The New Father. Armin A. Brott
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The First Time … Again
When you do finally get around to making love, you should expect the first few times to be a period of tentative rediscovery for both of you. Her body has changed, and she may respond differently than she used to. Some studies have shown that after giving birth, women experience a slightly decreased interest in vaginal stimulation and an increased interest in clitoral and breast stimulation. Also, women who experienced multiple orgasms before giving birth are less likely to do so, or will do so less frequently, now.
She may also be worried that having sex will hurt, and you may be afraid of the same thing or that those extra pounds she hasn’t lost yet will interfere with her pleasure (or yours). Go slowly, take your cues from her, and give yourselves plenty of time to get used to each other again.
Sex researchers William Fisher and Janice Gray found that nursing mothers generally resume their sexual lives sooner than women who don’t breastfeed. This is a little odd, considering that nursing mothers produce lower levels of ovarian hormones, which are responsible for producing vaginal lubrication. As a result, if your partner is nursing, her vagina may be much drier than before, making intercourse painful. Obviously, this doesn’t mean she isn’t aroused by you; it’s simply a common post-birth condition. In situations like these, a little K-Y Jelly, Astroglide, or other over-the-counter lubricant will go a long way.
And while you’re out buying lubricant, pick up a few boxes of condoms too. Despite what you may have heard about women not being able to get pregnant during the time that they’re breastfeeding, nursing is not an effective means of contraception. Your partner’s periods will probably start up again between three and eight months after the birth. But since ovulation happens about two weeks before the period starts, she may not know that she’s fertile again until it’s too late. So unless the two of you really want two kids less than a year apart, get in the habit of using some kind of protection every time you have sex. Barrier methods (condoms or diaphragm) are probably best right now. But have your partner check with her OB to see whether any of the oral contraceptives are safe during breastfeeding.
Finally, be flexible—and patient. In the first six weeks after childbirth, only 34 percent of couples have vaginal intercourse. Meanwhile, about 74 percent of partners of new moms masturbate, according to Sari van Anders, an intimacy and sexuality researcher at the University of Michigan.
Not Ready to Be a Father
One of the most consistent findings by researchers is that new fathers almost always feel unprepared for their new role. Personally, I would have been surprised if it were otherwise. When most of our fathers were raising us, a “good father” was synonymous with “good provider.” He supported his family financially, mowed the lawn, washed the car, and maintained discipline in the home. No one seemed to care whether he ever spent much time with his children; in fact, he was discouraged from doing so, and told to leave the kids to his wife, the “good mother.”
Yesterday’s “good father” has now retroactively become an emotionally distant, uncaring villain. And today’s “good father,” besides still being a breadwinner, is expected to be a real presence—physically and emotionally—in his kids’ lives. This, in a nutshell, is exactly what most new fathers want. Most of us have no intention of being wait-till-your-father-comes-home dads and want to be more involved with our children than our own fathers were. The problem is that we just haven’t had the training. The solution? Quit complaining and jump right in. The “maternal instinct” that women are supposedly born with is actually acquired on the job. And that’s exactly where you’re going to develop your “paternal instinct.” If you need a little extra guidance, think about starting a dad blog and connecting with other new and more experienced dads (see pages 192–94 for more).
Confusion
If there’s one thing that set my first few months of fatherhood apart from the next few years, it was the confusing and often conflicting emotions I felt:
• On the one hand, I had a sense of incredible virility, power, and pride at having created a new life. On the other, I often felt helpless when I couldn’t understand—let alone satisfy—the baby’s needs.
• Most of the time I felt the most powerful kind of love for my tiny child. But sometimes I also felt ambivalent. And once in a while I felt a powerful anger—one that seemed to come out of nowhere—toward the very same baby.
• Most of the time I felt particularly close to my wife—especially when we would admire our children together. But every so often I’d get suspicious that she loved them more than she did me.
Being confused leads a lot of guys to feel that there’s something wrong with them. You’d be amazed at the number of questions I get via email or in person, at workshops I do with fathers, that start with the same seven words: “Am I the only one who feels …?”
“You’re not real experienced at this father business, are you?”
Before you go off and check yourself into a mental hospital, there are a few things you should know. First, being confused isn’t abnormal at all. If you want proof, all you have to do is start asking a few of the other new dads you know whether they’re feeling some of the same things you are. You’ll probably find that (a) they have the same feelings you do, and (b) they also think they’re abnormal. That begs the question: if almost everyone thinks he’s abnormal, then isn’t being abnormal the norm? If that doesn’t reassure you at least a little, maybe this will: this state of confusion—and the accompanying suspicions about your sanity—usually disappear by the end of the third month.
Fears—Lots of Them
The combination of feeling unprepared and confused at the same time can be rather frightening, and the first few months of fatherhood are riddled with fears. Here are some of the most common:
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