Older Women, Younger Men. Felicia Brings
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for centuries. If it’s all right for them, then it’s all right for you as well. Society and public opinion will eventually catch up with this trend. In the meantime, remind yourself that your partner wants to be with you—no one is forcing him. Out of all the women in the world, he has picked you because of all that you are, including your age. By all means, think Camilla.
As more time passes and you internalize the feeling of being a couple, the outside reactions will ease up. Your own energy of thought, of feeling blended and a part of the life of the man you’ve chosen and who has chosen you, will unconsciously radiate outward. People pick up much more than we imagine from our inner beliefs about ourselves. When you are at peace, your outer world will reflect the same.
There will be those occasions, however, when someone will openly judge this union. It will happen from time to time. It’s their issue—you will eventually be able to see it for what it is—and their stuff. Metaphysically speaking, what we focus on becomes our reality to one degree or another. So we suggest focusing on mutual love and respect, on being deserving of a loving partnership. The critical judgments will either pass in time or be far less hurtful to you. We promise. Just continue to focus on your responsibility to yourself and things in your world will begin to shift into a healthy balance.
I felt like a leper. I couldn’t believe the things that people thought they had the right to say to (not to mention, about) me.
Natalie (age 54)
From the macro to the micro, from the outer circle of the country club to the inner circle of the workplace, even to the innermost core of who you are, you will be judged. Some people will feel obliged to sit in judgment of an older woman who chooses her mate from among the pool of younger men. If there is any part of you that suffers from the need to people please or an excessive desire to fit in, you will undoubtedly be rigorously tested in this arena. The more conservative your environment, the more intense will be the judgment. The older, conservative woman who has always been something of a status symbol, the widely sought after guest at any party or social function, suddenly finds herself being judged and criticized and her reputation compromised. She is forced to pay a high price for walking her own walk.
Samantha was on everybody’s invitation list. She was tall, elegant, beautiful, sophisticated, world traveled and knew how to spend her sizable inheritance with style and dignity. Then she made the choice to live with Mark, a much younger man, at which point hardly anyone in her community would speak to her, much less invite her anywhere. Her phone stopped ringing and she found that she and her boyfriend were in a world of their own. This propelled Samantha into an inward journey where she had to reassess her values and standards regarding the meaning of friendship. Eventually, she developed a new set of friends and opened herself up to new options. She and her younger man are still together as a happy couple.
Although it may be difficult to endure, social censure will flush out not only your character weaknesses, but your false friends as well. Remember that by choosing to be in a serious relationship with a younger man you have made what is to some people a radical choice and this makes them very uncomfortable. Your choice forces them to consider or reconsider their own choices. You have deviated from the traditional path, which in some circles is akin to heresy.
They were probably jealous, but how hatefully they behaved. I knew that they envied me, but none of my female “peers” had the guts to actually do it. What hypocrisy! They would drool over the lifeguard at the pool and make sexual comments about attractive young men they saw, but when it came to living it out, they didn’t have the backbone to take the heat.
Lori (age 48)
Unfortunately, you take the hit. Tribal mentality is strong and can be hostile in its reaction to you. In these relationships, it’s your reputation at stake, not his.
I felt like a leper. I couldn’t believe the things that people thought they had the right to say to (not to mention, about) me. How dare they analyze, comment on or criticize my choice of partner. If he were my age or older, they would automatically be tactful and diplomatic. They would at least be polite. But somehow his being younger gave them permission to evaluate us as a couple. This would never happen to a man who chooses a younger woman.
Natalie (age 54)
I’m so tired of being judged. It hurts so much. Society—okay, fine, I understand. But when it comes to the subtle or overt put-downs from friends—I just go ballistic inside. Why is my choice inferior? I don’t need to sleep with some old guy on heart medication who can barely get it up because I need his money! I don’t need to be shown off at the opera, the theater. I can buy my own dinners and go wherever I want. So why in the world would I be “normal” or “acceptable” if I chose someone who has nothing I need?
It irritates me that people think there is automatically something wrong with a woman who doesn’t want to sleep with a man fifteen years her senior. And how do we treat a woman who behaves like men have for years? We tell her she’s sick. She needs to grow up. Do the right thing. Become socially acceptable. It’s an outrage.
Estelle (age 53)
Of course, when a man uses his abilities as a free thinker to make a radical choice, he is invariably called brilliant, dynamic, a lone wolf or a forceful decision-maker. As usual, however, when a woman makes a radical decision, she’s called things considerably less flattering. “Who does she think she is?” people ask. Her choice has offered up the possibility of a new option and this creates an uncomfortable tension in the existing consciousness. This tension frequently causes a push to evolve and grow, and change is something that we all have a tendency to resist.
We view the women we’ve researched as pioneers of a new movement in personal freedom. Making such a choice, both in the past and at this moment in our culture, requires some form of payment or sacrifice. This choice, therefore, demands high self-esteem. If you are strong enough and have enough self-confidence to choose what makes you happy, please do so. It helps to set everyone else free.
One way to survive is to recognize that the process of choosing personal freedom liberates you. It enables you to connect with your inner core of strength and recognize that solid place within where you truly reside. You will grow up. You will not be killed by any of this and you will surely become stronger because of it.
I had to really take a look at myself—there was so much backlash around our relationship. There were days when I really wondered if maybe I was sick or perverted. But I was so happy with Paul. I had to really focus on what was good for me—and he was good for me. But I got through it. I did eventually find peace within myself.
Ellen (age 60)
There are many different ways in which we learn life’s lessons. Sometimes we are confronted with situations through our work, our finances or through challenging health issues in which we are forced to stand up for ourselves and show who we really are. The more often we do this the more self-affirming we become.
When you choose to have a relationship with a much younger man, people will not only judge you, they will inevitably make some assumptions; the most common assumption is that you’re buying him for sex and that he’s using you for money. Sound familiar? Oddly enough, we have observed that the more serious the relationship, the more bizarre will be the assumptions.
This may well be the first younger man you’ve been with, but when described by others, it becomes a plural rather than a singular situation. “She sleeps with young men,” they will say or “She’s into young guys.” Suddenly they’ve got you with multiple sexual partners, as if you’ve hunted the supermarkets for stockboys and dragged them into a back room. Society at large seems to accept the notion of an older woman having a brief fling