Saudade. Traci Brimhall
Читать онлайн книгу.Before she died, my mother told me
I’d make the monster that would kill me,
but what crawled toward me was not
my lost daughter manifesting as myth —
this was someone else’s death creeping
through my field, butchering my cow.
I recognized its lone eye and two mouths.
Perhaps it mistook the lowing for the call
of its own kind. I didn’t mind the heifer,
but her calf circled, refusing to leave even
as the creature pulled out its mother’s tongue,
fed one of its mouths and moaned
from the other. The intestines glowed
dully in the moonlight. The calf bawled.
The disappointed mapinguari sat,
thousands of worms rising from the split
heart it held, testing the strange night air.
I’ve outlived all the miracles that came for me.
My mother was wrong and not wrong,
like the calf who approached the monster
and licked the blood from its fingers.
The Unconfirmed Miracles at Puraquequara
First came reports of a leprous child who touched
the shrunken hand and was healed. A barren
woman pressed it to her womb and conceived.
Other claims followed — a manioc crop flourished
when a farmer danced the hand over his field,
a priest cast out a possessed boy’s demon when
he used a finger to make the sign of the cross
on the boy’s body. Whenever a believer paraded it
down church aisles, the square holes in Christ’s wrists
closed. The man who discovered the shrunken fist
in the mouth of a dead jaguar said his manhood
doubled in size. I knew where it had come from,
this message that my daughter’s body was still alive
and surely growing, but I said nothing. The town
had waited so long for a miracle, and it was finally
here, enriching the poor, emboldening the meek,
carving acrostic mysteries into the trees. So when
I caught it trying to escape the reliquary, I thought
I had no choice but to leash it to the altar. That’s when
the manioc crop molded and the woman delivered
a stillbirth with flippers for feet and eyes
like small black planets. Demons returned to the boy.
He shook so hard he struck his head on a rock and died.
When the hunter went mad and strangled his wife, the whole
town was relieved. We knew what to do. We paraded him
to the city square where he wept — Where’s my wife? —
as the priest prayed — Deliver us — and we all shouted —
Thief! — until his body stopped swaying and we cut
off his hands. Startled pigeons roosting on the church
roof took flight when they heard the clapping.
To Survive the Revolution
I, too, love the devil. He comes to my bed
all wrath and blessing and, wearing
my husband’s beard, whispers, Tell me who
you suspect. He fools me the same way every time,
but never punishes me the same way twice.
I don’t remember who I give him but he says
I have the instinct for red. Kiss red. Pleasure red.
Red of the ripe guaraná, of the jaguar’s eyes
when it stalks the village at night. Red as the child
I birthed that my husband buried without me.
The stump of flesh where the head should be,
red. Pierced side of a disappointing Christ, red.
A sinner needs her sin, and mine is beloved.
Mine returns with skin under his fingernails,
an ice cube on his tongue, and covers my face
with a hymnal. I never ask for a miracle,
only strength enough to bear his weight.
Each day, I hang laundry on the line, dodge
every shadow. Each night he crawls
through the window, I pay with a name.
The God I don’t believe in saves me anyway.
In Which the Chorus Describes Cafuné on the Eve of the Passion
MARIA HELENA
The night in costumes, in church bells, in pews sucking on free salted caramels.
MARIA THEREZA
In the general’s breath before he pinches the child’s jaw open and spits in her mouth.
MARIA HELENA
We did nothing to stop it. Why would we? We only witness, record, recite.
MARIA THEREZA
Besides, no one else tried to stop history from bringing itself to the stage. Everyone fantasized a different present.
MARIA DE LOURDES
In the pews, the unrepentant traced their hands onto hymnal pages. Behind the curtain, the toothless, the leprous, burying themselves in scherzos and nude boas.
MARIA THEREZA
Jesus makes it onstage but forgets his lines, the new Passion simmers in the journalist, the priest, the poet, watching the dictator’s parade from an unlit room, composing meager epics and running the planchette across the letters written on the wall:
MARIA MADALENA
Will we survive?
MARIA APARECIDA
Of course not.
MARIA MADALENA
Will the country?
MARIA APARECIDA
Ask again later.
MARIA MADALENA
Is God’s love absolute?
MARIA APARECIDA
Nana, nenê.