Older Women, Younger Men. Felicia Brings
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qualities. Over and over again, the younger men in our research reiterated, as if it were a mantra, “They know who they are.” We knew this was an important part of self-discovery and personal fulfillment, but didn’t realize until we were fully into our research just what a powerful tool for attraction these women possess.
If knowing who you are is a dominant quality in these attractions, older women mated to younger, admiring men are in wonderful positions in life. While much of society asks us to focus, consciously or unconsciously, on what women lose (our youth and beauty), the active recognition on the part of younger men of the real qualities mature woman possess is refreshing. While a young woman may have diverse interests, hobbies and a bright inquisitive mind, she is still in the formation process and may or may not become interesting and complex as her life advances in years. She is an unknown—still in the process of becoming her complete self. With an older woman, you know what you are getting. She has had time to formulate her opinions, experience the buffet table of life and draw conclusions based on wisdom and insight.
One of the more interesting couples we met through our research was Claudia and Tom. They met when Tom was eighteen and Claudia was thirty-nine. Their relationship began as a friendship. Like most of the women in our study, Claudia had no idea that Tom was attracted to her at first. She saw him as a charming, sweet and engaging young man. But Tom saw much more. It didn’t matter to him that Claudia was twenty-one years older. He saw the beauty of who she really was and found himself inventing excuses to see her, visit with her and spend time with her in whatever way he could.
At Tom’s very young age, he had his share of emotional problems adjusting to what, a year later, became a romance. Although Tom clearly loved Claudia and wanted to be with her, he was in conflict regarding what he saw as the normal things young guys his age “should” be doing. There were fights, adjustments and many ups-and-downs. According to Tom:
I knew I wanted Claudia in my life and not just as a friend. But so much of what she wanted was beyond what I could give her. I tried to do it, but I couldn’t. She tried to give me my freedom, but it was difficult for both of us. Still, our relationship was like a magnet. We would try to break up, and something would always happen to bring us back into each other’s lives.
Seven years later, they are still together. Both of them are obviously in love with each other and it was clear to us that no matter what problems they encountered they had a greater desire to be together than to be apart.
Claudia explained that early in the relationship she had tried to leave numerous times and had, by her own admission, over ninety dates with older, age appropriate men. In their times of separation, both Tom and Claudia had actively tried to find other mates from the pool of potential partners in their respective age groups. Both had repeatedly come to the same frustrating conclusion—they enjoyed each other’s company more than anyone else they met. Claudia told how difficult this period was:
I really tried to get over Tom. I knew it would be in my best interest to be with someone who could be where I was in life—more financially secure and established. I did look and even tried dating services and the personal ads. The men I met were, for the most part, great people, and they were definitely into having a committed relationship, but something always fell short. They would have only a portion of what I wanted and that was it.
Tom described virtually the same scenario in his attempts to date young women. He would find one aspect of the many qualities Claudia had—her physical attractiveness, her wit, her success, her warmth, her brilliance—but he was convinced, after much hunting, that none of the girls had the whole package. He explained how being with Claudia had “ruined him for other women”:
After being with Claudia for five years, I was ruined. I couldn’t stand talking to a young woman all night no matter how cute she was. My head hurt. They were all so empty compared to Claudia. I knew I shouldn’t compare them to her, but I couldn’t help it. It was like having the whole pie and then only getting one little piece at a time.
We couldn’t help but notice this couple that had fought being together was as close as any of our married couples and just as devoted to one another.
The depth of an older woman and the many qualities she has developed over her years are a powerful draw. While this very interesting example of a couple clearly in love yet fighting their relationship fascinated us, we saw with great clarity the intrigue and complexity Claudia had to offer Tom, how very proud he was of her and how proud he was to be with her. Tom truly “saw” Claudia in her totality and, in his eyes, no other woman could compare.
The mystery of romantic connection is one that defies all logic. We have seen couples that visibly appear unsuited for each other yet bask in the light of each other’s reflection. We have seen examples of what most people would describe as a physically unattractive woman, whose younger husband is oblivious to everything external, even bragging to us about her beauty. We have witnessed couples so diverse that their age differences seem the least of their concerns. Somehow, for these couples, their relationships work.
Another story of enduring love was told to us by Bobbie. She recalled the experiences she had as a young girl growing up in Long Island, New York in a very conservative Jewish Orthodox home. The emotional impact of her Aunt Sylvia’s marriage to a man twenty years her junior was felt by Bobbie and her whole family. Although she was only a child at the time, Bobbie saw and felt a strange type of reaction, a reaction that wasn’t adequately identifiable until she became much older. Bobbie vividly recalled this time in her life:
I remember when Aunt Sylvia first brought Allen to Passover. I was very young…maybe four or five, something like that. Allen seemed very nice and I remember he took a lot of time to talk to me and my brother. But I also remember this strange atmosphere in the house. Mom and Dad didn’t really speak to him. They were polite and all, but it was just a very odd feeling. I remembered thinking they must have been mad at Aunt Sylvia about something, but I just couldn’t get it at the time. We had always loved Aunt Sylvia—she’s my mom’s older stepsister. But, from that day on, when Allen showed up, things were different.
Subsequent visits from Aunt Sylvia to Bobbie’s family’s home became fewer and further between. When her name was brought up in conversation, there was an odd silence, then a sudden change of topic. Sylvia and Allen married a couple of years after that first family presentation and slowly crept into a life of isolation. Too young to fully understand her family’s feelings, Bobbie described her feelings of admiration for her Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Allen’s relationship:
When I got into high school, I would go down to Florida to visit them. They moved there shortly after they got married. I loved staying with Allen and my aunt. I knew he was younger—it was pretty obvious just to look at them together—but to me, they were just my aunt and uncle. They took me all over—shopping, the beach. We always had a great time and even way back then, I remember thinking that I wanted to have that kind of relationship when I got married. It was so easy to see they were in love…and they always laughed a lot. They played like kids, then they would get more serious and you just knew they really liked each other and they were totally in love.
Bobbie finally learned the truth when she was having an argument with her mother during her high school years. She was experiencing the first flush of puppy love with a gentile boy named Eric. When Bobbie told her mother she could see them getting married and being just as happy as Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Allen, her mother unloaded with a litany of shame and accusations about Sylvia and Allen’s “sick and disgusting relationship.” Bobbie finally heard her family’s true feelings loud and clear: Aunt Sylvia was a horrible embarrassment; thank God she moved to Florida; she was obviously mentally deranged and not a good influence on the children. From that point on, the Florida vacations stopped, but Bobbie continued to write and call Sylvia and Allen throughout college and her early twenties.
When Bobbie married at the age of twenty-six a man her family approved and admired, she received a call from Uncle Allen wishing them well. Aunt Sylvia had been diagnosed with cancer some months earlier and Allen, as always, was by her side.
The touching part of this story was revealed when Bobbie and her “perfect”