“COMPARE, REGRET, AND PANIC!” by Erin, 27

       DECLARATION: At my age I feelI should be doing a lot more with my life.

      When I was twenty-five, I tried to move to New York to pursue my dream of becoming a dancer. I lasted six weeks and came home broke and disheartened to my Midwestern town. Since returning home and living with my parents to pay off the debt, I’ve been crying a lot — depressed about money and that I failed at my “dream.” Major Expectation Hangover.

      About a year ago, everything was beginning to look up. I started a job teaching dance and even started performing. I made a budget and actually lived by it, which made it possible for me to start to save again. But I still get hit with this sense of failure that I’m almost thirty and what have I done? My answer to myself is “not that much.” I’m sick of having crappy jobs that don’t leave me time or energy to pursue my passion.

      I don’t have a boyfriend. I date casually and don’t feel like getting attached because I want to move out of the state to pursue dance, but then I get sad when I don’t “have someone.” I don’t know if I want kids because of the kind of lifestyle I want to have with dance, but then again, I don’t want to miss out on being a mom.

      I am not where I thought I’d be. I compare myself to my friends who are getting promoted, planning weddings, having kids, and buying houses. All this really hit me hard when my twenty-two-year-old brother said to me during one of my Hangover moments, “You’re twenty-seven. I hope for your sake you start doing something with yourself and soon.” Now there’s a confidence booster — even he expects me to do more with my life. I feel like a loser and like everyone is looking at me thinking, “When is she gonna get the show on the road?”

      How do I stop feeling so regretful and like I failed and start making solid decisions to follow my dreams? How do I stop comparing myself to everyone else around me?

      “HOW” IS NOT AS HARD AS YOU THINK

      I have an answer to Erin’s question: “How do I stop feeling so regretful and like I failed?” It’s very profound, so brace yourself and grab a notebook. Ready? Just stop. Stop feeling regretful and start feeling more positive. Okay — I realize “just stop” may not seem like a very helpful answer, but it is the only answer. The reason twenty somethings get so frustrated and despairing is that they haven’t yet learned how to just stop an Expectation Hangover.

      Reading Erin’s story, it seems like she is putting her energy into beating herself up and creating more anxiety for herself, rather than focusing on pragmatic actions. For instance, is she being fair with herself to write off her time in New York as a failure? If she puts aside her self-criticism, she may discover that she actually did learn a few things while she was there. She has more of an idea of how much money it takes and what kind of jobs are available. She can treat her past experience as a “rehearsal” and set goals for her next “performance.” Erin can examine her feelings of success as a teacher and perhaps fine-tune her goals for a dance career, while taking manageable small steps toward them. When we focus on actions rather than on our emotions, and when we learn from our experience rather than constantly measuring it against our expectations, we can avoid major Hangovers and keep moving forward.

      “If you asked me when I was six where I’d be at almost twenty-six, I would have told you that I would be a graduate of medical school, with a home, a husband, 2.5 kids, and a dog. So far, only the dog part has worked out.”

       Support supervisor, 25, serious relationship, Virginia

      Picture this: You are at the bottom of a staircase, and you really want to get to the second floor. How do you do it? Do you take a running leap and jump straight for the top? Of course not! You take one step at a time, trusting that the next step will be there and you will eventually ascend to the next floor. The emotional quicksand so many twenty somethings get trapped in is that they wait for one big thing to happen that will set them where they want to be instead of taking small steps in the direction of their dream. Clarify your short-term goals!

      I DON’T, I HAVEN’T, THEREFORE I WON’T

      If you consistently focus on what you don’t have or what you think can’t be done, you are impairing your ability to arrive at what you want. The present is the result of the past, not a predictor of the future. Erin is quick to discount her efforts and achievements (calling herself a “loser”) in the face of all she hasn’t yet done, and she uses both her own expectations and those of others to beat herself up. I see this negative thinking in many of my clients.

      I’m sure you can guess my answer to Erin’s other question — “How do I stop comparing myself to everyone else around me?” Again, just give it up. There will always be people more successful, prettier, smarter, richer, more in love, and so on. Count on it for the rest of your life. It’s self-defeating and counterproductive to compare yourself to others; it yields only envy and feelings of inferiority. Break the comparison habit now, and I promise you that you will have more peace in your life. There is enough abundance in the world to go around, so keep your attention on your own life. Redirect your focus to all the things you have done and you do have.

      My recommendation for those who continually get trapped comparing themselves to others is to keep a gratitude journal — you can do it in your head, but it is more useful and effective to write things down. For example, if you have $10 in your savings account, focus on and celebrate how awesome it is to have that $10, rather than think about the $10,000 you don’t have.

      “I’ve been too busy living life to focus on what I should have or how I measure up to others. The expectations I do have are to be generally happy, feel good about my work, have health insurance, and stay in touch with old friends. The rest of it is just whining.”

       Project manager, 24, serious relationship, Washington

      If You Are Going to Take Yourself to Trial, At Least Have a Case!

      I’ve found that many twenty somethings are experts at worrying about and beating themselves up for problems and concerns that do not even exist yet. It’s a symptom of living in the “what ifs” of the future, which drain the enjoyment and chance for success in the now. In Erin’s case, she seems emotionally paralyzed in classic twenty-something domino fashion: pursing dance means moving, which means she can’t pursue a serious romance, and a dancing life also seems to threaten any chance at future motherhood. These are serious issues, but they are not issues she is facing, or can do anything about, at the current moment.

      Besides, who says what’s possible or impossible? What if Erin met a local guy with big-city dreams as well? Don’t professional dancers have children? Anything is possible and creative solutions can be found — as long