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of love to be noted and appreciated. Because the level of mutual service is so high (see the Fourth Secret), there are no real expectations about the chores one’s mate has to do to “keep up their end.” Yes, dinner must be cooked, bills must be paid, kids must be picked up, and homes must be cleaned, but, “You didn’t have to do it.” This view is absolutely essential if true gratitude is to flourish. Anything less, and gratitude gives way to expectation (“Why should I thank you, it’s your job to do that!”) or self-righteous scorekeeping (“I did all this for you and you couldn’t even...”).
Exceptional couples tend to say thank you for “silly” or “common” things for which more conventional couples would never think of voicing appreciation.
EXCEPTIONAL GRATITUDE QUIZ
Circle the level of agreement you have with each of the statements below.
a. I know that my mate appreciates me and all I do.
b. Every day, I look for opportunities to compliment or thank my mate.
c. I am good at noticing and complimenting changes my mate makes in his/her appearance.
d. I am good at noticing and complimenting the things my mate does to maintain our home or to improve it.
e. I couldn’t imagine a partner better suited to me than my mate.
You scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
Your mate scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
As a couple, you scored __ out of a possible 50 points for Exceptional Gratitude.
The Eighth Secret: Exceptional Joy
Part of the Exceptional couple’s strength is their ability to play and be joyful together. They look for new interests to share and work to share in the interests they already have. They are comfortable being silly together. They know which areas of their partner’s life are acceptable teasing material and which are off-limits. They make time to be together, work at being present to each other, and actively seek ways to ease each other’s burdens. Compare this to more conventional couples who used to play together, “but who has time now?” Or other husbands and wives who are forced to develop separate interests and friendships because their spouse frequently greets invitations to certain activities with, “You know I don’t enjoy doing that!”
EXCEPTIONAL JOY QUIZ
Circle the level of agreement you have with each of the statements below.
a. I enjoy spending time with my mate more than with anyone else.
b. If it came down to a choice, I would rather be doing something I didn’t enjoy with my mate, than something I did enjoy without my mate.
c. I am comfortable with the way, and the degree to which, my mate and I tease each other.
d. My mate and I share a lot of laughs and good times.
e. My mate knows just what to do to uplift me when I am going through a difficult time.
You scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
Your mate scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
As a couple, you scored __ out of a possible 50 points for Exceptional Joy.
The Ninth Secret: Exceptional Sexuality
Exceptional couples have developed a truly spiritual, life-giving sexuality. More conventional couples view sex as something they do, another activity—albeit a pleasant one—that they just don’t have the time and energy for very often. But Exceptional couples view sex as something they are. Every quality discussed in this book, from mutual service to fidelity, from love to joy and everything in between is represented and practiced in the lovemaking of the exceptional couple. For them, lovemaking is not an activity or a performance; it is a total self-gift, a symbol and expression of all that is good about themselves and their relationship. Where the conventional couple can feel pressured by the responsibility of maintaining their sex life, Exceptional couples draw strength from their sex life (which is a reflection of their marriage as a whole) to allow them to deal with the stress of things less fascinating than their marriage.
EXCEPTIONAL SEXUALITY QUIZ
Circle the level of agreement you have with each of the statements below.
a. Lovemaking regularly gets put off due to stress or exhaustion.
b. I feel like my mate makes love to my mind and spirit, not just my body.
c. I think of lovemaking as both a renewal of our wedding vows and a celebration of all that is good in our marriage.
d. I consider children to be a great blessing and I think my mate is (would be) an exceptional parent.
e. I am comfortable with any and all of the following: making love with the lights on, telling my mate what pleases me and what doesn’t, trying new positions, laughing during sex, and both verbally and physically expressing my pleasure during lovemaking.
You scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
Your mate scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.
As a couple, you scored __ out of a possible 50 points for Exceptional Sexuality.
Developing Your Action Plan
In this section, you will identify both the strengths and opportunities for growth your marriage presents. By the end of this exercise, you will have a good idea of what you need to do to help your marriage better resemble those of the Exceptional 7 Percent. Because each marriage is different, every couple will score differently overall, and every couple will be better at certain skills than others. Try not to look at the quizzes as simply picking out your weak points. Rather, concentrate on the things you are good at, and build from