The Exceptional Seven Percent. Gregory K. Popcak
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they could expect more from life beyond the basics or were raised in homes where their material and safety needs were never guaranteed. Because of this, they distinguish themselves by how much of their lives revolve around pursuing the basic needs of life (financial security; safety). While all couples desire and even need these things, Shipwrecked couples never seem to know when enough is enough. They are either constantly pursuing more and more financial security or working to lead quieter and more stress-free lives until there is nothing left except the pursuit of these most basic of goals.
Shipwrecked marriages usually deteriorate into “brother and sister” relationships through the years because they are not so much founded on love as they are on functionality: paying bills, maintaining the house, raising the children. Likewise, the basic differences between men and women are most keenly felt here. Shipwrecked husbands and wives spend a great deal of time staring at each other saying, “I don’t understand what the hell you want from me. Why do you have to be such a (wo)man?”
Historically, Shipwrecked marriages lasted a lifetime, though they were less than happy. In the present day, due to both the loss of the divorce taboo and the social and career opportunities available for women, they tend to have an approximate lifespan of ten years (including any years of premarital cohabitation).
The set of basics which are most important to a couple will determine to which of the three types of Shipwrecked marriages they belong: Materialistic, Safety, or Rescue. We will take a brief look at each.
The Materialistic marriage values financial security above all else. This can translate into either the obsessive pursuit of wealth, an extreme level of frugality, or both. Materialistic marriages tend to have a traditional structure and the roles of the husband and wife are defined in an extremely rigid manner. Compliance with these roles is strictly enforced. The husband in a Materialistic marriage may or may not have an important, well-paying, or glamorous career, but regardless, he does not gain satisfaction from his work so much as he gains satisfaction from the money he makes or the power and esteem his work may win him. Being thought of as a “great guy” is very important to the Materialistic husband who builds his life around overcompensating for his basic insecurities. He is the person everybody likes, but when you think about it, has no close friends. (Tom Cruise’s character in the movie Jerry Maguire is a good example of a man moving through the Materialistic stage of a relationship.) He is often gregarious with everyone except his family, toward whom he is either neglectful or abusive. He also tends to be fairly jealous, possessive, and controlling with his wife. The wife, on the other hand, fears more than anything else that she would be unable to provide for herself in the manner to which she has become accustomed. Because she feels unqualified for any other work, the role of wife and mother has fallen to her. Though she says she loves her children, this love may be mixed with a fair dose of resentment because she often feels trapped by her life. This is the housewife who has been said to lead a life of “quiet desperation.”
Both husband and wife are extremely dependent upon each other. As previously mentioned, the Materialistic wife is dependent upon the husband for her financial needs and social standing. The Materialistic husband, on the other hand, is dependent upon his wife to uphold his fragile ego and legitimize him (“I’m married. I can’t be all bad”). His dependency on her is not quite as obvious on a day-to-day basis, but it comes out in force if she ever tries to leave him. At such a time he will either make overblown promises to change everything in his life that offends her (though he would be hard pressed to identify those things) or, failing at this approach, he may threaten suicide or homicide (“If you leave me, I’ll kill myself. Who knows, I might just take you with me!”).
Around the ten-year mark, many wives in Materialistic marriages strike a blow for independence. This is often precipitated by the wife either finding a way to meet her own financial needs or taking a new lover on whom she can lean. The marriage rarely survives such a blow. Those couples who do not receive competent counseling but somehow make it beyond this crisis phase will remain stable—though depressed—until the children are grown, after which the marriage may be threatened with another war for independence.
The second type of Shipwrecked marriage is the Safety marriage, which is at the other end of the spectrum. Safety marriages occur when a woman who has had a deprived or traumatic past marries a nice, quiet man who will not threaten her. The main theme of this marriage is safety, in the form of avoiding conflict and pursuing a completely stress-free life. By her choice of a husband, the wife is assured that any arguments are likely to be on her terms, although she is usually just as happy to remain quiet because, “Life is too short to fight.” The couple tends to have more than their share of financial problems—they are hardly the corporate killer types—although wives in these marriages are more likely to be employed out of the home (usually from necessity). Also, because of the wife’s influence, they are more likely to be churchgoers than their Materialistic counterparts, though their faith tends to be shallow, celebrating either feel-good spiritual vagaries or rigid religiosity.
This relationship goes along just fine until about ten years into the marriage when the wife finally becomes sated with safety and quietude and expresses a desire for more passion in her life and marriage. Unfortunately, she discovers that the same man who could not threaten her also lacks the skills and motivation to love her as well as she would now like. From this point on, there will be tension in the marriage—though it may not be voiced—as the wife drags her husband to therapy, church, support groups, anything that will “fix” him, and get her the husband that she needs. Even when it works, it is a painfully slow process.
Finally, the Shipwrecked Rescue marriage is the more satisfying hybrid of the two Shipwrecked marriages you have just read about. Identified by Dr. Judith Wallerstein in her book, The Good Marriage (1995), both the husband and wife in a Rescue marriage usually come from severely neglectful, abusive, or deprived families of origin. But unlike other Shipwrecked couples who eventually come to desire more intimacy or greater identity strength (thus inviting the tension that either propels them toward the next stage on the pathway or destroys the marriage), Rescue couples are just happy to have survived their traumatic pasts and never learn to ask for anything more from life. As one Rescue wife told me, “I suppose I love him. Not like most people mean it, but, you know.... He doesn’t beat me. He doesn’t drink too much or sleep around. He makes a good living. What do I have to complain about?”
Despite the relative “satisfaction” of Rescue couples, these marriages belong in the Impoverished category because they are still only about achieving the basics in life, are still seriously lacking in intimacy, still exhibit unhealthy levels of mutual dependency, still depend upon lives that are too sheltered from the world at large, and—generally speaking—are not marriages that anyone with a healthy upbringing would aspire to.
Recommendations for Shipwrecked Couples
In order for Shipwrecked couples to move to the next step on the pathway (Conventional marriages), they need to look at the following in their lives.
1. Expect more from life. If you are in a Shipwrecked marriage, you have learned that it was either foolish or selfish to want more than “the basics” from life. To a large degree, this is what caused you to create a marriage that resembles the alien houseplant in the musical Little Shop of Horrors. That is, it sucks the life out of you to sustain itself. A healthy marriage is not a drain; it is a life-giving thing that empowers you to become the person you were created to be. The first step toward this marital ideal is to stop thinking of your dreams, goals, ideals, and values as something to take up one day after you win the lottery. Finding work or roles that are personally meaningful—as opposed to merely practical, well-paying, or even important—is essential to entering the next stage of your identity development and married life.
2. Learn to meet your own needs. In order for love to blossom in your marriage, you have to rout out your dependency. What do you rely on your mate to do for you that, at this point, you are unable or unwilling to do for yourself? Earn a living? Clean house? Cook? Discipline your children? Make friends? Feel good about yourself? Get the training, practice, or counseling you need to overcome your neediness, because need chokes off love.
3. Relate to your mate. Shipwrecked spouses spend far too much time standing around wondering