Love Skills. Linda Carroll
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reliably progress from the initial juicy moment of meeting, to giddy infatuation, to a series of small trials and tribulations, and finally to a quietly blissful state of happily-ever-after. It makes for a satisfying and comforting story, but it’s not how real life operates. The truth is, love is a journey without a final destination throughout our lives. We shouldn’t expect that at some point in some particular relationship, we’ll look back at the obstacles we overcame and exult, “That’s it! We’re here! We made it!” It’s difficult to see in advance, but beyond wherever you are now another hurdle awaits.
But we can manage these hurdles. Learning more about them and equipping ourselves to respond to them effectively is a crucial part of sustaining a rewarding long-term relationship.
In the Love Cycles model, intimate relationships move through five stages: The Merge, Doubt and Denial, Disillusionment, The Decision, and Wholehearted Love. Imagine these stages not as stepping-stones to a final outcome, but rather as a series of seasons that we move through in an eternal cycle. No matter how glorious a summer may be, a cool autumn breeze will eventually blow through that will one day give way to icy winter. Likewise, even the harshest of winters will melt away in time. The fresh breath of spring always returns.
Although people experience these cycles differently, the skills and road map are useful for everyone. The journey to wholehearted love is never a straight or easy line. That said, I have certainly seen those who begin their relationships with a lot of self-awareness and wisdom already gleaned from their lives, having already experienced the cycles of love enough times to know how to pass through the earlier stages more quickly. We can all get to this place. As we do this work, we will learn to move through the tougher stages with more ease, grace, and kindness, and we will find ways to hang out longer in the bountiful stage of Wholehearted Love — and maybe even dip back into the deliciously sensual moments of Stage One.
Stage One: The Merge
In Greek mythology, Cupid — the god of desire, eroticism, and affection — dipped his arrows in a special love potion that caused innocent targets, when struck, to fall into a mad passion for the next person they saw. As it turns out, this tale accurately reflects the biochemical changes in our brains that both trigger and maintain infatuation. In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term “limerence” to describe the state of mind that occurs when our brains are flooded with a cocktail of hormones and chemicals that includes pleasure-inducing dopamine and endorphins, aphrodisiacs such as phenethylamine (also found in chocolate), and oxytocin, which promotes empathy and bonding.
The Merge is the initial sweeping romance that consumes a couple. The passion and chemistry of this first stage are what we customarily associate with the concept of love — all-encompassing joy in the presence of our partner, utter fascination with the other’s personality and life story, and insatiable mind-blowing, deeply connected sex. We feel we’ve found our “perfect match,” a person who seems eerily similar to ourselves and for whom we can check off all the boxes on the list of characteristics of our envisioned ideal partner. Our emotional brain drowns out our rational one as we give ourselves over to the delicious pleasures of infatuation.
In this stage, partners always want to be together, communicate constantly when apart, and believe their love can see them through whatever challenges life may bring. Just as the infant merges with the mother and cannot tell the difference between itself and another, and just as the new mother lives in constant awareness of her newborn child, so it is with new lovers. Boundaries melt away, and the sense of “we-ness” is paramount and intense.
And have you ever noticed that this first stage of love also makes you feel better about yourself? The magical new person in your life seems to bring out the best in you. You’ve never been so spontaneous, so witty, so warm, so sexy, so open! You marvel at your new capacity for compassion, patience, and generosity. Your whole being simply glows.
Some couples may skip the infatuation stage, establishing a relationship of companionable and caring friendship without the fireworks. For the majority of couples who do experience The Merge, the glorious intensity may last anywhere from several months to a few years, although some pairs find the ecstatic free fall lasts just a few weeks before giving way to judgment and disappointment. Here’s what I know for certain: there’s no straightforward path from that initial biochemically induced plunge down the rabbit hole of infatuation to the kind of mature committed love that will last a lifetime.
Stage Two: Doubt and Denial
For some partners, doubt creeps in slowly, like a gently rising tide. For others, it can strike suddenly and powerfully, like a bolt of lightning. However it occurs, a realization dawns on the couple that they’re not entirely “perfect” for each other after all. In this second stage, they start to realize there are more differences between them than they first thought. And as soon as they feel the first stab of doubt, they anxiously try to deny its existence. Even when partners acknowledge their differences, they tell themselves they will eventually be ironed out — or that they’re no big deal in the first place.
As all of this unfolds, the special magic of The Merge starts to subside. You’re no longer compelled to spend every moment together, no longer mesmerized by each other’s presence, and no longer as willing to bend over backward to make the other happy. You may start to show more critical, irritable, or unattractive parts of yourselves. One or both of you might start to air small grievances, only to be met by knee-jerk defensiveness or even retaliation. Arguments start to arise more frequently, affection dulls, and alone time begins to feel restorative rather than intolerable. Sex may become less frequent — or at least less passionate — now that the novelty is fading and the “love chemicals” in the brain have begun to subside.
At this point, partners may think, “It used to be so easy!” and “Why can’t he (or she) see things the way I do?” And most disconcerting of all: “Have I chosen the wrong person?” If you’re experiencing these kinds of thoughts and feelings, it may indeed be a signal that you’re with the wrong person. But, just as likely, it’s a manifestation of the emotions that naturally arise during this second stage of the Love Cycle. Though painful, the death of illusion permits us to move closer to the possibility of real, abiding love. It’s the great paradox of relationships. As romance recedes, we can learn to steer through difficulty in ways that deepen the relationship rather than damage it.
I call this the “silent stage,” because it’s the step in love’s journey that partners rarely discuss directly. We find ourselves smoothing over differences and fearful of broaching them with our partner, let alone our friends and family. We stay silent because we don’t want to admit our relationship isn’t the perfect haven we once believed it to be.
Stage Three: Disillusionment
The Disillusionment stage is the winter season of love, one that may feel like the end of the road for some couples. The power struggles in the relationship have come fully to the surface; the issues the couple have consistently shoved under the rug are now glaringly obvious. Some people become perpetually vigilant, on edge, and ready to fly into battle at the slightest provocation. Other couples might quietly move apart over time, putting less and less energy into maintaining the relationship and investing more outside of it. They begin to make separate lives in the places that matter most, sharing less and less with one another about what really matters and practicing “the art of nice” without much depth.
At this juncture, our original experience of passionate love is a distant memory. The “I” reemerges, a state that feels a lot safer than our former blissful experience of “we.” Dark thoughts might even enter our heads, ones we may share with others: “I’m not sure I love my partner anymore,” or “My husband has turned into someone I don’t know,” or even, “I think I married the wrong woman.” Even if we don’t frame our differences in such a dramatic fashion, we experience a sense of growing distance and estrangement from our partner.
Other couples may experience Stage Three not as a time of questioning their commitment to the relationship itself, but rather as a strong message that things need to change or that the original contract their relationship was built on is no longer relevant. For example, these messages might be the product of life transitions. Perhaps who we were