demonstrate likability by doing the same. While seated at a table, he will move glassware, papers, and other objects out of the way so that nothing distances him from you. Conversely, a person who is ill at ease or lying will place things between the two of you — a purse, a coffee cup, a cell phone, or some other object.
Touch: It’s helpful to briefly touch the person you’re speaking to. I know what you’re thinking. “Are you crazy? I don’t want a stranger to think I am weird, or to have a new coworker charge me with sexual harassment!” Yes, in our current culture we fear all kinds of touch in initial interactions, and even handshaking has decreased significantly. But touch is powerful, and it works because nonthreatening touch positively affects our chemistry. A brief, nonthreatening, nonsexual touch can change how we feel in less than a fortieth of a second.
Match and Mirror
To establish commonality nonverbally, match the body posture and facial expression of the person you are speaking to, as well as her energy level, gestures, tone of voice, and even rate of speech and breath. Do this unobtrusively while maintaining eye contact. When you match another person, an interesting thing happens: you actually begin to feel what she is feeling. In addition, you communicate at the subconscious level: “Hey, I get it; I’m with you,” or “I want to understand you,” or “I’m not your enemy.”
Don’t mirror aggression. If someone stands over you and yells, with feet planted broadly, legs apart, and hands on hips, don’t jump up out of your chair and match this behavior. Instead, if it feels safe to do so, subtly come in at a level or two below her energy. Inject a little intensity into your voice as you say that you understand she’s upset. Express your interest and concern. Then slowly bring your volume down, slow your rate of speech, and relax your body. Your would-be opponent will likely slow down — and calm down — with you.
Touch is an essential element in our development and health, and a powerful way of communicating.5 I have been studying and conducting surveys on touch since my first graduate-school research paper on the subject, “Haptics (Touch) in Initial Interactions in Business Settings.” I even did research on touch in initial interactions in my role as Canada’s national spokesperson for Vaseline Intensive Care lotion. Over the