20 Something Manifesto. Christine Hassler
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GOALS VERSUS EXPECTATIONS
Let’s return to the twenty-something goals list that you created at the end of the “What’s Your Twenty?” exercise. What did you write down? Marriage, kids, a certain income, a profession? These are the things you want and plan to achieve in life. Your expectation is that as you succeed at certain goals, predictable results will follow that lead to everything you want. For example, graduating with honors from a good college leads to getting a good job, which leads to making more money, which leads to being able to support a family, which leads to having it all, which leads to happiness and success — or so we hope.
“It is harder for me to figure out what I really want in life because I feel so desensitized from the Hangover — from the results and goals that didn’t turn out how I expected.”
Business analyst, 29, on and off dating, New York
But what if we don’t get into that good college or make the grades we hoped, or we find that in real life our chosen profession is dull and boring — does that doom us to unhappiness and failure? Of course not. The first step in minimizing an Expectation Hangover is to distinguish a goal from an expectation. First, let’s turn to the dictionary. A goal is defined as “the end to which effort is directed,” while to expect is defined as “to anticipate or look forward to.” Notice that the definition of a goal involves action intended to achieve a tangible outcome. Whereas expectation is more of an emotion, one that waits to be fulfilled. Or, to put it another way, goals refer to things we can do, while expectations refer to what we desire or hope for. By working toward a goal, we engage in thoughtful, planned action, which often leads to success even if our ultimate goal (or desire) changes. However, to sit in expectation is to live inside our heads, waiting; we are stuck until our expectations are met, and when they aren’t, we feel more pressure and disappointment as time goes by. We identify goals whenever we say, “I want to,” while expectations are often prefaced by “I have to,” “I should,” or “I expect to.”
I find that twenty somethings are often not sure of what they really want, so they focus on what they believe is expected. Then they despair because these expectations, disguised as life goals and ambitions, seem so out of reach, so impossible. To move away from expectations, practice creating specific short-term goals. Keep in mind, even when our goals are reasonable, the devil’s in the details, in the steps to reach them.
“I am seeing that expecting too unrealistic goals and not being more specific or breaking big goals into smaller pieces in order to really conquer them contributed to the Hangover I experienced.”
Student, 20, engaged, Arkansas
CLARIFYING GOALS
A good way to create clarity between goals and expectations, and between lifelong ambitions and goals to focus on right now, is to write out a long list of everything you want to achieve without thinking about whether they are expectations or goals. Next, go through the list and circle anything that does not involve a specific, clear action step that you know how to realistically execute. For instance, “apply to law school” is a goal you have 100 percent control over reaching. “Get into law school” or “become a successful lawyer” are expectations. Similarly, “ask X for a date” or “put a profile on an internet dating site” are attainable goals right now. “Get married by twenty-eight” is an expectation. Anything you don’t circle can go on your short-term goals list.
Next, identify which of the items you circled on your list are expectations, and amend them into goals. Then, working backward, take any long-term life goals and create one action for each that you can accomplish and put it on your short-term goals list. For example, if you have an expectation to be wealthy, an attainable short-term goal you could create would be to open a savings account now. Remember, short-term goals can be very simple — there is nothing wrong with that. Creating an action plan of things you can do right now is empowering and gets you out of thinking in terms of expectations. In fact, setting attainable goals throughout your life will probably make you more successful, as they are self-driven and self-fulfilling. Stop playing the disempowering waiting game!
YOUR EXPECTATION OR MINE?
An important step in identifying and treating Expectation Hangovers is to understand whose expectations are creating pressure or confusion in your life. Are you suffering because you’ve disappointed yourself or someone else? Part of maturing is discerning the expectations of others from the goals you set for yourself. This is one of the main challenges for twenty somethings, and it’s the cause of much of the unhappiness they report.
As a twenty-seven-year-old shares: “I have lived the past several years fulfilling expectations (like getting married) I felt were being placed on me by my family. Their wishes and needs superseded my own, but now I feel trapped in this life that I half-willingly created for myself. All I want to do is make my own life what I want it to be, without other people weighing in with their disapproval or opinions. I am independent and wish to remain so, but ironically I conformed to what my family and others around me expected. Now, I’m struggling to get out of a life I don’t want and that is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be.”
I see many twenty somethings exhausting themselves trying to create a life that someone else — especially parents — wants for them. Living your life according to your own plan is part of becoming an adult. No matter how challenging it seems, you do have the courage and strength to take a stand for who you are and what you want — or against who you do not want to be and what you don’t want. Remember, this is your life.
“I learned that the most stressful thing in my life was my tenacity at holding on to all of the ‘shoulds’ in my life. Shoulds only matter if you’re considering other people’s standards and milestones. I decided it was important to live by my own timeline and gave myself permission to go at my own speed. Life is a wonderful, mysterious process, and my only expectation these days is that everything will unfold as it should. My job is to be true to myself and work at the things I know will make me happy. Everything else will work out around me.”
Web developer and life coach, 29, married, Colorado
In addition, members of the instant-gratification generation are likely to spend a large part of their twenties striving for external gratification, expecting that it will make them feel happy and successful. A hot car, a gorgeous date, a nice income: that’s what life is all about, right? But even when they gather all the necessary comforts to live the “expected” life, they can wake up with a huge Hangover because they never stopped to question whether these were things they really wanted. Plus, when emotional gratification is consistently attached to external things and a lifestyle, when do you learn how to generate satisfaction from within?
Another twenty-seven-year-old says, “Upon graduating from college I began working for the company I wanted and moved into my own one-bedroom apartment. I started dating a doctor who drove me everywhere in his BMW. I had a great social life, going to all the hottest clubs, eating at some of the best restaurants, and I shopped for new clothes every week. I had fulfilled all my expectations. From the outside my life seemed grand, but I was not truly happy. I felt empty, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and I couldn’t figure out why for the life of me.”
This type of “I did everything I was supposed to do, so what gives?” Hangover is extremely common, since our consumer culture consistently sells and validates the importance of stuff. Expectations about the stuff we should own have replaced our “dreams” about who we should be. It’s hard to even know what our dreams are when our lives are so focused on fulfilling expectations. In part 2, we’ll dig into the question of our dreams and desires even more. But first, here’s a way to help distinguish your own expectations from those of others, whether they are presented by relatives, friends, or society.
EXPECTATION IMPLANTS
Write a list of every expectation you can think of: all the things that are expected of you by others, that you expect from life, or that you expect yourself to achieve. After you