Love Skills. Linda Carroll
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becomes disruptive to the relationship and can cause intense alienation.
Whatever shape the Disillusionment stage takes, at this point life feels unpleasantly predictable. We’re having the same fights over and over again — or not communicating at all about anything that’s actually important, avoiding all the possible places of trouble. Where we once saw the best in our partner (“He’s so confident and reasonable!”), now we see the worst (“He’s so controlling and out of touch with his feelings!”). Perhaps we even witness our own unappealing qualities — and then turn around and blame our partner for them. Bad moods abound. We may resort to behaviors that are unhealthy and deeply hurtful to our partners and ourselves — lies, betrayals, and sexual transgressions. We may find ourselves fantasizing about an old love, a current colleague, or even that cute pizza-delivery guy.
Stage Four: The Decision
Finally, you reach a breaking point. Nearly every relationship hits what I call “the wall” — the stage where the differences, challenges, and negativity between partners feel unbearable.
For many couples, this decision is about staying or leaving. You’re utterly worn out. Emotional breakdowns — crying fits, screaming, or slamming the door and leaving the house for several hours — are commonplace. You and your partner retreat into self-protective behaviors and emotions: emotional shutdown, remoteness, and indifference. Maybe you even find yourself telling your friends and family things like, “I can’t do this anymore.” Sex is rare, nonexistent, or takes place exclusively after arguments. You may feel ready for an enticing new beginning with a new person. Other couples’ successful relationships feel like grim proof that yours is unsalvageable. Singlehood starts to seem better and better, compared to remaining in this dysfunctional, energy-sapping arrangement.
Some couples face a different kind of decision that isn’t about whether you’re walking out the door. This stage is called The Decision for a reason: something isn’t working, and it’s reached the point where you desperately need a change. What you do next will likely determine whether your relationship thrives and moves in a new direction or you become resigned to status quo.
Many couples decide to separate when they reach this level of estrangement. Some opt for living parallel and distant lives: living together but no longer seeking intimacy, emotional support, meaningful sex, or personal growth from each other. In this case, polite indifference often becomes a coping strategy. Others peacefully accept the living of parallel lives, perhaps coming together for family occasions and even supporting each other, but neither partner is hopeful for deeper intimacy. Still other couples simply stay as they are, playing out the same tired battles over and over without any willingness to change or leave.
Even if we do successfully extricate ourselves from what can feel like a doomed relationship, it’s a mistake to fail to fully explore the difficult lessons of this stage. If we don’t come to grips with our own role in the relationship’s conflicts, we’ll likely choose the same kind of person next time and re-create a similar story. In addition, committing to learn from our experiences in this stage can help us to leave the relationship without bitterness and blame. We might even be able to become a little more tolerant, emotionally intelligent, and wholehearted in the process.
Sometimes, when I am working with a couple at this stage of the Love Cycle, especially when there is a lot of hurt and many messes to clean up, I suggest they consider that “the marriage is over.” After a moment’s pause to let the concept sink in, I continue: “So how about making a new marriage, keeping what worked and changing the parts that you’ve outgrown or weren’t healthy to begin with?”
If both partners decide to fully embrace their commitment to the relationship and their own healing, that decision may lead them to the fifth and final stage of the cycle.
Stage Five: Wholehearted Love
Reaching the stage of Wholehearted Love requires the hardest work of all: true individuation, self-discovery, and acceptance of imperfection in both our partner and ourselves. Wholehearted love recognizes there’s no such thing as a “perfect match.” It acknowledges both the inevitable differences between the self and the partner as well as how one’s own actions contribute to the relationship’s challenges. We’re no longer looking at problems with an intention to blame but rather to understand, take responsibility for, and courageously address our own challenges. In acknowledging and exploring our own imperfections, we learn to accept those of our partner, rather than fruitlessly insisting that our partner be the one to change.
In essence, we lean into discomfort instead of running from it. That means we no longer avoid difficult conversations, but instead face them head-on with an open heart. We learn to listen carefully, even when our partner voices an opinion we find threatening. At the same time, we no longer view alone time as an escape from the other person, but rather a healthy way to replenish the self — and consequently replenish the relationship as well.
And sex? Sometimes it’s wonderful. Sometimes it doesn’t quite work out — and we learn to laugh or shrug about what is less than perfect. Always, it’s an ongoing candid conversation between both partners to ensure mutual satisfaction.
Importantly, the stage of Wholehearted Love doesn’t merely mean a calm, mature acceptance of what is. To the contrary, it can be a thrilling adventure in which we rediscover some of the joy and passion of The Merge. Although we may not recapture the dopamine-fueled bliss of the first stage, we begin to play together again — to laugh, relax, and deeply enjoy each other. Together, we might create art, plant a garden, travel, develop community, and share work and family life in new ways. And throughout, as we work toward greater maturity and connection, we rediscover new aspects of ourselves and our partner that allow us to fall in love all over again.
Once we know how to live comfortably in this stage, we can fairly quickly return to stability even when we fall out, without necessarily having to travel through every stage each time. No one can stay in wholeheartedness all of the time, but we can live here for longer and longer stretches.
The Love Cycles model offers a concrete method for practicing mindfulness within our relationships. It encourages us to identify and grapple with our innermost thoughts and feelings about our partners and accept the ever-changing nature of love. Once you pinpoint where you and your partner are in the cycle, you can pause, breathe, and begin to thoughtfully address your relationship challenges. In the next chapter, we’ll get started with that process by figuring out which stage you’re currently in.
Which Love Cycle Stage Are You In?
Romantic Love sticks around long enough to bind two people together. Then it rides off into the sunset. And seemingly overnight, your dream marriage can turn into your biggest nightmare.
— HARVILLE HENDRIX, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Truths for Changing the Relationship You Have into the One You Want
It is possible, even likely, that you may see yourself in a different Love Cycle stage than your partner does. It’s normal for two people to see their relationship in different ways.
Let’s Find Out
Take the following quiz to find out which stage you are in.
Love Cycles Quiz
This exercise should be completed individually. If you’re working as a couple, come together to share your results at the end after doing the quiz separately.
Rank yourself on a scale of 1 to 3 for each item based on the definitions below:
1 = This doesn’t apply to me at all
2 = This somewhat applies to me
3 = This definitely applies to me
Stage One: The Merge
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