The Exceptional Seven Percent. Gregory K. Popcak
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peers. They both work hard to communicate their emotions well and their needs respectfully.
For her part, the Traditional Partnership wife is an active participant in financial planning. She feels it is very important to contribute to the family finances. Even if she is not employed out of the home, she may do things like homeschool the children or make other significant contributions of service and skills that give her family an economic edge. This stay-at-home mom is not likely to be found among the “ladies who lunch.”
Conventional stay-at-home moms tend to be torn. On the one hand, they feel that what they do is valuable; on the other hand, they struggle with society’s (and sometimes even their husband’s) general dismissiveness of women who work at home. Often they feel inferior to their Star wife friends. Traditional Partnership wives experience no such identity crisis. They are sure of the importance and financial value of their contribution to the family. And they find deep fulfillment in the hard work they do.
Like all couples in the Exceptional category, Traditional Partners-ship couples work to cultivate similar interests. Most times they would rather do something they don’t enjoy as long as they are doing it with their mate rather than do something they do enjoy with someone else. It is extremely rare for the Partnership spouse to say, “You know I hate doing such and such. Call one of your buddies/girlfriends.” But make no mistake: even though the Partnership couple is usually together, a Partnership husband or wife is always free to go out with his or her own friends. Personal boundaries and the need to be alone are respected. (Shipwrecked spouses, on the other hand, are always together because it is too much of a hassle to get permission from their mate to go out alone.)
Modern Partnerships, the second type of Partnership marriage, are built around more secular and liberal ideals, but the dynamics of the relationship are basically the same as their Traditional counterparts. They value egalitarianism, work to share in each other’s worlds, and they do not keep score over who does what because they are confident that each is doing as much as possible at all times. As far as marital structure goes, the only real difference between Traditional and Modern Partners is what they consider to be a more efficient use of resources. Where Traditional Partners’ values suggest that it is preferable to have one person more or less oversee the domestic responsibilities and one person more or less oversee the financial affairs, the Modern Partners’ values dictate that both the husband and wife should contribute as much as possible to every sphere with no one (at least in theory) exerting too much influence over any one area. On the downside, this tends to make Modern Partners slightly more harried than their Traditional counterparts. On the upside, this tends to eliminate the temptation to coast that sometimes affects Traditional Partners. Take your pick. Both marriages are fantastic, and people should consider themselves blessed to be in either version of Partnership marriage.
Recommendations for Partnership Couples
No doubt some of you are wondering what could possibly come after this. It is true, Partnership marriages are wonderful but there is one more step to take if a couple is so inclined (the Spiritual Peer marriage). To do this, the Partnership couple must work to accomplish two things:
1. Develop a truly spiritual sexuality. Strangely enough, the deep friendship and intimacy which Partnership couples share can, in some cases, put a temporary damper on the sexual relationship. How can this be? For all our claims that we are a sexually liberated lot, most people still speak of sex using derogatory terms. We refer to sex as “being naughty” or “getting nasty,” and we often use sex as a way to prove ourselves, or rebel against authority, or get in touch with our “wild” or “bad” side.
But in a Partnership marriage there is little that is negative, there is nothing to prove, and there is no authority to rebel against. As such, the negative concepts which define so many people’s sexuality no longer apply. As one Partnership wife said, “It’s hard for me to ‘get nasty’ with somebody I love and respect so much.” In her book, Peer Marriage, Dr. Schwartz refers to this phenomenon as an “incest taboo.” (The idea that two people can be so close and respect each other so much that sex no longer seems an appropriate way to relate.)
To overcome this problem, the couple must mine the spiritual core of their sexuality. This involves challenging the basic foundations of contemporary sexual attitudes and discovering how married sexuality is not only a celebration of goodness, but also an opportunity for actualization. Chapter 10 will deal with this issue further.
2. Exhibit a willingness to make financial sacrifices. The Partnership couple is already risking their basic acceptance by pursuing their value of intimacy and togetherness despite the disapproving comments of those more Conventional friends who keep saying “you need to take time for yourself. Don’t forget about yourself” Now, to move to the next level, most Partnership couples are going to have to deemphasize the importance of financial success. This is not to say that one must embrace poverty, simply that one must be willing to set serious limits on anything that distracts one from actualizing his or her value system. For most people, pursuing material success is a pretty big distraction. Those Partnership couples who are willing to scale back on their income, or at least decrease the energy they expend pursuing career success, have the best chance of achieving not only the highest known form of marriage, but also the strongest known level of identity strength.
Spiritual Peer Marriages
MARITAL THEME: The pursuit of intimacy, simplification, and actualization.
As far as current research goes, this is the top of the marital food chain. If both types of Exceptional couples (the Partnership marriages and Spiritual Peer marriages) were combined, they would total about 15 percent of all marriages (and 7 percent of first marriages). Spiritual Peers alone probably account for no more than 4 percent of all marriages.
Spiritual Peers focus on intimacy in the context of self-actualization. You will recall that to be “actualized” is to be a person who is a joyful, living, breathing example of a particular value system. For the Spiritual Peer couple, nothing is more important than helping each other live out a deeply held set of spiritual values, moral ideals, and emotional goals. While Partnership couples still struggle with how to apply their deeply held ideals in their unique circumstances, often seeking clarifying advice from an important involvement in a values group, Spiritual Peers have almost completely internalized—or “own”—their values. For the most part, they have incorporated the tenets of their values group into their lives and no longer have to check with anyone else to see if they are “doing it right” (though they are still open to criticism from credible sources and actively seek opportunities for continued growth).
Three qualities are the hallmarks of these marriages: simplification, competence, and egalitarianism. We have discussed two of the three in relation to Partnership marriages, but each is exhibited in a purer form in Spiritual Peer marriages. First, simplification: Both husband and wife are definitely off the fast track. They could work more, but they have come to the conclusion that the time and money isn’t worth the cost to their pursuit of intimacy and other values. Spiritual Peers aren’t deadbeats, they just have more important things to do. In particular, loving each other and their children. Spiritual Peers are not martyrs. They don’t give up anything they really need, but they know how to give up everything that is not valuable, like approval or more money than their needs and most important wants require.
Second, both husband and wife are competent at all aspects of family life. At this level, the dance of competence, which began around household responsibilities now extends to every other relationship task. Who works outside the home? Whoever feels their values calling them to do so at this time. Who takes care of the kids? They both do. Spiritual Peers are co-parents in the extreme. Who plans the social calendar and “couple time”? Both husband and wife are equally aware and skilled at handling their relationship and social calendars.
Third, they value egalitarianism over equality. Again, Spiritual Peers represent the refinement of this quality which was first witnessed in the Partnership marriage. You will recall that people who value egalitarianism know they are equal and don’t feel the need to prove it by dividing jobs up into nice even piles or by declaring certain tasks to be beneath them. As good as Partnership couples are at this, sometimes they still struggle